As a preface, this piece fulfills that function. It sets the local of the story and establishes the mood and tone in which the main story is to be written.
I found one fundamental flaw, and that is with verb tense. The preface begins with the retelling of a dream she had the night before. This paragraph is written in past tense, as it should be.
In the next paragraph we shift to the present.
It's late October here in New York City, the time of the year when the leaves begin to fall down from the trees’ branches like shriveled, dead skin. (No problem, we're still in the present tense and become a part of the story at the same time the narrator experiences it).
The problem comes in this line:
All there was left were the trees and their transparent leaves, falling down, down, down just as we are.
"was" is past tense. Probably just a typo but it jumps off the screen and disrupts the flow and immediacy of the narration.
The story promises to be engaging, my interest is piqued.
This is a very dark, almost morose, piece of prose. One soon learns that the narrator is pathologically disturbed. In this monologue he recounts a brutal act that he performed on Clare.
The writing is extremely crisp, and despite the use of a single mixed metaphor, the piece is skillfully crafted. The setting of the monologue is left purposely ambiguous, but there is reason to think he speaks from a prison cell.
The narrator is fixated on the fact that Clare did not remember his name, and that caused him so much internal upset he was unable to control his emotions and committed a violent act.
The descriptive passages are intense and vivid.
The piece is well written, but to be thoroughly understood, the reader should read it twice, at the very least.
Through the use of personification, the moon is several things. In one role it is a child pretending to be a king; hence the moon is male. In another line, the moon is referred to as "she", making the moon feminine. However, in my opinion, the most interesting trait of the moon is that it is both cowardly and heroic, and this presents an intriguing oxymoron.
The poem relies heavily on visual imagery to capture its essence. It is also suggested at the end of the poem that the moon, despite its various personalities, will survive longer than all humanity.
The mood of the poem is mysterious, and while no rhyme scheme is attempted and no consistency in meter, the poem works well.
I enjoyed your interpretation of the moon. Thank you for sharing.
In this poem you equate depression as a bottomless pit, a deep, dark lonely place from where there seems to be no return. The poem is not one of hopelessness and defeat; instead you warn that escaping from this abyss is a difficult task and will summon all your strength, but can be done.
The poem's message is clear; there's no attempt at abstraction. The rhyme scheme of abab works well.
There's just one minor error that needs to be corrected:
And I know where your at.
the possessive pronoun "your" needs to be replaced with you're, the contracted form of you are. This change does not alter the rhyme or meter of the poem.
Thank you for sharing this poem, old river beds. It is a poem of contrasts and juxtaposition. The imagery is clear but not vivid, which contributes substantially to the tone and mood of the poem.
The poem contains but one simile:
"drops that stabbed like little blades"
This establishes that this walk in the old river beds is not at all pleasant; it is cold and to some degree frightening.
The fact that no capital letters are used in the poem's title may also be significant. And since there is but one punctuation mark--a period--at the very end, I get the idea that this poem is to be read as a stream of consciousness, and interpreted as such. Although the entire poem may also be a metaphor for a difficult life.
Though you have written this piece as prose, it is more poetic than prosaic. It's not exactly a short story. Short stories, by definition, must have requisite components, several of which this piece lacks.
Your story is primarily internal dialogue within the Devil himself. The images are very clear and your writing is succinct.
You touch upon some interesting philosophical questions, which may give the careful reader a reason to ponder.
Perhaps with some expansion and a rewrite this story would have the potential of becoming a very interesting and compelling short story.
This is a haunting little poem that appeals to the innate fear of all humans: unexplained sounds in the deepest depths of darkness. Sounds such as tthe ones you describe are the fabric from which nightmares are woven. The haunting repetition of rhythmic sound (the footsteps you describe) are comparable to the beating of the heart in Poe's story "The Telltale Heart."
I was hoping you would try and write this poem in trochaic octameter, which is what Poe used in his poem "The Raven". You chose not to, and that's fine, the rhyme scheme you did elect to use is quite effective; it mimics the maddening rhythmicity of those hellish, mysterious footsteps.
The poem is easy to understand. There's no abstraction in this poem, it's totally straight forward. I found the very last line quite intriguing. It adds just a touch of lightness to the poem, but in no way diminishes the poem's overall mood or tone.
I'll try to write my review without bias, since I am also from New England, but not from Boston.
