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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Note on rating/reviewing style: I review as I go along, making comments, suggestions, corrections, so they will all be in the order that I found them. For rating, I rate purely on technical the first time around; my comments will let you know how I FEEL about the piece. Should you receive a low rating from me, feel free to email me for a reread and re-rate if you make any changes/corrections - I won't be irritated. lol
If I give you 1 star, I do not mean it to be derogatory. This does not mean "throw the piece away". It purely means that your piece needs a lot of work, in my opinion. As for 5 stars, I very seldom give them out - I reserve them solely for those pieces that fall into place for me in all ways, the "as close to perfect as humanly possible" ones.


Comments

*Exclaim*I suggest separating your paragraphs with a space for easier reading online. Also, keep in mind that paragraphs as long as you have might fill up an entire page once in print. You might try going through the long paragraphs and see where you can break them up into smaller sections.
Example from opening paragraph:
With another groan he shifted to the left advancing toward the telephone as it rang for a second time.
(paragraph break)
Now Stephen wasn't necessarily out of shape, that would actually be far from the truth...He was only in bed an hour as he had enjoyed a night out on the town.
(paragraph break)
There were three things Stephen truly loved in this world: literature, alcohol, and women.


*Exclaim*The phone conversation between Stephen and Mark Bennfield feels contrived. I had a hard time believing it - Bennfield, as a morgue attendant, would be more professional. He would not, in my mind, berate a person who has just been told that a family member died. In reality, this kind of demeanor would get him fired.

Okay - I decided to stop reviewing and just read the story. It has the potential to be a great read, but I see a few issues with it. Remember, this is all opinion:

The purpose of character development is to get a reader interested in your main character(s). You want the reader to care what happens to them. The problem is, I didn't get a solid idea of who Stephen OR Mark are, so didn't care about what happened at the end. You've got to take the time to introduce your characters - in one way or another - and let the reader develop a connection. This includes the friendship between them. They start out cussing each other out on the phone - and that's basically what they continue to do. However, at the end you have Mark thinking that Stephen was his best friend. You might want to spend a little time between them meeting and the ending, building on their relationship so that the reader gets a good idea of how Mark is feeling.

The main problem that I saw throughout is that none of it seemed real to me. While reading the description of the mansion, I saw the part where the walls were covered in crystal - I understand that this isn't meant to be a "real-life" story, but there is a thing called "suspension of disbelief" that all authors aspire to. "Suspension of disbelief" is when you read fiction, KNOW it's fiction, but can still see the possibility of the occurrences actually happening. This is possible no matter what the genre. If something is TOO outside the "suspension of disbelief" area, like a mansion's walls being completely covered in crystal, it pulls the reader out of the story. You, as an author, have to make the reader believe that whatever is happening in your story is possible and believable.

Okay - last thing. I said before, this story has potential. Let me add that I can see that you have talent, but I believe that it is generally untrained. With more practice and knowledge, you could be an excellent author - which is why I spent the time with the paragraphs above. I will definitely keep an eye on your portfolio to watch you grow. I can't wait to see how good you get!

Now - these are articles that I wrote, but, since I'm not selling them, this isn't advertisement. They might help you get an idea of the kind of things I'm talking about. Those that have read them said they helped.
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In case you decide you would like to read them, I will send you an email shortly with the passkey so you can unlock them.


Corrections

*Cut*After six rings(comma) each spaced three seconds apart(comma) Stephen rest his hand on the receiver, sighed in annoyance, then lifted it.*Cut*

*Cut*He thought me so much as a child.*Cut*
This does not make sense. Do you mean "He thought of me as his child?"

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2
2
Review of Courage  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Nicely, nicely done! It was immediately obvious why this piece received an awardicon. It is written very well - the rhymes come together well for the most part and you did an excellent job of conveying the scarred emotions, as well as the search for courage. Which, by the way, matches the title perfectly.*Wink*

Suggestions

As I said in my last review, I'm not well-versed in poetry and the varying forms. However, for me, the third verse seemed a little off as far as the rhyming goes. In the verses before, the first and third line rhyme, and the second and fourth line rhyme. Here, the third verse, there is no rhyme at all. Is there a way to rewrite so that it matches with the rest, or was it done intentionally to offset it from the rest of the poem?




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3
3
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Consider yerself an' yer port raided!

