The concept is super interesting. On the first reading, I tended to try to figure out the meaning of each line and get a mental image of the person. After finishing, I found myself retracing the poem to see if there was a particular arc to the story. I couldn't find one. On reading the last two lines, i reread the first two stanzas, trying to figure out if the story arc was there. I couldn't figure it out. Once I thought I had it, then the final line, "where is mine?" threw me, as I thought it should be "What is mine?"
So either there is no story arc, and the writer is just playing with the concept, or it isn't easily discoverable. I am not a poet but perhaps this experience of an ordinary reader can help you make changes to tell the story.more effectively.
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