Definitely a sports poem--and that's just fine. When writing poetry a huge amount of license is given to the poet as far as word usage and word order, even forcing rhyme (all of these are perfectly acceptable, it's called poetic license. So long as there is a reason for breaking conventional grammar rules and variations on spelling--it's all good).
Poetic license isn't quite as liberal when it comes to punctuation! Let's look at a couple of lines:
Oh New England your the best.
your needs to be the contracted form of you are "you're"
Our football teams' above the rest.
Why teams'? The plural possessive of team. A simple plural will do fine: teams
Another possibility, here taking some license, might be teams 're...
Or simply insert the verb "are", it doesn't significantly interrupt the rhythm.
Just suggestions---you have full creative control over your work.
My favorite line:
A baseball team without a shoe,
(Yeah! Go Sox)
A very intriguing and somewhat mysterious story, but a great read.
You have managed to create a memorable character in William Rockwell (at least for me). The story is well-written and moves in a very linear progression. There are several small errors (more about those below).
I very much enjoyed the story; however, I don't see the function of the man in the white suit? ("A man a white suit"--the preposition "in" needs to be inserted or if you prefer, a man wearing a white suit) Generally when a character is introduced early in a story, that character plays some role in either escalating the conflict or contributing to the resolution) The same holds true fro the candy? It's a nice touch to the character of William Rockwell, but I'm not sure why he nearly insisted that the narrator took a piece with him?
As pointed out above re: man in white suit, there are several other minor errors, most likely typos, and easily corrected.
Characters like William Rockwell are literary gems, and perhaps you might consider having him appear in some of your other stories?
This poem might very well be called Ode to the Maple. You have done an artistic representation of the beauty and perseverance of a single maple tree standing on a hill. In the autumn the maple is one of the most colorful trees, and your poem makes this point very vividly. On another level, you poem recounts that all living things, large or small, plant or animal, must follow God's plan. And even this stately maple must endure the ravages of a cold and sometimes brutal winter, where its stateliness is reduced to:
With jutting stick and crooked branch,
You blend along with all the land,
But the hope of rebirth is also promised in your poem, as indicated by these lines:
And see the shine of spring again,
These precious buds of yours just might,
Bring back once more your maple fans,
After reading this poem several times very carefully, I can't find any suggestions that would in any way approve upon what you have already done. Excellent Job!
Thank you very much for sharing this beautiful poem.
A very simple and provocative poem. It contains much truth. As I read and re-read your poem I found myself attributing a higher level of function to toys. Yes, they are all that you say--and more.
Your writing is fluid and succinct. The can be no misunderstanding on the readers' part what the poem is saying. You have made no attempt at elevating the level of abstraction to your poem--and that in itself is consistent with the subject matter.
Thank you for sharing this short but meaningful read. I much enjoyed it.
I read this story three times, trying to locate something I may have missed. Try as I might to find the necessary components of a short story, sadly they eluded me.
This piece of prose, while very nicely written, isn't a short story. It is a sketch, an excerpt of what has the potential of being a short story. There is an implied "conflict" by Robbie feeling the necessity to wear various (invisible) masks, but the reader has no idea why this is necessary, All of us wear masks to a degree. When we are at home, when at work, at a social event, etc. We put on various faces we think are acceptable to any given situation. So in this respect Robbie, the narrator, is no different from any of us.
My best suggestion for you at this time is read a number of short stories. As you read them, see how their authors introduce conflict, build a character and make that character come alive. Watch carefully the rising action of the story and how it builds to a climax and finally resolves (resolution)
I very much like your writing style. It is crisp and clean. All you have to do now is formulate a storyline that will keep your reader reading!
Your poem asks more questions than it answers, which was its intent. It attempts to seek answers for those things that we as humans can neither grasp or understand. The symbolism id clear in your poem from the onset:
black in heart and fiercly mean
the crow ,dove and struck the smaller bird.
Here we see the crow that is black, and in western culture the color black is often associated with death, evil, and that which is sinister.
And here you use the word "dove" as both a verb and a noun! Excellent! The black crow dove (verb) and struck the smaller bird (dove) which are often portrayed as white and symbolize peace, humility, and innocence.
I must say, this was a brilliant use of the power of words.
Your poem continues to ask about natural disasters and why the innocent and helpless must suffer. Is evil stronger than good.
It is a very, very rich poem, deep with imagery and equally deep in philosophical questions that continue to confound humans' understanding of the "Great Scheme" of life and death.