Comments

Ah, now here, the way this is laid out the lack of punctuation doesn't matter. The first verse is almost shocking - mainly because of the way you have it broken up. *applause* This is a straight forward, from the heart "thank-you". It's very eloquent and well worded. Fantastic job!

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4
4
Review of Letting go  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Wow - pretty powerful piece you have here. I didn't really feel that the title went with it, however. This doesn't sound like the person is letting go - it sounds more like they want to have closure. It's a case of the "if only"s. "If only I had told you...", or "I wish I could tell you..."

I do have to say that the emotions of the piece went great with the ending. "Because I love you - and you never knew" - The sad and poignant love that those words show also permeate the entire poem.

I'm a stickler for punctuation - I try to keep that at a minimal when reviewing poetry - and I know I've harped on it, so I'll keep my comment on that short.*Smile* I've never had a good understanding about the rules of poetry. I'm old school - rhyme, rhythm, etc. In this poem, you have a small bit of punctuation, but only one period. My suggestion - take it or leave it, of course - is that you either get rid of the period and turn the next part of that line into another line, or use more punctuation.

Good writing!


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5
5
Review of escaping  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Again, the lack of punctuation throws me off. However, this one made a bit more sense to me. I could feel the internal fight to actually let go, to not hold on.

"If you love something, let it go. If it loves you, it will come back." I've always hated that saying, mostly because it seems to be true. *Smile*

You've put a lot of emotion into this, I think, and it shows through. Well done!





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6
6
Review of Looking back  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Wouldn't we all? You know, I've often thought that same thing, but remember - everything that you've done since the day you were born has made you into the person you are today. If even one thing had changed, you might not be that person. Scary thought, isn't it?

You've got some clear, concise thoughts here. It came across that you were saying: I would, if I could, but oh, the impossibility.

It's a good piece, but, as I mention in "suggestions", the lack of punctuation made it a difficult read.

Suggestions

I was thrown off by the lack of punctuation. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it makes it hard for me to get a real sense of what is being said. Just a personal observation.

Corrections

*Cut*Running thorugh my every mistake*Cut*
"through"

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7
7
Review of A Ballad of Truth  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review
Your requested reviews:

Comments

lol - Cute, very cute. I think that every woman since the invention of fairy tales has gone through this moment of enlightenment. You are not Cinderella and there is no Prince that will whisk you away to his shining castle.*Smile*

I think you did a great job of expressing that moment of realization and the shock that comes after. *Cut*We might as well just sit down and stare at the sky*Cut*

I have found that almost every guy is the perfect guy - as long as you are willing to take the time to guide him and he is willing to be led. As bad as it may sound, it's true: all men are beasts, it is their nature - you have to tame them!

Good writing!


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8
8
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review
Your requested review:

Comments

I am not well versed in the various forms of poetry, so my reviews are based more on how I liked the poem, or what it made me feel.

I don't know if it was your intention or not, but the poem made me smile. To me, the ending spoke of hope. *Cut*There must be more of that bug’s kind,
Somewhere.*Cut*

This poem also makes me wonder what the portrait looked like to inspire such words and train of thought.

There is a small point in this poem that is confusing:

*Cut*His calls go unanswered, however,
He does have silent company.
There is life that exists among him;*Cut*

I believe it is the choice of wording. Maybe I'm not reading it correctly - is there a correct way to read a poem? - but the first line comes across like this: "His calls go unanswered, however." I think, though, that what you mean is "However, he does have silent company." Perhaps, if you change the "however" to "but" or "yet", it would make more sense in the reading?

Also, there is confusion in "exists among him". Is he more than one entity? If not, perhaps "exists with him" instead?

All in all, I thought this was a good poem. My favorite part is still the last line.

Well done!


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9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

3
Comments

Ah, poetry - I'm not very good at reviewing it. However, I will contrive.*Smile*

A wonderful little poem with some beautiful imagery. I could almost feel the wind and smell the rain. Your words were artfully chosen, and the whole thing made me remember - and miss - the roads of Wyoming. Well written, well done!


Suggestions

*Cut*Their limbs dancing happily against the blue and the gray.*Cut*
The first three lines are so well matched in rhythm that this one stands out. Perhaps "happily against blue and gray."?


