Hi Deni4kids,
Your article is informative! Thanks for sharing it! I would like to make a few small suggestions if I may:
Skip a line between your last line paragraph(1) Landlord, Beware! , your list and the first line in the Paragraph that follows your list. This improves clarity and makes the piece easier to read. Maybe bold the list using WritingML tags tags on your headline like so:
Do not do the following:
These are just a few minor formatting changes I feel will make your piece come alive! Hopefully that will result in more reads/rates/reviews for you. I hope you find these tips helpful. If not feel free to ignore my humble suggestions. Content wise your piece is wonderful and many readers will find it informative.
Hi Spidey,
Wonderful perspective on reviewing! I totally agree. I always try to be encouraging in my reviews. I focus on trying to also offer advice the author will find useful and helpful. I give suggestions and examples to help clarify my advice. Sometimes I make mistakes in reviews as well. Things I feel dumb about after I see them. I enjoyed reading your views on reviewing! Thanks for sharing!
Hi nicholls,
You have the makings of a great story here! I'm pretty sure this is a first draft. All you need now is to tighten it up in places in order to give your story the impact it so richly deserves.
Below I will provide a few examples to demonstrate exactly what I mean:
Paragraph 1 Line 3:
He woke up in his usual sluggish, hung-over state of mind and shuffled out to the kitchen.just like everyday.
Paragraph 1 Line 4:
He flicked the switch of his kettle and fumbled around the pantry for some instant coffee. just like everyday.
To give your story a stronger feel you need only to describe how today is different from the characters normal routine. Too many repetitions and or details sometimes bore the reader or make your story a weak read. I know this is a difficult hurdle to overcome - even in my own work. Clean it up a just a bit in order to hold the readers attention.
For example:
On a normal day, it would take Clinton 10 minutes to walk from his home on Shafston Rd. to the bakery on Watts St. Today was not a normal day. Clinton awoke feeling groggy, hung-over and sluggish.
It is just a minor change in wording adds impact to these lines.
There are some instances where your descriptions are dead-on
For example:
The room was soaked in a yellow fluorescent light and empty except for some paintings on the wall, but something was not quite right about the scenario.
Couple of typo's
Paragraph 13: Line 1
God and the devil to play tricks on eachother(each other).
Paragraph 18: Line 6
And with that she threw her head backreviling(revealing) her cannibal teeth and screamed laughter
Paragraph 20: Line 1
UNGRATEFUL HOAR(WHORE)
Again. I think your story is great! I very much enjoyed the read! I did want to give you feedback because I know it will help you improve and ultimately get you more reads. I hope you find the feedback useful to you and as always feel free to ignore anything you do not agree with. Keep writing! Enjoy the site!
This was fabulous! Your imagery is fantastic! Just the right amount of twist added at the end. Gave me goosebumps. My favorite line was My pajamas suddenly felt like they were full of spiders. Absolutly love it! There is not a thing that could improve this piece!
Thanks for a great read!
Keep writing!
First I feel obliged to tell you that I respect your right to your beliefs. Freedom of Speech is a wonderful thing isn't it?
I won't comment on technical merits of your piece. I was a bit put-off by the tone it is written in. On some level I think I understand where you are coming from. What I have trouble with is lumping Our Nation into one category.
From where I sit your attitudes presented in this piece are almost an exact replica of the attitudes of the terriorists who perpetrated these henious acts.
Please don't tell me that a Religion that teaches intolerance and dissention is one that we as Americans should all subscribe to.
I would go as far as to call this piece arrogant and one-sided. I bet you will get a lot of remarks like that. That is in addition to being vague about the issues you are spouting off about.
I feel we should cling to the freedom that makes our Nation such a great one not try to covert those who don't share our religious values as if ours is the only right way of being. How about we each focus on how we as individuals can positively contribute something of value to the world?
Hi John,
I remember the aforementioned commercial. Nicely done. I like the interesting design of the piece. This is a very powerful poem and your message comes through Loud and Clear my friend. I particularly liked this line How many trees die to make a book? I hope the internet is starting to cut down on that. With places like this for us to store our scribblings - maybe we are sparing some of those trees.