There are just a few minor errors--typos: an extra space before a comma.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem.
I look forward to reading a good deal more of your work.
Thank you
Hi Lyndon, I very much like your poem. The two things I like best are:
(1) The honesty expressed in the addictive nature of video games
(2) The simple construction of the poem. Each stanza leads into the next chronologically and logically.
The last line:
So what, I don't have any friends, these online guys are just as reliable as I am
is extremely telling and sums up the almost malicious effects that these games can cause.
You've done an excellent job getting your message across in a skillful and artistic manner. I saw no area where improvement could be made in your poem
I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you for sharing.
Your short poem is certainly not short on emotion! As I read your poem, I could feel the tension and stress in every syllable. It certainly evokes emotion and empathy on the part of the reader.
There are just a couple of mechanical errors that can be easily fixed.
to much to handle (the to should be too)
watch as my red crimson blood escape my skin (there needs to be an "s" on escape--escapes.
There is absolutly no ambiguity in this poem. It is quite stark, and as I said, emotionally powerful.
I read your short poem three times. There are several possible interpretations but I think the most plausible one is.....
In the darkness we cannot rely upon our eyes to see, but our mind is still able to function and we may be able to "visualize" what we cannot see with our eyes.
On a more critical level, let's look at these two lines:
Look to the person laying beside you,
Guaranteed they have it,
These lines have no real meaning! What if there is no other person laying next to you? Does your mind not work? I definitely would rework those two lines because you cannot guarantee they have anything!
Your poem needs work but with some thought and concentration it has the potential of becoming a profound poem
A wonderfully nostalgic memory of a Christmas long past. Your story is told in the first person POV which immediately adds credibility to the narration. The sights you describe and the wonderment you felt are lucid and not overdone. You wasted no space adding needless adjectives to describe each noun. Instead, you chose the more polished way of making these visual images clear. You did this by establishing a distinct tone and mood, and that is always far better than a string of vapid adjectives.
I very liked and appreciated the balance of your story. When read the second time, I noticed the beginning is juxtaposed to the middle, but comes full circle at the end.
An extremely well crafted story.
Thank you very much for sharing these fond memories.
By personifying the clothes contained in your cupboard, you add personality to your poem and an extra level of depthness. Very nicely done.
Your poem rings true with honesty, as I truly believe you have a fondness for the old clothes that you do not wear. By telling them you will find them a new home where they will be more appreciated you re-emphasize the personification you have established.
It's a cute little poem. There is no abstraction in it, and any reader can understand it at face value.
This is a very touching, sensitive and well-written and crafted poem. At its most basic level it is a prayer of thanksgiving.
The rhyme scheme you have chosen works well. However, in some lines the rhyme seems just a bit forced. I'll cite an example:
"And ever if he makes mistakes,
Apologies from him will shake,"
To maintain the consistency of your rhyme scheme, I fully understand why you "forced" the rhyme with mistakes and shake. Unfortunately, it just doesn't quite work. Here are two reasons why. (1) "And ever if he makes mistakes" Everybody that has ever lived has made mistakes, so the question is not "IF" but when. So you may want to consider changing that line.
(2) The use of the word "shake" seems just a bit contrived and a little too powerful. Try reworking these two lines so that the essence of the thought remains the same, but don't force a rhyme where none truly exists.
Remember, you are creator of this poem and have full creative control over its contents. I just offer my comments as a suggestion.
Thank you very much for sharing your work. And welcome to WDC.
Thank you for sharing the first chapter of your work-in-progress.
As you probably know, the first chapter of any book must captivate the reader. Remember, when we as authors write something, we are asking for the readers' undivided attention. We want them to become so involved in our fictional world that they're willing to forego anything else they may otherwise want to do. In order to accomplish this, we make the reader an implied promise. The promise is this:
If you keep reading and turning pages, I promise you it will be worth your time. Just keep reading and see.
Now, once we have grabbed the reader's interest, the job to keep them interested becomes less of a struggle. They want to read what we say.
BUT...to get to that point we first must grab them.
Let's look at your first sentence:
I slipped carefully into the silence of my private annex at the back of the barn and dropped to my hands and knees, tears flooding down my cheeks.
Ok, not bad. The reader wants to know first of all: why does a person have to carefully slip into the annex of a barn? Why is she crying?
Okay, you got my attention and I'm willing to read the next paragraph.
I find in this paragraph a great deal of description of her surroundings, as well as a somewhat enigmatic acrostic she's playing with her name. So, I keep reading.
