I thought this story was very well crafted:
1. The tension was very good, carrying us right up to a nail-biting finish.
2. The emotional aspect was palpable: I could feel his emptiness, almost agree that this was truly the Final Solution to his problems, yet aware that the mere exercise in counting down the time meant he knew it might not be.
3. The count-down was effective, with just enough information to hold into thirty seconds.
4. Your descriptions are good: I could see, hear, feel what he did.
5. Grammar and sentence construction was free of errors as far as I could tell: it makes your work easy to follow when you take time to edit and spell-check because your readers are not constantly distracted from the narrative by errors, typos, etc.
Other thoughts: I wanted to know more about Gideon: his problem, his relationships, why did he think this was an answer? Maybe countdown from two minutes, as he wandered around smoking his last cigarette?
I was a little let down by the 'waking from dream' anticlimax: it's a bit overworked nowadays. It in no way detracts from your excellent handling of all that went before, but there has got to be several other ways to come to the point of death-- in a story, that is-- and still be alive. Something that would leave us wondering.
Anyway, I thought you did a very good job. Write on!
A very good piece. I hope you got an honorable mention even if you did not win the competition.
It's short, it's witty--it's weird.
I appreciate that you had a word limit on your entry, but the few sparse ones you did use lent very well to the atmosphere of disorientation your character projected.
I like the plot structure, it was a unique twist. Your introduction seemed to suggest that our hero had actually been in the sun too long and this could maybe account for the ensuing conversation with the hose! It worked well.
Your character is very believable, peeved and confused most of the time, adding interest and credibility to what is to come upon him. You managed to give truth to the saying "it could only happen to a guy like him". It helps us to understand that maybe anyone in his frazzled state of mind might actually believe the scenario.The resolution of his little tete-a-tete with the "hose" (phallic symbol?) leaves us wondering what really happened, is funny and adds a measure of suspense.
Great story! I am absolutely "sold" on it. It's even funny (big grin).
Seriously though, I like the flow of this piece, it is very fluent and keeps us right in there along with this poor hapless commission guinea pig. The introduction let us know he is a sap just like most of us when faced with a new situation, and we are in his "shoes" almost immediately. Good link to our shared human-ness.
Both Bridget's and your motivation for your particular point of views create an interesting clash that keeps us interested long enough to find out who wins. I like that you identified that we really need to hate Bridget, because every protagonist needs an antagonist. And the resolution to their "marathon" conflict of expert vs. novice--priceless. The novice wins for once. At least you got a reasonable pair of shoes to do the job you wanted!
Because it is a real experience it lends true credibility to your characters. There is nothing crafted more perfectly than a true experience. Thanks for the read, Shay!
Thanks for the great read, Tom. You really have a good grip on paranoia that's riveting and convincing.
I like how you developed the character's preoccupation with the mundane things of his life that seem to take center stage. I can "see" how he might be a prime candidate for someone who wished to "drive him crazy" with something as ordinary as a "sound". That no-one seemed to be trying to do that was even more reason to believe he was actually going crazy. Reminds me of The Rats in the Walls by Lovecraft.
Your character's motivation to find the source was incredulous - but not unexpected - and hilarious (he took the place apart - gives new meaning to the word "apartment").
I sense the conflict, I sympathize with his angst--I remember being driven almost crazy by a "sound" every morning for a week (turned out it was a lizard, living behind a cupboard who would crawl in punctually at 2 a.m, keep quiet for the hour I searched for him, then promptly leave at 3 a.m. to return the next night: talk about scheduling....)
Your resolution of the story is satisfying...he's still hearing a sound! Or, every sound gets his paranoia on. I was glad it could not be explained away like my lizard, yet not supernatural--the guy is just a "little disturbed". Or is he? I'm glad that a myriad of reasons could be made for the happenings, but you did not make any explanation.
I thought your writing was quite good. I particularly liked your description of the event, a one-room-forty-minute scene that seemed to read like hours of foreplay in the character's brain.
Your character's thought processes were very clinical, almost emotionless in keeping with the boundary-crossing he would need to do to carry out the act of infidelity: I thought you handled that well.
I enjoyed the conflict played out in the story line - the guy's mind, discovery, the woman's horror. Good portrayal of human behavior.
The story's tone and flow is so convincing (i.e. the characters enjoyed their infidelity, and at least one of them didn't care whether or not anyone else found out) is probably a reality that I need to come to grips with as do our teens, but I would probably have notched up the viewer rate a wee bit. That's my only debatable point.
I think you have good writing skills and hope to see more of your work around the site.
Good start - captivating. Your descriptions are very good, capturing my imagination. "The plot thickens" as a famous author once wrote: your plot is coming together nicely. I think I can see this child becoming the focus of a long and strange battle between right and wrong.
What would be interesting to me is if he grew up very "normal" looks and all, but with a dark streak that rages in his conflicted soul: what will he choose to be? We know the circumstances of his birth, what destiny does he forsee for himself? What quests and experiences shape it?
As for his father's quest - I guess that could be a prequel to the boy's sequel.
Good start. I look forward to seeing how the plot unfolds.
Sensitive story about a nervous young woman on her first night with a new boyfriend - am I right? I like the flow of the story line, how you built the anticipation of the event. And you left me wondering what will really happen next!
Romantic to me, though, more so than erotic - maybe you had more steamy stuff in mind? But the gentleness of the piece - the guy and girl interaction at his place - is quite nice.
Watch your structure a little - you start out in the present tense, then slide into the past tense. I look forward to seeing more from you!
Ah, the pains of unrequited love.....or better yet - the thrill of victory or the agony of de-feet! I thought the piece was hilarious. I especially enjoyed the plight of the poor boy as he tried to impress the girl by dropping the anvil on his toe - the second time!
Your piece has quite a "movie" feel to it that's interesting. Good flow from scene to scene, I would cast an early Shia Leboufe as the hapless boy - he has that face.
I also like how you carry us through the character's tortured experience - stoically. It makes it so much funnier that he's actually trying to be serious and rational about his mishaps.
I thought you could have added another one or two funny scenes to really get us rolling - maybe a delivery to someone else that went wrong. You have great potential here. Keep it up!
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