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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is excellent, in my opinion. Written in traditional rhyming style, it is the kind of poem I love to read. The sentiment was easy to understand, and the style was consistant.

When you use punctuation in the middle of a line, be sure to add a space after the punctuation mark.

Stanza six, 'transfered' should be 'transferred'

In the last stanza, is the line break in the wrong place? It's just a formatting error, but you might want to take a look at the way it is presented.
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Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is very well done. The story is well developed and progresses nicely from point to point.

While I totally understand the emotions of this story, I don't think the ending is quite 'right.' Yes, it works, and it reflects her feelings, but it seems the message would have been better taught if she had chosen to take revenge directly on Richie.

She spent 25 years adjusting, and there didn't seem to be any revenge factor growing in those years, so her taking revenge the way she did seems somehow out of character. I don't know. That's just the way I feel, but maybe I'm not thinking in a twisted enough manner. It's just a thought.
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Review of Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You're right, the message is very clear, and, unfortunately, the scene is repeated much too often by people who are too careless with both their property and their children.

Technically, this is well written, with no spelling errors, and in a consistent style.

This poem tells the story clearly, and very simply, but in a powerful manner. Well done.

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Review of Golden  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a excellent picture of a moment in time, captured forever, in a few short lines, but telling a story of love, pain, compassion, understanding, and a miriad of other emotions and events which spanned a lifetime.

This was very well written. While it stands alone, it could easily be either the prologue, or the final scene, in a much longer story.

I found no spelling or grammar errors.
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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is interesting, disturbing, and painfully easy to understand.

In the line

The boy might just as well asked for the moon.

it should be 'ask' rather than 'asked'.

This is a very good poem discussing a horrible situation, and a horrible on-going problem. Maybe, someday, things like this won't happen any more.
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Review of So! No! Go!  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an interesting attempt at a unique poetic style.

The content is easy to understand even though it is written is short, choppy phrases.

You lose the formatting in the final stanza where you only have 12 lines rather than 13. You need another two word phrase near the end to 'fix' this problem.

Well done. The content is interesting, and the style is unusual.
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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a cute story. Yes, I caught on quite early, about the time Entity One and Sentry entered A quadrant, but it was still a fun read. In fact, figuring it out probably helped the story along.

I think you have a potemtially great storyline in this but it seems the origin, life, and purpose of the Sentries, especially their 'true' identities, should be more fully explored, maybe taking the whole story back to their planet of origin.

I liked this. It gave a twist to a story we have all read a million times. Very good. It just needs more----nore action, more development, and also less---less of trying to keep the sentry's identity secret and more exploration of their real purpose.
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Review of Walking the Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a wonderfully insightful journey through life in a few simple lines of poetry.

There is a great deal in this poem to think about, yet it is neither confusing nor cluttered.

The spelling and presentation are good. It is properly categorized and described, and it evokes a deep emotional response.

Well done!
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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good story, with a wonderful ending. There are no spelling or grammar errors, and the style is consistant throughout.

I have to admit I totally abhor the word 'storoem'. There is no rhyme, so it is not a poem, and the breaking of the lines into stanzas destroys the style of a short story, which it what it really is. Why not just call it, and write it, as what it really is and forget the affectation to poetry?

That little rant in no way detracted from the rating, or the fact that I liked this story----STORY, not poem.
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Review of AFRICA  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is short, to the point, and specific. It is also clear and easy to understand.

In Acrostic style, isn't it traditional to highlight the appropriate letters in some manner, either by capitalization or by making them bold? It seems it would have gotton the point of the poem across better if you had done so.
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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

What Worked---- This is an interesting interpretation of events.

Technical Errors---- There were no spelling or poetic form errors.

Overall----- I was highly upset by the racial references in the stanza beginning 'Berets'. I think this was unnecessary and derogatory. This was interesting, but I didn't like it at all, especially not in light of recent events and revelations.

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#894356 by Not Available.


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Review of I Am Your Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

What Worked---- This is an excellent tribute to the love between two people, and how it is enhanced by the other, reflected and magnified.

Technical Errors---- There were no spelling errors, and the style was consistent.

Overall----- This is a gentle poem, touching, and full of emotion which is easy to understand. I liked it. I wouldn't change a word or a thought.

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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

What Worked---- This is an excellent statement of why some women choose to be single.

Technical Errors---- There were no spelling or poetic style errors.

Overall----- While many women feel this way, thankfully there are men who acknowledge the woman's feelings, and the two can make a match without destroying the woman's independence. The trick is to find the right man. Don't give up, but don't waste your life agonizing about it. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, be happy.

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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What Worked----This is a very good description of a hard fought battle.