Later in the same paragraph I run into this:
I started daydream (Oops, there's a word missing or improper grammar). This should be either I started to daydream OR I started daydreaming. Remember, grammar is most important.
I feel this chapter (or chapter part) needs to be expanded. Drop some of the description, it can be integrated later on in your story. Many new writers overdo the description; it tends to bore the reader with unnecessary details. The trick is to get right into the action of the story. Very few readers want to read about a person thinking about doing something, they want to see them do it or the reason why they aren't doing it.
Consider a re-write. Add some action to this chapter. Get the reader involve.
I'll be waiting to see your progress on your novel. Just remember this:
KEEP WRITING!
A very clever tongue-in-cheek, somewhat whimsical explanation of your writing, and how you approach your craft. The rhyme scheme suits the poem well, and the poem moves along fluently. From a purely technical point of view, your poem is just fine the way it is.
It was a thoroughly enjoyable, amusing short read.
Thank you for sharing your work and putting a smile on my face.
Before I make any comments on your work, I must make a confession. I tell you this in order to help you understand my review. First my plea, GUILTY.
I love compound complex sentences. My own writing is littered with them; because, in my opinion, they demonstrate the inherent beauty of the English language. Okay, that being said:
While you like these wonderfully colorful, Jamesian sentences as much as I; the fact of the matter is readers don't!
The second paragraph of this story is comprised of two sentences. The first is a simple sentence, short and sweet. The second is a humungous compound complex sentence, consisting of independent and subordinate clauses, em-dashes (--) etc. All grammatically correct and punctuated properly, and it definitely is my kind of sentence! The only problem is that sentences of this extraordinary length confuse the reader. They just contain too much information and slow the forward movement of the story. By the time the reader gets to the last word, she/he can't remember what the sentence is all about. Sadly, the beauty of the sentence is lost. The reader becomes frustrated and loses tract of the storyline.
I read your piece four times, and I'm still not sure if I got its message! (And this is from a lover of grammatical gymnastics).
You write well--of that there is no doubt; but like myself, we must remember we're not writing for our own enjoyment, we're writing for the reader. I suggest re-writing your story. Keep the sequence of events as they are, but vary your sentence length. It will be infinitely more appreciated by your readers.
A fun-to-read little sketch that carries an important message. You whimsically express a universal human shortcoming: We never do what we are told, even it comes from the most reliable and authoratative source. Neither do we always say what we mean. We expect others to interpret every nuance of our words--even though that's asking the impossible.
The intended humor at the very end sums up entirely what the dialogue infers.
The sentiment of your poem is warm, touching and rings with sincerity.
I don't think there's much you can do to improve the content of the poem without changing it entirely.
There are a few changes that you might consider:
1) love you more then you could know
Change "then" to than, the two words are distinctly different and have entirely different meanings.
2)And what it means to have you right by my side.
I'd consider removing "right" from this line, it interrupts the rhythm of the line.
Additionally, you may want to read your poem aloud to yourself a few times. That way you'll have a pretty good idea how it flows. If you find a word or syllable doesn't fit, make the necessary changes.
Thank you for sharing this little poem. I particularly enjoyed its heartfelt honesty.
For a first chapter of novel-in-progress, I'll say this: It sure grabbed my attention. And that is exactly what it is supposed to do, engage the reader so they keep turning pages.
This chapter presents an unpleasant and dangerous situation for its first person narrator, Matt. The reader isn't quite sure what Matt has done, but we do know it is serious. He seeks shelter with his thirteen-year-old friend Abbey, who appears not totally surprised that Matt is once again in trouble.
For the most part this chapter is well written, although it does have a number of mechanical problems, such as grammatical errors and word misusage. I strongly suggest you reread this copy carefully and edit it appropriately.
I was impressed that you didn't confuse verb tenses. The story is written in the past tense and remains consistent throughout.
I have a small problem with several parts of this chapter, notably:
"Search every house, every crevice on this street. We don't find anything, we'll have to release to the public. We'll search as long as tomorrow by midnight,"
Somehow the cop's dialogue doesn't ring quite true. Perhaps it's because we really don't know what Matt has done, although we strongly suspect murder.
You may want to rethink that segment of dialogue and perhaps tweak it some. Just my suggestion.
There's excellent narrative action in this chapter, and I anxiously await reading more.
Above all--Keep Writing!
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