Okay sorry to rain on your parade but as a mother if my kid wasn't home I would totally freak and saying where is my change would be the last thing on my mind. So the believability of the story is shot right there. Also all names should be capitalized. Also when you change characters in speaking it is a new paragraph. All in all, this needs a lot of help.
Hey there good intro into a what could be a great story. My biggest complaint is the fact that you don't go into detail about the sticky prank.
Also I think if you give a bit of an intro to Atlantis before she meets up with her friends it might help. Other then that good start, and hopefully I will see more of it!!
I thought it was a really good story. I love demon stories, especially when they mix with the human realm. I saw a few grammatical errors. Mostly missed keys while writing. Anyway it seemed a little rushed at the beginning especially maybe you should go back and revise!!
Cheers,
Jenn
Hey I admire your accomplishments. My hubby calls me a redneck, born and raised in Montana, and I also bought my kids a 22 rifle for valentines this year. LOL We have to be proud of who we are, and honestly, I feel the redneck nickname is a compliment. I like teaching my kids about the land, to ride horses, how to hunt, these are life skills that will help them in the long run.
Your hubby calls you a Buckeye? Well I personally and proud my ol' man calls me a redneck.
Besides the terrible grammar this should probably be a prose. You should probably re-read it, and at least fix the spelling, as well as just badly written terms.
The bad being said, I would like to say I get it. In your own dimension, seems like a lost soul, with some action with Uncle Cid. I like the wispy way the dream state/ dimesion flows.
First of all, what makes you an expert on fashion?
Next let me say, that the first few paragraphs were good. You then switched from description to fantasy.
I love your vivid descriptions! You supply the readers with a great picture.
Try to remember that you are not telling the whole story, just one small portion of it.
Okay this story has some potential, however, it is super rushed. It does not have any character plot, but I have faith in your ability to tell a story. You have a natural ability.
In my opinion your short lacks identifiable characters. You need to have something for the readers to identify with.
J.R.
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