Technical Errors----
It the line:
to that uncontrollable spreading horde -- you should change 'that' to 'the' or put a comma after 'horde', and change the next word 'of' to 'the' (I'm trying not to post the last two words and give away the ending publicly.)

Overall-----I like this poem. I knew quite early what you were talking about, but I think that only made it more interesting because I was thinking about the comparison between these soldiers and other soldiers we know today.

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Review of What Not to Write  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What Worked---- This is a well written explanation of why some things should not be done on writing.com.

Technical Errors----
reviewing on this site works under -- 'work' not 'works'

Another think you just shouldn't do. -- 'thing' not 'think' -- and this is an incomplete sentence.

Overall----- Other than forgetting to mention using a spell checker, this is a very good list everyone should read.

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Review of If Only  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
WHAT WORKED----This is cute, fun, and rather interesting.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----There are no spelling or grammar errors in this short piece.

OVERALL-----I don't like the way the description is used to explain the reason for the item. If that line were added to the end of the item, it would work much better. Since descriptions are not included with most published itsms, we can't rely on them to convey any of the meaning.

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Review of Panadol Hmmm...  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
You have a good story here, but it needs some work. I'm including my editing notes and comments below. The problem area, my corrections, and my comments are in red. (I hope---sometimes it doesn't work)

----------------------------------------------

No one really knew knows -- delete 'knew' the full stories about -- story these events, but it began like this: I was quietly walking to my local supermarket, Mum just gave me two dollars -- 'had just given' not 'just gave' for bread, milk and little something -- insert 'a' after 'and' for myself. I thought this was very nice of my mother to let me have the change but I got a huge shock when I found out the cost of the milk it was one dollar -- put a period or comma after 'milk'. By the way, what happened to the bread? and ninety-nine cents, so I gave the man his two dollars and left the shop. The day was a nice spring day, the sun was shinning and the birds were swooping. He just spent what he thought was going to be his change, yet he still says it was a nice day. How about a little mention of his emotions at this point. It might also be nice to mention his age in this first paragraph somewhere. The age of a young character makes a great deal of difference in a story.

I took my time walking home, it took me about thirty minutes to do a ten minute walk. When I got home there was a note on the table “gone out, back soon call me if you need anything, loads of love Mum”. What a nice note I began to thing to myself, -- 'think' not 'thing' but it should actually be 'I thought to myself,' rather than 'I began to think to myself'. my Mum is not normally this nice. I did not think anything of it; -- you just said he DID think about it, so delete this entire phrase. I just put the milk in the fridge, sat down and watched some cartoons for a while.

A news flash came on during my cartoons I was watching “Three people, have been arrested today outside the local police station”. Three people being arrested is not the kind of thing that warrants a news flash in the middle of a show. Also, they were arrested just outside the local police station? That seems strange. And why didn't the news report say what they were arrested for? I was really not fazed and did not think much of it; I just wanted Rodger rabbit back on. Start a new paragraph here. Then the phone rang “ Hi honey could you just come down to the station for a bit”.-- what station? Gas? Service? Television? Police? And where would be nice, at least a street name since you specified 'local' earlier, and that implies more than one in the city. Nothing was really worrying me I thought she was just drunk but I decided to have some Panadol to help me cope -- commas after 'me' and 'drunk'. Now, if nothing is worrying him, why does he need Panadol to cope? Is she so violently drunk he can't deal with her normally? And why are we only now finding out she is a drunk? Both characters need some serious development to let the reader get to know them and the situation you are talking about. with whatever she had done. I hopped on my when suddenly my jaw clamped down, I don’t remember -- change the comma to a period. Also, I don't know a lot about overdose reactions, but this does not seem like the reaction I've seen portrayed on TV when someone has taken too much ecstasy. Would sweating and dizziness result in him landing in the hospital and be more consistent with an actual reaction? much after that.

The next time I opened my eyes there was a policeman asking my mother, where her stash was. -- delete the comma He began to talk about ecstasy, and then I heard doctors saying stuff about overdosing. Then it hit me so hard I nearly fell off of the bed,-- delete 'of' The Panadol were not Panadol at all. That’s why Mum was going out so much and was were all the money was coming from. -- change 'were' to 'where'. If there was extra money, as this implies, why did he never have any? Why was a few cents change so surprising to him? And why did she give him only two dollars for both bread and milk when she had to know milk was that much by itself? There is nothing in the earlier part of the story to support the statement about money or her going out all the time. I did not want Mum to know that I knew about this. So I rolled over and set to Mum,
“That’s was strong Panadol, Don’t you think”
She smiled at me. -- change 'set' to 'said', and change the period after 'this' to a comma. First, you say he doesn't want her to know he knows, yet then you mention the Panadol, so she has to know he knows or he wouldn't be covering for her by trying to say the Panadol did this to him. Second, the cops already know he took ecstasy, so mentioning the Panadol tells them where she keeps her stash. Third, what kind of a mental case puts their illegal pills in a regular pill bottle in the medicine cabinet? She would have hidden them. Fourth, how did she get out of jail? Fifth, why would she smile at him when she knows he knows and has just told the cops everything? That line of dialogue needs serious work, and you need to bring the action up to date to explain how she got there. You are telling this story looking back on it, so by this time you know what happened out of his sight. Tell us!

