I am going to review this line by line, but please don't get discouraged. The story itself is interesting, which is why I decided to spend so much time with this piece. Please take into consideration this is simply my opinion, and you don't have to change a thing if you don't want to. However, there are a couple grammatical rules, and some dialogue etiquette I hope you will take note of after reading this review.
The first thing I noticed is the font is very small and difficult to read, and there are no breaks in dialogue or paragraphs really. Secondly, there are no quotation marks due or apostrophes for contractions due to a formatting error, I'm assuming. If you make this piece more pleasing to the eye, reviewers are more likely to read it and submit a review.
Notes on Chapter One
CHAPTER 1
Les Merdes was not just hotel and restaurant but an institution; a glorious monument to class and sophistication (two qualities that are tragically lacking in the common man today, if you will forgive my pompous interjection, dear reader). The prodigious chef and occasional writer Jean-luc Seydoux set up the Les Merdes far back* in the year 1874. He saw it as an organic, living entity, striving to cater for* (I would use 'to' here instead of 'for') every need of what he called âthe more scrumptious people in lifeâ, or as I knew them; rich, mostly old and adorned in as many expensive garments as possible *in order to show it and so substitute their inherent lack of understanding of the human condition (or at least that is how I saw it). (This sentence seems a big long, perhaps tighten).
I must *subside and slow down. (subside and slow down essentially mean the same thing, perhaps use one or the other?) I think the scene is sufficiently set and I will now get on with the story and so give you what you are reading for. I have rambled about the frequenters of this palace among yurts that was Les Merdes, but I could *merely gawk at its splendor. I was a *mere drone in this enterprise, or at least at that time. (Using 'merely'and 'mere' twice in two sentences causes the reader to pause). My family (I thought it was just the main character and his brother?) were not part of this bubble of self-satisfaction and instead had to dwell in a decrepit apartment building. The previous head of the restaurant sweet old (I would omit this all together as you go on to explain how Mr. Turner was both kind and old, it would be "sweet, old" if you want to use it). Mr Turner (sadly now departed, however the *clique (do you mean cliche?) that he lived remains) had indulged his pity of the poor drudges that constitute the majority of the population and offered me *a job, a chance even at a better life. My job basically consisted of washing up and occasionally waiting on tables if they were short of staff. (Again, using the same word twice in two sentences causes the reader to pause).
On this particular day Marius, the head waiter, came down to my little kingdom of soiled dinning items and called (I wouldn't use the word 'called here. I would say 'he approached' or something to that effect). with an unusually stern demeanor, even for him.
“Sebastian has the flu, so you are required upstairs today,” he said. (you do not use the words 'said' or 'asked' in dialogue and this piece is fairly heavy on the dialogue tags. Readers skip over said and asked, paying more attention to what's being said. Dialogue tags are fine, but should be used sparingly to show the reader something that cannot be expressed by the dialogue alone. When in doubt used said or asked if it's a question with defining action noted below).
“Yes sir, right away,” I replied/said meekly. Marius seemed anxious about something and was clearly stressed.
Clearly sensing my unease, Marius pulled a half-smile and tried to look *somewhat (somewhat is one word) kind.
“I apologize if I am being terse with you, boy, but *tonight is a special *night and there cannot be any mishaps at all; orders from a higher authority,” Marius *rather hastily explained, (order confusion, perhaps Marius said rather hastily or explained rather hastily) still trying his best to seem at all (you can omit this) understanding of my troubles
“The great General Verner is here, you see. As you know, he is quite the VIP and a great benefactor to charity. If he were to endorse Les Merdes, well, I don’t need to tell you what a boon that would be. So up to it and *sharpish!”(I am unfamiliar with the word 'sharpish', is it slang?)
As he turned to leave, his red tail coat swirling?, he suddenly stopped. His head *turned to me slightly and he eyed me out of the corner of his *eye. (turned, turned, eyed, eye, all in two sentences. I would tighten this)
“And for God sake,boy, do something with your hair, you look like an ancient roman toilet brush that has been run over by a bus.” *He barked, his voice returning to the harsh tone he used earlier.* (interesting analogy, and you can omit the dialogue tag).
Hastily throwing the apron and gloves I used for washing down on a side table, I scampered through the door after Marius. (Once I reached, perhaps?) *Reaching the changing area for the waiter's in record time (you could probably omit this) I found a black waiters outfit and changed (changing and changed twice in two sentences) as quickly as I could, taking care not to disrupt the integrity of the uniform, of course. Remembering the comment about my hair, I went to the bathroom sink and did as best a comb over I could, neatly setting my hair to one side with a right parting. Well, I was not exactly a masterpiece, I was tall and whilst being fit I still looked rather thin, but it would have to suffice. I sprinted up the stairs to the restaurant and entered just as Marius came from the kitchen with a plate of salmon.
“There you are!” Marius *exclaimed, (you already have an exclamation mark, you can omit the tag altogether)“Take this and take it to table fourteen quickly, boy. It is for a Doctor Calloway.”
After Marius took over for Mr. Tuner he had *made it a priority of maintaining his policy of *making the customer feel at home and at ease. That meant knowing their name, smiling at them and *making sure *there every need was taken care of. (Some form of 'make' in all three sentences, maybe another word instead?)
