Hey Moonbeam,
This is my first review of an erotica so please bear with me! I was looking for some stories of the 'Fantasy' genre when I chanced upon yours. Here are some of my thoughts:
The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.
I feel writing an erotic piece gives you more leeway. Though a plot is usually present, the most important characteristic of eroticas is creating a feeling in a reader. Yet, the general rules of writing still apply.
So let's start. Plot-yes, present. Character development- not present, but also, not needed. This is where erotic literature gives one a bit more freedom. I liked the vampire element of your story, even though this world has had enough of vampire-mania (courtesy Miss Meyer). I liked that your vampire character was masculine, almost dominating. I liked the willingness of the female character, how lust overpowered her! Another thing I liked was that you didn't give any names to characters. This technique is seldom used but quite potent.
The sensual element of the story was definitely present but was it stimulating enough? I am not quite sure. After I finished this story, I asked myself, "What sets this story apart from other eroticas?" I was unable to find an answer to this gnawing question. Was it the presence of a vampire? No, it was good element but has been done before. So what? These, according to me, were two drawbacks.
You used mostly accurate vocabulary. I must admit that my reading experience (and to a certain extent, stimulation) was marred by minor errors. They tend to drive a reader away sometimes. So here are a few of them for your reference, in case you want to revisit your story:
Spelling errors: Correct spellings are in red
->My heart began to race *wildy* as I took off running.wildly.
->cats knocking over a *trash can*.trashcan.
->I was *mezmorized*. mesmerized.
->He softly kissed my pulsing *vain*. vein.
->*sunkissed* face sun-kissed.(hyphen)
->...my neck and *stoped* between the valley... stopped.
->I can feel a *stong* sensation flow...Strong.
->...hand down my side and *grabed* my skirt.grabbed.
->I wish you *had'nt* done that!hadn't.
->The red glow from the moon lit up his *well chiseled* face.well-chiseled
->Then his body began to tremble *insinc* with mine.in sync.
->I barely had the *strengh* to...Strength.
->The pain was *unberable* and endless.unbearable.
Punctuational errors: Highlighted punctuation marks were missing:
->They looked like two bright emeralds glowing at me, but strangely*,* I was not scared anymore.
->"That*’*s it."I can see its long white teeth as it spoke.
->...neck and whispered*,* "You smell so...
->He asked*,* "You want me don't
->He held onto me tight as he said*,* "It will....
->You want me*,* don't you*?*
Other errors:
->The winds *whistles* through the trees. should be whistle
->*Then* I was quickly spun around and my Word not required.
->I can feel the lust build up inside of me. My body felt tingly all over. First sentence is in present tense, second in past tense. Choose one and stick to it throughout the story.
->I began to feel faint as he *raised* back up... Raised not the correct verb here. Instead consider 'rose'.
->I felt a wave of pain *coarse* through my...Homonyms error. Here, it should be 'course' not 'coarse',
Final Comments: You need practice. Write more, get it reviewed on this site or anywhere. Also, after writing, read your work and try to spot as many errors as you can. Also work on plot construction. You have used some good images in your story but you need much more work. I don't mean to be harsh, I just believe in giving my honest opinion. If you want me to review more of your work, I'd be happy to do so.
Keep writing,
Jack
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