It has been about three years since that day and Mum has changed heaps, -- change the comma to a period, and tell us what she has done to bring about this change. tonight we are going to go for a meal and movie.
Which should be fun. -- change 'Which' to 'That'. I have no problem with a kid going to a movie with his mother, but this line seems ambiguous since we don't know his age either before or after these changes. If, after the changes, he is 10 or so, he was too young to do the earlier part, but still young enough to enjoy the him and mum time. On the other hand, if he is now in his teens, I can't imagine him thinking a movie with mum is going to be fun. There needs to be more background development on the characters. Where is his father? Why are they alone? Does she work? How old are they both before and after---indicate the difference by telling us how long this change took? All these details make the story more believable for the reader. If the reader leaves confused rather than feeling the story was all wrapped up, they will not relish reading your work again.


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Review of Circus Circuits  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

WHAT WORKED----This is interesting, and shows potential.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----
There were no spelling errors.

OVERALL-----The poem started out very well, and the content expressed is good, but except for the very first line, there is no actual 'comparison' of the computer to you. You mention how YOU work, but almost nothing about the computer.

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Review of Visits Matter  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
WHAT WORKED----This is a very good article about a subject many people try not to think about. It is well written, and logically presented, with excellent examples of what you are talking about.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors that I could find.

I understand why you did it, but found the use of the word BUSINESS distracting. While it is posted on writing.com, you might consider using 'nursing home' or 'care facility' as a generic term for the business name you plan to use in your actual article.

OVERALL-----This is a very difficult subject for many people to think about, and for a large number to act upon. Your examples give us reason to think, and perhaps change our way of acting.


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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very cool idea! I was talking to a friend about wishing there was some way to find others from my location, and she spent a great deal of time finding this item for me. It would be wonderful if writing.com had an opt-in search feature to facilitate this kind of link-up information, but since they don't, I'm glad someone has begun the tremendous job.

My only suggestion would be in the colored text section. For some of us (with old eyes) colored fonts are very difficult to read on writing.com yellow backgrounds. It might be better if you used a bold blue for the actual 'hello' words, but left the rest in black. Bold is easier than standard colors, as are the darker colors.

You can add me to the Michigan list.
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Review of Inherited Medals  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting poem obviously written in memory of someone lost. It gives a viewpoint not held by all.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----The colored text is very difficult to read against the yellow background. You might consider making it bold, or a darker color.

OVERALL-----I don't agree with all of your opinions, but I like the poem and the way it was written. Well cone.

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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is interesting, with a good message to everyone who even considers the idea that our natural resources aren't important.

The only real problem I have with this is that in some places, expecially the end of stanza six where he talks about renewing the air the language seems to fall out of character. If you were going for the rhyme, you could use something like 'the air was thick as 'possum stew', but 'renew' just seems a little off.
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Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reading this, I realize how much has happened since I was born in 1947. Every word brings back memories, the 'where was I?' question, the 'how did we live through it?' relief. The horrors of Thalidomide, the fear of the Missile Crises, the stupidity of the blue dress stain, it is all so real, yet all no more than a footnote in the history books in today's schools. Even the Berlin Wall is nothing but a single line of text replacing a single line through the world.

Songs like this used to be the rallying cry of a generation, now they are, unfortunately, little more than 'nostalgia'. And what of the next verse, hanging chads, WMD, 9/11, Afganistan, Michael Jackson, corporate fraud, 'a good thing'.
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Review of Beach Scene  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting poem.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----

While colored fonts are very pretty, they are also very difficult to read, especially when the contrast between the font color and the background is not good. Purple on yellow is very difficult. If you want to use it, try making it bold for stronger contrast.

OVERALL----Was this intended to be a tongue twister? If so, you did a great job. If not, while it paints a pretty picture, it is hard to read even silently.

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Review of M357  Open in new Window.
Review by Grammar Hawk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
WHAT WORKED----This is technically well written.

TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors in this item.

OVERALL-----Unless someone knows what M357 is before reading this item, it makes no sense whatsoever. If nothing else, it might be nice to put a sentence at the bottom explaining what this is.

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