Hi Vmac, thanks for wrote the story, honestly I don't know how to feel after reading this, since it doesn't reach to my emotional or logical peak as a reader, sorry, here some points I like to add,
(1) Somehow, I don't think that the title is apt, she being a "fitness freak" doesn't have anything to do with the choking incident, maybe if you want to put the "athletic" element on a choking story, you can play it a little more comical, like "the Pill that Doesn't Run Any Further," or "Please Pills, You Guys Can Make it!"
(2) It was good, but like any thriller writings, it would be better if you have use the first person view, like how she felt the desperation, fear of dying, then relieved when Phils comes over (Phils comes to save you from Pills, Lol, joke aside), and shock after reading that she could have prevented this from happen by reading the precaution on the side of the bottle, this way will enable you to play with reader's emotion roller coaster, lol
(3) until the halfway, it occured to me that what I've reading before the choking incidence doesn't have anything to do with the main idea itself, usually, such long (ate half the length of the writing) and details introduction of character used in much longer type of writings, not on the short stories,but, that is if I assumed that your main point being "the choking incident" but if your main idea was the "athletic routine of Sharon" then it will be more....eh, flat (sorry I couldn't find more suitable words).
Afterword, Vmac, good job, good writing ( only few notes aside) |
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