Corrections

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10
10
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Oh, very nice! You just have a great way of stringing those words together to make an awful lot of sense. Thought-provoking and nicely done!

*Cut*This world is slowly dying
While we watch it burn.
We're losing our lives and homes to
This world which so precariously turns.*Cut*
This did seem a little out of sync with the rest of it, mainly because of the last line. Is there a way to shorten the syllables a bit? Maybe smooth this verse out?

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11
11
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

Nice! This is a good poem, an easy read, but I wonder at your intentions when you wrote it. Is this love a good thing that they are hoping for? It seems - desperate isn't the right word, but it's close. More like - dependent.

Is this what you intended? My main reason for saying this is because of the last two stanzas. The repetition of "bring me" gives me the idea that this person is expecting the other to fill them, to "complete" them.

Just my views. *Smile*

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12
12
Review of What it's About  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

I'm not well versed on poetry, so my comments are more generalized than the reviews of stories and other forms of writing.

I liked this poem. I'm actually glad that I chose this one right after reading "The Sad Story of the Human Race"; they go well together. You did a great job of expressing yourself, of passing along the message "Live!" I actually saw got a visual of this: the ghosts of past generations floating over the world - this poem pours from their mouths as if in one whispering voice. Wonderful!

I did think that could be just a bit smoother, a little more rhythmic, but as I said in the beginning, I'm not well versed. *Smile*




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13
13
Review of Ordinary  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

This is a great little poem! Though short, I found the choice of words to be calm and understated - yet somehow, it is also powerful. It is almost like someone yelling in my ear in a soft whisper. A wonderful sensation to experience.

I question the choice of punctuation, though. Understand that I have very little technical knowledge of poetry as I say this, but why the commas at the end of each line? It seemed to me that the second and third line should end with a period.

I love how you built this poem up from "Ordinary teen bookworm" to "You can awaken your radiance". It brings to mind my long trip from reader to author, my "magic little dream".

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this. Well done, and do write on!


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14
14
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Angel Army Reviews

Comments

Does this count as a review? I'm not sure if it should, but a review is a review is a review, right? I mean, I could take your picture and write something like I really like the color of your hair, but, in my humble opinion wearing it a little longer would really set off your features nicely. *Bigsmile* Just an example, just an example.

Anyway, I had to take a peek at this as I was skipping through your port. I've seen a couple of "How I Review"s now, and I absolutely love the idea. I do enough reviews that I even thought about writing one of these myself.

One of the things that I like about yours that I don't see in most of the others is the "Rules". Rule # 3, especially. I even liked that you took the time to go "Okay, look - if I just can't give it a semi-good rating, I won't rate at all." Bravo, bravo. Seriously.

Me, I worried, originally, that authors would be hurt if I were honest. It took me a bit to realize that, although there are some who just want accolades, most of us here really are looking for honest opinions. Now, I just do my best to let people know the good sides first, so that they understand that I liked the story (or didn't like it, and why) first off. I've found that it makes them more receptive to corrections and they tend understand that I really am trying to help, not hurt.

I'm rambling, but the whole point is - love the idea, love how you have it set up, love the fact that you have links to give people ideas of how to give good reviews, just loved it all. Thank you for taking the time to write this out!




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15
15
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

And you're wondering whether you should give up writing. You deserve to beaten about the head and shoulders with a rubber chicken.

I absolutely loved this story. I fear for any little kiddies that might read it, though. It's a whole new light on Santa, that's for sure! Anasta. Awesome.

Santa's not so nice, huh? I always suspected that jolly fat man - who in their right minds would give all those gifts out without a reason? Makes perfect sense to me!

*Cut*And if he doesn’t agree, I’ll just tell him where he can put his Ho-Ho-Ho.”*Cut* Hilarious!

The finger! I love the finger!

Okay - here's the wrap: It's not perfect, there's one or two corrections to be made. I think it'd be better if you italicized Rudolph's thoughts - I mention this one thing in my "suggestions" area. You get a rating of 4.5 - BUT! - let me know when you fix it. This is another piece that deserves a five *Star* rating.

If the rest of your port is like this, then, pardon my rudeness, but yer a bloomin' idjit if you think you should give up writing!

Well done and do, please, write on!

Suggestions

It would make such a difference if you italicized Rudolph's thoughts, set them apart from the regular text.