Hey Cowboy,
I can't tell you how I enjoyed reading this! The messgae is suble yet very effective as I have come to notice about your works. Of course there are no suggestions for improvement as none are needed. You have a real gift for the art of storytelling! Write on!
I noticed some time has passed since you wrote this! I hope things have improved for you. This is a really powerful piece and strong emotions make it heartrending to say the least. I could feel the emotions you so vivdly describe. I felt sad for you not having the most basic of human needs filled by those who brought you into this world.
Hi anima profundi,
You do a wonderful job with descriptions and the story flows nicely toward the conclusion. I think you could improve the piece by adding to it just a little.
You could expand on this a bit more by using descriptions instead of repeating her throughout the entire piece.
For example:
when I saw her , I was sitting in my favorite cafe, having my usual lunch.
I was sitting in my favorite cafe, having my usual lunch when I first saw this lovely blue eyed girl staring in my direction.
Please know that I did enjoy this story and that the use of pronouns in no way detracted from my enjoyment. I simply made the observation and thought I would share my thoughts with you. Feel free to disregard them if you like.
Your poem gave me chills JustAGirl76. Your mom is lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive daughter. I hope she realizes the value of unconditional love! I too will pray for her success in getting well! Thank you for Sharing this immensly emotional piece will the readers here on the site.
Blessings!
Welcome mastapoet! Matsa you are! Beautiful poem. It feels honest and true my friend I felt you! Great job adding the little touches as well. Wonderfully done!
Keep writing!
So sad the irony of this poem. You brought tears to my eyes reading it. I usually rate poetry based on how it makes me feel reading it. Poetry is more about strong emotion than it is about form although at times form can add impact. Most poems are enigmatic... (at least most of the ones I have read)
A wealth of information at ones own fingertips. I am a bit late to the party as per my usual MO. Still a great resource none-the-less! Just wish I had found this back when I was new luckily though there were some nice members willing to offer me advice on How to get noticed
Thanks Storymaster!
Hi Randy
My heart goes out to you for all you have suffered. You have a wonderful writing style! I hope that you find solace through your writing! You clearly have natural ability! I did not pick up on any items I felt needed editing! Thank You for Sharing this wonderfully written piece!
First let me say that I think you have the makings for a great story here!
I do have some suggestions for improvement:
Dressed in the dark night, the bedroom gave the fragrance of mystery. The rain dances across the window pane, with its own melody to guide. The rotten photographs upon the floor, locked with memoirs, were scattered abroad, as Alexandria rest beside them. The multitude of business brought a dream.
Your descriptions here make the paragraph feel forced and it is difficult as a reader to develop a clear picture of what is happening in the room and in the characters mind. I see you have put in a great deal of effort here and I appreciate that.
Also I feel like some things are not as well defined here and they could be.
Whose Bedroom is Alexandria in?
What about the photographs makes them rotten? Need more detail here to improve flow.
Here's an example to illustrate what I mean:
Draped in darkness, Alexandria sat on the floor of her bedroom. The photo's she plucked from mothers closet scattered on the floor in front of her. As she recalled the days events the melodic sound of the rain
dancing across the window pane soothed her. A mystery was unfolding before her eyes.
I would say that for the most part this is what jumps out at me throughout the story.
We all do this from time to time and that is why we need others to point these things out to us.
I hope you find my comments helpful! Your piece has a lot of potential and I would like to see you expand on it!
Hey Henry,
Where I can get a pair of those calebrated eyeballs you speak of? (LOL) Your wit and sense of Humor really come through in this lesson. You made me chuckle! Lesson 2 will expose more suggestions and will come out next week.{i/} What Day/Hour/Minute/Second? I'll be waiting!
Hi There! Ah... the frustration this sort of behavior causes can be overwhelming. If I may I would like to offer a little tip I use when dealing with these situations. No one really ever deserves a 1 star rating; you at least get credit for trying. Lots of people may disagree with that philosophy, but it is my approach to reviewing.
