Truly, truly great story and possibly the best I've read since I joined writing.com. I know you're going to fit in here with a talent like that! Have you tried to publish yet?
To get this story to a wider audience I recommending it to the horror newsletter and they'll feature it so that loads more people discover it.
I don't think I could possibly make any suggestions for this piece, which actually made me cringe (and I know good horror when I read it). And the ending was brutally awesome, with a lovely dark joke to conclude a fabulous piece.
Let me know when you put more new stuff up. I'll be first in line to read it!
There are definately some interesting ideas in your piece. However, at times I feel like you're just throwing in 'big words' to sound clever, and overcomplicate your metaphor/analogies to the point where certain stanzas become, at best, slightly obscure and, at worst, meaningless. My personal suggestion would be to chop this poem down to the basic metahpors, the ones that it's REALLY all about, and explore them with more depth and insight.
That's just my personal opinion, and it's really not a bad poem as it stands.
Oh, and welcome to Writing.com. If you write a lot like me, or like to comment on other people's writing (I don't do this as often) you'll absolutely LOVE it here! I know I do.
Wonderful little poem. It seems so effortless and simple. A little too prettily presented for my liking, but whatever floats your boat. ;)
In the first verse your colour tag hasn't worked, but other than that I have no suggestions for this lovely, concise poem. Hope you win your competition.
Nice story. The imagery is clever enough for what it is. There was one bit that, I think if made slightly clearer, would merit this piece the full 5 stars:
"He'd reach half the planet
With one long look."
I'm aware that you've got your alliteration and such going on there but I think it's slightly confusing. Do you mean he reaches them in their hearts by looking at them? I'm not sure. Don't however, feel that this is a serious criticism. It's just a tiny niggle.
Generally, a very nice representation of God. It makes me wish I believed! ;)
Interesting story. I like how you set the mood and developed it.
A few suggestions.
"Out of the glower of the light, four feet in front of me, the subway tunnel appeared mysterious and dark, luring my eyes into it’s murky depths. Something was not right."
My suggestion
Out of the glower of the light, four feet in front of me, the subway tunnel, mysterious and dark, lured my eyes into it’s murky depths. Something was wrong.
"This is my only way home, I soon realized"
Full stop needed here.
"A bright subway light glared down at me from its position on the ceiling."
A bright subway light glared down at me from its position on the ceiling.
"A scruffy individual in disheveled clothes was seated in the car in front of me; he sat motionless with his back to me."
Instead of individual, perhaps you could say man. This would clarify his sex more easily. Also, the repetition of the word me seems to grate.
"which made me jump with a start."
Possibly you should just say made me jump, or made me start, the two together could a little clunky.
"But as I took a seat in the chair"
'in the chair' is unnecessary. We can guess that he would sit in the chair.
Overall, not bad at all. With a little polish, this could be a really good story.
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing this story. Needless to say I agree with you about writing.com. It is truly amazing. I also went to poetry.com first and found it to be boring. This place doesn't feel like someone else's site, some big corporation, like poetry.com. It feels like my site, your site, everyone's site to share.
Bethan, you commented on a piece of mine a while ago, What Comes Next, Doctor. I don't think I ever responded, so I've read this piece instead.
I am intrigued. This prologue is full of hooks to keep the reader interested in reading the next few chapters. It felt to me like more of a first chapter than a prologue, but that isn't really important.
I like the ideas you have put forward, which are simply expressed enough to be able to absorb them all without too much confusion, and you have left questions that I assume will be answered in the first couple of chapters, as well as those which will be answered later in the book, which I like a lot.
One typo that I noticed:
"I shouldn't have let you . . . I should have know you would be hurt," she began. (THAT SHOULD SAY I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, I THINK)
Congratulations on a good opening to your story. I look forward to reading the rest of it some time.
-Jyjinn
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