Corrections

*Cut*Six times I saved the old mans butt,*Cut*
man's

*Cut* he walked in making strange squeech-squeech-squeech *Cut*
walked in(comma) making


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16
16
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

All I can say is, I laughed my butt off after reading this. It is one, cute, little poem. LOVED it!

You said something about "my evil, twisted mind" in your bio, so when "and with it comes fear" showed up, I thought "uh oh". You saved the evil twist for another time, and I'm so glad. My favorite part: The last verse, of course! Funny, funny! Again, loved it - five *Star*s!


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17
17
Review of Loving Too Easily  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

A very good poem, and an excellent invitation for those looking for more friends. This piece of writing speaks of a dedication, loyalty and love of life that is missing in so many. Thank you for posting it!

Corrections

*Cut*Not meant to say at the every end*Cut*
"very" instead of "every"

*Cut*Its part of who I am, *Cut*
"It's"

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18
18
Review of What You Mean  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

I really like what you have here. I don't know a whole bunch about the technicalities of poetry, so I rate mainly on how I felt about the poem as a whole. Having said that, this is really good, and I enjoyed the way you put it all together.

If there were anything that I would suggest, it would be this: the second verse is very rhythmic as well as strong on rhyming. The others are not, so it stands out more. In my humble opinion - which you may take or leave, of course! - I would either make the second verse less rhythmic, or make the other verses more so that it is a more unified read.

Good job, and keep writing!



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19
19
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

I really like this story, but I'm not sure exactly what it is she's scared of. Being in a relationship with him? Or being caught by her mother? Her mother in general? If it is possible, this should be made a little more clear.

Very good writing, with the potential to be great writing after just a little work!

Suggestions

*Cut*A louder noise took her away from the warmth of his lips and she took his hands from her face. Standing up, her face remained expressionless despite the tears down her face.*Cut*
The repetitious use of "face" detracts from an otherwise interesting moment. Is there another way of wording this so that you don't use it so often? Maybe, for example, "the tears down her cheeks."?

Corrections

*Cut*There shoulders were flush against each other, the heat radiating from the others body surprising them.*Cut*
"Their shoulders were flush... from the other's body surprising them.

*Cut*She slowly, careful pulled her hand from him*Cut*
"carefully"



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20
20
Review of Voiceless  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Raffle Review

Comments

I found this kind of funny, in an ironic way. Honestly, my very first thought after reading this story was "Oh, man! That would SUCK!" Not a very mature or professional thought, probably, but there it is! *Laugh*

I'm actually surprised. When I first started reading, I was sucked in and totally absorbed. You did a very good job of quickly making the story interesting. Very seldom do I get pulled into a story that fast.

It didn't let up, either. Although I wasn't physically startled by the thing in the refrigerator - I don't want to ruin it for anyone who might read this - it was definitely a mental shock. A "My god!" if you will.

Another well-written piece, and another well done!

Suggestions

*Cut*The kids were encouraging, sometimes, but you always seem to end up with one un-popped kernel in the popcorn bowl. *Cut*
This really threw me off. It's confusing, and rereading didn't help. Would you mind explaining? Is she the one un-popped kernel?

Corrections

*Cut*She traveled far to reach their home arriving both bedraggled and dirty.*Cut*

*Cut* as if lost in some memory.*Cut*

*Cut*“We can’t always protect her, Bertha, he said.”*Cut*
Quotes need to be moved to just after "Bertha,"

*Cut*though she’d been frightened, it meant she could still speak.*Cut*

*Cut*the memory that she had not realized the scream.*Cut*



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21
21
Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Raffle Review

Comments

This is a cute little story. It feels just a bit unfinished, but I'm betting that's because the prompt challenge had a word limit. I definitely think you followed the prompt well, and enjoyed reading every minute of it.

There are very few corrections - just a matter of punctuation. The two suggestions are based on awkwardness. All in all, this seemed a very smooth story and read very well.

Well done and write on!


Suggestions

*Cut* way as he romped around but tonight...he didn't seem to notice this. *Cut*
The sentence as a whole is somewhat of a run-on. Perhaps turn this tail end into a second sentence?
Possible rewrite:
...romped around. Tonight, though... he didn't seem to notice this.