A person who gives you this sort of rating is just malicious and rude and does not deserve even a second thought. Most of us as writers/artists can accept critisim when it is helpful, and the persons intentions
are good. You appear to take great care in your writing!
Keep Writing and try ignore those who seek to cause you frustration and anger!
What a beautiful story! Your ending gave me goosbumps. My Mom has a Golden. They are very friendly dogs and great with the kids. I think you captured that spirit well with this story. I will have to peek at your port now and see what other great stories I may find there.
Hi Firedrake,
Good examples. Mostly the ones I find myself pointing out repeatedly. You said in your title this was a rant. I found very little if any ranting going on WTG! I do not mind rants as long as they are helpful, yours is. I usually give rants 3 stars, but this one was very helpful! Nice job!
You had me with this until the end. I could even hear the little girls voice in my own head, that is how clear your
story was but the ending, left me disappointed. I understood what you attempted to do but I needed more of a visual cue. It might just be me and you can ignore this
if you want to, the rest of the story is excellent!
If you do edit please be sure to email me. I would love a chance to come back and read!
Best,
Jenn
It must have taken a lot of courage for you to share this, but I am glad you did. I also believe we have to express our emotions and deal with the pain before we are able to release them. I applaud your courage in helping your son face his emotional pain. You have given him a gift beyond measure, pure unconditional love and acceptance.
I was deeply touched by your willingness to put aside your own feelings and emotions to help your son
gain the courage to face his.
Hi Lazarus,
I am left trembling by your poem. I am almost at a complete loss for adequate words to describe how this made me feel. I will try as I know you have really poured out your heart and soul here. I want you to know how your work affected me. The pain of this reached out and grabbed me!
I will be by to visit your port!
Keep writing!
Jenn
I like what you are saying with this. It has deep meaning and a powerful message. I think it may not be getting the attention it should though and I wanted to make a few suggestions that may help to improve your piece so that you will gain more readers/raters/reviewers.
I will do my best to give you an in-depth review and point out areas I felt were weak so that you will be able to update and edit if you so desire.
Lonely are the days, when only my thoughts can come alive.
I would suggest:
Lonely are the days, when only my thoughts come alive.
I only took out the can, but it gives this sentence a
more affirmative tone.
I think of all the beauties that the Lord has blessed this miserable world with, the many colors of the rainbow, with its multitude of colors, just looking and wondering if there really is an end to such beauty.
I get what you are trying to say here but it could be a little clearer, more confident sounding. As it was you repeated color and beauty each twice.
Perhaps along the lines of:
I think of all the beauty that the Lord has blessed this world with. I consider the rainbow, it's multitude of colors, as I stare wondering if there is an end to this beauty before me.
I have restructured this sentence to convey what I think you were trying to express here. This is just an example of using different words to say almost the same thing.
Some of this can be consolidated to bring out the true message and it's meaning:
Then I think of the many flowers, the Lord has given us to grace the beauty, the delicate fragrances that each one has. The beauty of the forest in the fall, the many different colors that preciously grace the lonely earth as the leaves silently float down, only to be crumbled by those who walk upon them, never to glace down, to notice such beauty.
I changed some things around here to cut out the
repetition:
I marvel at the various flowers that grace this earth, the delicate fragrances that each one contains. The beauty of forests in the fall, the leaves changing color that tumble to the lonely earth, silently floating down, only to be crumbled by those who walk upon them, they never even glance down, to appreciate their beauty.
While this is not a perfect example it brings out your message a little better. Even as I have changed it, it could be better.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful. The examples I
used are just a guideline to give you the idea. Feel free to use them if you like but I think you will be able to do much better than I could as it is your piece, your message.
You do not have to change a thing if you disagree with
my review but if you do decide to edit please be sure to let me know. I would love a chance to re-read this and give you a better rating.
You have a really wonderful message here and I would like to see it rise up out of this piece and shine!
Best,
Jenn
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