That was so beautiful - you really captured the way I felt when I looked at my son for what might be the last time, and wasn't sure if I was ever going to see his little face again. The pure unconditional love, the unbearable sadness of leaving him, the knowledge that I would always be with him even when I wasn't and the hope that he would be a source of both solace and joy for his father, the one true love of my life. You absolutely captured all of those feelings in this short poem and I thank you for it.
Keep writing, you are doing your readers a great service
This is a wonderful story. You perfectly captured a mother's sense of loss, trepidation and even excitement as she watches her daughter mature. It was both funny and thought provoking, and the ending was simply perfect. Well done.
I'm really into this story, I really wish you'd write more! I like how you've made the characters seem like real people. Some of your dialogue is really great too. My favorite line so far is " I don't have boyfriends, I have co-stars." Inspired! It's also a really fresh idea, and the title is really fun -- although I'm not sure it matches the story. I think a better title might be "How NOT to be a Teenage Broadway Starlet". Of course, that's just my opinion.
I would work more on your grammar and on fleshing out the details. I would also suggest making the mother a little more easier to relate too -- even stage parents usually care when their child gets sick. Finally I would concentrate on showing us her transition, rather than telling us. Its unrealistic to think she'd change overnight. You might consider making that transition more gradual, rather than overnight. It sort of reminds me of Cher in Clueless, when she realised that she needed to change. It didn't happen all at once - several factors built up to that lightbulb moment.
All in all a really good start and an interesting angle - I hope you return to this, because you definitely have readers who are left wanting more.
Some of your imagery is really beautiful and I can definitely feel the pain this girl is feeling. Your opening is exceptionally strong and drew me right into her world. I like how the poem told a story from beginning to end, and gave us hope at the end that she had finally let go of her past.
I do feel like there might be a better title for this, as it doesn't seem to be about a Beauty Queen so much, as it is about a girl trying to move past her heartbreak. Any girl can identify with that - unless you're trying to tell a story about a particularly beautiful girl, who despite her exceptional looks, feels lonely and lost in the world. In that case, I would focus more on that so the reader understands. But hey, thats just my opinion. =D
I would also suggest working more on your form, if you want to write a rhyming poem. As it was, I was unable to find any rhythm or meter. Some parts flowed, others didn't. The last suggestion I would make is to show us, not tell us, what she's feeling. Anton Chekhov said it best "Don't tell us the moon is shining, show us the glint of light on broken glass." That is the best piece of advice I can give anyone who seeks to improve their writing.
All in all, I liked this poem and I sense real feelings behind it, which is the goal of any writer. Nicely done.
This is a very good start. Your details are strong and your imagery intense. I was able to experience the same feelings of wonder and excitement that your characters were, as they came across their first animal. I also really liked how you started off with such a frightening experience, and then took us back to the beginning. It drew me in instantly and made me want so much more. I would definitely encourage you to go over the story with a heavy editing pen, because there are many instances where your sentences become run-on, and too expository. You want to be careful with this, because it can tire the reader and cause them to give up before they get into the good stuff.
I am really looking forward to reading the rest of this!
You have a wonderful grasp of structure and parallelism, and it is evident to me that you love to write. "It was almost like she was trying to blow the breath of life into her daughter's mask." That was my favorite sentence in the story - it captured the mood and theme perfectly, and the imagery was outstanding. I encourage you to continue this story because the premise is interesting and I want to read more of it. Keep writing, keep editing, and continue to show us, rather than tell us, how distraught this mother is. The best piece of advice I can give you is something that one of my favorite authors once said "Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass" (Anton Chekhov). When you stop telling and start showing, your writing will go from raw talent to masterpiece.
Keep writing, I'd love to read more of this story!
This moved me to tears. Your imagery is outstanding and your words breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing, it spoke to me on a deeply personal level... and I thank you for that.
Second of all, I am considering hiring someone for a voluntary writing position and they submitted your story as evidence of their writing ability. I want to be sure this story belongs to the person who applied for the position. If it is you, and you volunteered to write for a website recently, using this story as part of your application, please tell me.
Thank you!
--JustJenna
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