*Cut*Shimmy didn’t wait to make a beeline for her home, with Roscoe leading the way, with no delay. *Cut*
The way this is worded is awkward. Perhaps something like this:
Possible rewrite:
Shimmy didn't wait; she made a beeline for her home with no delay, Roscoe leading the way.

Corrections

*Cut*She held his chain(comma) trying to gain control of the family pet. *Cut*

*Cut*were out walking their dog(comma) but Shimmy had to.*Cut*

*Cut*And it didn’t matter how she felt about it(comma) anyway.*Cut*



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22
22
Rated: E | (2.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Warning: You are about to be raided! Hold up your hands and stand back!

Comments

When I first began to read, the "You did this, did that" threw me off and struck me as odd. As I read on, though, it picked up it's own special meaning. It allowed me to really get into the story in a way that I might not have if you had written it in third person.

There are a lot of errors in punctuation and spelling, but even they didn't really detract from the story. I really enjoyed your writing style and the story. It has tons of potential, and will be an absolute tear-jerker once it's cleaned up! Well done!

When you do corrections, please let me know so that I may raise the rating.


Suggestions

Mainly, I would suggest separating the paragraphs with a space between them for easier reading.

The second suggestion would be to cut out as many of the "had"s as you can - this puts the story too far in the past and makes it harder to connect to the story.

Corrections

There are a couple of places where you have the wrong form of "to".
To - Go to the store. Carol went to bed.
Too - Two is three too many. There is too much pudding.

If you would like help with the grammar and punctuation errors, let me know and I will try to help you as much as I can, time permitting.



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23
23
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

A nice little poem, although I thought it was a bit unrealistic. The only way I could see it working is if EVERYONE felt that way - and it's obvious that they don't. There. That's my only complaint.

I like the way the poem started out, rhythm-wise, but it felt like the "beat" was lost in some of the verses or lines.

Example
*Cut*Malevolently scarred nations so irate,
For which there seems no simple cure.*Cut*

No matter how I try to read it - and I reread it at least five times, the rhythm is gone. Unfortunately, I can't give any suggestions on this one.

*Cut*Perhaps love is the solution,
Kindheartedness toward our others,
And the next logical conclusion,
Turn our enemies into brothers.*Cut*

A few things - should this say "Kindheartedness toward others"?

Also, possibly "The next logical conclusion, turn our enemies to brothers"

My absolute favorite line: *Cut*As you are to yourself, treat the masses,*Cut*

Good job! It needs a little smoothing, but it wouldn't take much to fix.











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24
24
Review of AN ODE TO COFFEE  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

I am not as "informed" with poetry as I am with other forms of writing, so I keep my comments and ratings away from the technical side.

For this poem in particular, I enjoyed how you finished each verse with "coffee begins their day." How true it is, I say, thinking about the three cups I had this morning.

It is definitely something that a lot of us have in common; no matter the type of coffee, it is still the liquid nourishment that calls to us all.

I have no real suggestions, but I would like to make an observation: I notice that this is titled as an "ode". Unfortunately, I am not familiar with the rules/regs of an "ode". I hope I'm not making a fool of myself when I say that the rhythm seems a bit off.

There is a bounce to the words and verses that I would associate with a bit of "pep", but it reads a bit jerky. Is an ode supposed to follow a certain rhythm?

One more comment and then I'm done - wonderful rhymes at the end of each line! There are some poems where you can tell that the author is reaching for a word for the sake of the rhyme. If you did, it is unnoticeable and a pleasure to read.

Well done!



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25
25
Review of Last in Line  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Port Raider's Review

Comments

One word: Wow! After reading the two stories before this, I had expected another great piece of work. You did not disappoint.

What can I say that I have not already said? Your descriptions are fantastic. Your writing is superb and draws the reader ever on. Your characters, large and small, have a life of their own. The dialogue is flawless. The story-line is great. I found few errors. I was quickly absorbed from beginning to end. A marvelous writer and another excellent story. Is there much more to say? I think not.

Suggestions

None!

Corrections

*Cut*More difficult, still,*Cut*
I'm not absolutely positive, but I believe there should be no comma after "difficult"

*Cut*see him waving at his friend[']s fare well,*Cut*

*Cut*Then ravine sucked her in.*Cut*
"The"

*Cut*Exposed to the lonely chill of the night, was the enormous scar around her neck*Cut*
No comma after "night"


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