*As I approached table *fourteen (I would spell out the table number), I caught sight of the man sitting there. He was about 6’2 (you can tell his height when he's sitting down?) with dark hair, bright green eyes and dressed *in the most magnificent suit and jacket. Everything was going well and I was almost at the table when a child threw something (what did the child throw, could add more detail) on the floor and I did something I had never done before in the profession, I tripped. It seemed to happen in slow motion as the salmon flew like some sort of beautiful bird despite its fishy qualities out of my hands and crashed onto the floor. I soon followed and my face *embraced (how does a face grab the floor?) the floor with a slight crunch. Hearing the commotion, Marius came out and when he saw me sprawled on the floor he went red in the face.
“What on Earth are you doing, you fool?” *he roared, “Get up now and explain yourself!”
“I was walking to table *14 like you asked, sir, and the child over there *threw something (threw what?) on the floor, and I tripped.” I replied, gesturing to a rather smug looking brat (more description)
“How dare you blame a customer for you own foolish clumsiness? You have brought not only shame to the restaurant but shame to yourself as well! You can expect a severe punishment for this.”
Suddenly Marius was interrupted by a calm voice with a wrinkle of concern.
“That will not be necessary, I think the young man has learnt his lesson from that fall alone.” *interjected the voice. (You don't need this).
I looked up to see that my savior was none other than the Dr. Calloway, *that man from table fourteen, standing over me with a look of intrigue on his face.
“Now if you will kindly fetch me another salmon I would be most grateful, and one for this young gentleman as well I think, I wish to have a talk with him.” *If it is not too much trouble of course?*
“Certainly, whatever you think best, sir.” *Marius replied/said, with a slightly confused look on his face.
He glanced at me briefly before striding back to the kitchens with restored professionalism. Calloway turned to me and offered his hand as an aid in returning to my feet (you can omit this), an offer I gratefully accepted.
“Are you alright?” *he asked queried, concern disturbing his otherwise smooth brow.
“I think so, sir, thank you,” I replied/said, rather taken aback at his *concern
“Ah, delightful, well young sir* *I don’t believe we have formally met, I am Cabell Calloway and you are?”
“Barker sir, Daniel Barker.” No tag needed I replied with a certain shyness
“Well, Mr. Daniel Barker, I am sure your parents are very proud of someone as young as yourself working in a place like this,” he (said), remarked smiling and gesturing to the walls
“They are no longer with us sir, it is just my brother and myself now.”
“I am so sorry to hear that Daniel, well listen—“ (to indicate a break in conversation)
*Dr. Calloway he was suddenly interrupted by *an announcement that (don't need 'that')the ball would be starting in the Gold room.
“Ah, that means I must cut this short I am afraid, I have a very important appointment. This little chat was delightful and I hope you find happiness.” (a more detailed conversation perhaps?)
Then he spun *around on his heels (don't need 'around' and I think 'heel' is how the expression goes) and left for the main stairs. {{c:grape}c:grape}* Marius said I could eat his salmon as well if I wish but after work.(you can omit this) Gradually people flowed the Gold room and I was let go of my duties for the night as the restaurant closed. On my walk home, as (omit) I took the short cut down an alleyway when I heard a sort of scratching.
I stopped and glanced over my shoulder. There was nothing but the snow and a few bits of trash that had been left out by the owners of the buildings that made up this concrete constricting funnel that I was currently situated in. I turned again and hasten on my journey, (this sentence sounds a bit off) keen to get home and see my brother. Suddenly, as if a ghost had suddenly materialized, I heard a hoarse voice behind me:
“Your brother owes Baxter quite a bit of money in back payments and we are here to collect, so you better pay up.” *The voice said as (omit)
I turned to see a leather jacket clad thuggish looking man (order confusion, maybe:"I turned to see a thuggish looking man clad in a leather jacket or even wearing a leather jacket?) flanked by two other hoodlums.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I have no money to give,” I said* replied, taking care when choosing my words.
“In that case,” the man said* with a grin, “We can have our fun with you, boy!”
He drew out a blade whilst one of his goons laughed. Then I saw movement from behind them and a familiar voice called out in defiance? (why is the man calling out in defiance? I might use another word)
“I don’t think that would be wise gentleman. Now how about we all forget about this little altercation we are currently engaged? *I promise that no harm will come to you.” (you don't need the dialogue tag as we know who the speaker is).
The other goon drew out a gun and their apparent leader rounded on him with a sudden glint in his eye.
“Ah, so we now have a toff coming to this little s***? s***'s perhaps? aid? Well, your coat will fetch a good price,” he laughed, “It will be my pleasure to take it, after we extend our hospitality to you, of course.”
“Very well,” my apparent guardian said* or said my apparent guardian.
As quick as a jaguar pouncing on its prey, I heard two muffled gun shots and saw the two goons
fall before they *even (omit) had time to react. The leather jacket wearer? (I would rephrase this) was then pushed into the light and, as if his arm was (made of?) butter, the knife was twisted and the blade penetrated his throat (jugular?). As he fell clutching his blood-spewing throat He (how did he reveal the attacker) t (perhaps: the attacker was revealed: it was Cabell Calloway).
These are merely suggestions, but overall I find this story interesting. I like the idea of a impoverished waiter and his horrible boss, the encounter with Cabell, and the idea about his brother being in debt to some unsavory characters. With some polishing, this is a great start! Again, these are simply suggestions, feel free to do with them what you want!
Keep writing!
Peach
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