There's kind of a wonky feel to the phrasing in this piece, but it's really cool. It makes it seem grand, slightly old-ish. Distinguished, there's the word I'm looking for. Very nice.
<No scar was left on his skin.>
...Scars? He seems like the kind of person who would have more than one.
<It clung to his tan and worn skin.>
Worn? But the skin has no scars. It's been reborn. It shouldn't be worn...
<With the slightest breath he took or flex of a muscle, the mist stirred rapidly, and eventually it settled amongst the ground, fading into the dark brown earth that was laid beneath Usuna’s boots.>
"Into" instead of "amongst". Amongst just sounds kooky to me.
<In welcoming Her into his world, he had gained the chance to come here.>
?? *assumes you'll explain it eventually and goes back to reading*
<His head was bald, though one could not tell since he wore a heavy helmet of iron and bronze.>
If no one can tell... why tell us? Unless it's particularly important, which I don't really expect it to be.
<His chest and waist were dressed in leather bound by iron rings, and his boots and gloves were of simple leather making. Dark blue markings littered his body, paintings and tattoos that symbolized all he stood for and all he had done with his life. They were an honorable and welcoming sight to Usuna.>
Awesome description.
<“I know that I am dead, Usuna, but I know that I have not been let down by you...”>
"...but I also know that..."
<“Let us not dwell on the mortal world now, Harnor. That is not why we are here.”>
I'm seeing the words "are here" a lot, and it's bugging me because I'm just weird like that. Surely there's another way to say "you are here" and "we are here" and "hundreds are here"...
<He too ran towards the lord. Heads turned and gazed onto the dead lord.>
Also bugging me is the consecutive sentences that both end with the same word...
<Upon his command, the soldiers turned to their friends and embraced each other. Warrior and shaman hugged and smiled.>
Heh, group hug. Male bonding. I am amused.
"...warriors and shamans..." Do they typically not get along? And if not, why would that change after they died?
<"...I saw you shamans wielding your magic of ancient spirits and aiding those that stood at the front of the battle. I saw those that were good protect the villagers, and those that were strong lead the charge; those that were wise guide the combatants, and those that were loyal stand upon that battlefield and bring pride to our name. I am proud of you, my followers. I am proud to have been graced to know you all.”>
Great speech.
< “The forces came on strong, their power rivaling ours, but we never faulted because you never did, Usuna.">
Wow. They practically worship this guy, don't they? Cool.
<...the welcoming scene of the meadow he now stood in, though now it was empty.>
Wait, since when? Where'd they all go?
And when did they all come back...?
<With those words, Usuna left the army he commanded and headed towards the mountains where the voice called to him more.>
They're all gathered around him, right? Well, I think it'd be really cool if you added in something about how everyone parted silently to let him through, or something. Just a thought.
<Usuna obeyed and followed the dirt path that lead up the mountains.>
Is he walking? Running? Jogging?
<Usuna waved good-bye again and noticed all the familiar faces that stood in the windows and doorways of the stone town.>
Are these the empty faces from his vision? Where did the vision come from, anyway? And how did all those people get there?
<Towers of boots stood amongst the maidens...>
Towers of boots?
<Eventually the visions faded again, his body free from the pain.>
Why do the visions hurt him?
<Some were open while others close...>
"Some were open while others were closed..."
<Butterflies danced in the air before him, covering the field with their mesmerizing tints of blue and azure. Swarms of them welcomed him deeper into the grove of red flowers and thick grass.>
 Prettypretty.
<They were smaller, smaller than a child. ... In their hands were cups, large cups fit for a warrior’s thirst...>
If they're so small, how could they hold such big cups?
<...though what good that would do in the heavens is quite questionable.>
That's a good point. Can you kill something that's already dead? Is it like on my computer where anything deleted goes to the recycle bin and isn't really gone until I empty the bin?
<Usuna’s blade did not make it full way, though. During his swing, he yelled and lowered the blade to his side. What foolish feelings had possessed him.>
Did he just decide not to attack, or did something prevent him from trying?
<He looked carefully into the eyes of Usuna and saw the sadness. His own now echoed that. “And I to yours.” ... “You are not the evil. Once our races shook hands with intentions to protect not to kill. But our leaders and we ourselves are fools.” ... “We have let our senseless wants dictate our lives,” the giant added. “We are truly mortals.”>
Hmmm... So they don't hold a grudge at all? They just... agree, right off the bad, now that they're dead? Just by looking into each other’s eyes they gain insight into their faults? I find that hard to believe, because I've never seen anything remotely like that happen in real life.
Ok, it's kind of explained in the next paragraph... It still seems a little too perfect, though. Too easy. Though I suppose now that they're dead they don't have to learn any more lessons about life the hard way... Aw, I don't know.
<“The battle is over here.”>
Change "here" to "now" or something. The way it's phrased seems too much like a "where is it?" "over here" thing, if that makes any sense.
<“Your army comes now, Usuna...">
How do they all know his name? And why did his army follow him?
<Many thought this was some magic work by the giants, for truth takes some time to fully show itself when found.>
True.
<The ground shook, not from any force below, but rather from the tainted vision of Usuna.>
Wait, so... Why is the ground shaking? I'm confused.
<Usuna walked across the tiled floor.>
The tiled floor where? Where is he?
<Golden sparks echoed under his boots...>
Sparks flash, they don't echo. Why are his shoes sparking?
<...covered divine canvas created from the hands of the muse Hamead.>
"...covered divine canvases created by the hands..."
<The hall was a vast cage of memories long forgotten by mortals, but so carefully nurtured by the goddess.>
Nice sentence.
<Her beauty was endless, and though she was not the fairest of the goddesses, she did hold such appearance that no mortal could deny she was a goddess.>
"...such appearance that no mortal could deny what she was."
<They glowed in the flickering flames of Incandescence’s ancient affair...>
Huh?
<Her hair flowed down her head in such odd strands that by appearance they looked jagged like frozen thunderbolts, but no doubt to touch they were as soft as the breaths of Nimbus. Her eyes were blank, lit up by her inner being and radiating into his own gaze. Lips so tempting whispered and screamed all that she told him, the same lips that commanded the lightning to roar and the rage to burn.>
Awesome description here.
<“In the forty-six years that you knew on the Core, you have brought great prosperity to all you have touched and looked upon. You have fed off the earth that My King has formed with his hands, and you have welcomed the pain that the Ice Lord has blown into your race. You have taken from me all that I have created, the power of the storm, the suffering and the rage, and you have turned darkness into light. I am honored to be in your presence.”>
Who's talking here? The goddess? The goddess is honored to be in a mortal's presence?
<“Your tune does soothe my heart, and your smile warm my soul, but I dare say that your words mock my mortality, for how is it that a god, a creator, could be honored to be in a mere mortal’s presence?”>
Again... who's talking here?
<Still then he was unsure of his height compared to her, for the sight of her was almost unfathomable to him still.>
Unfathomable is a very distinct word that was used quite recently. I'd suggest you use a different one.
They're quite chatty. I'd think that someone meeting a goddess face to face would be in complete awe and not as talkative...
<“I do not know the meaning of life, my child,” she whispered, her voice echoing like a dying storm. “I am merely a god. Powers greater than me control all that exists, all that was and all that will ever be. My dearest Usuna... I do not know.”>
Awesome end. But it wasn't really what he was looking for. The question he asked came out of nowhere. It would make so much more sense if he were journeying to her across the plane just to ask that one thing. Because why was she calling him to her, anyway? She doesn't really seem to have any specific thing to talk about.
There's a lot of back-story creeping into this via the dialog, and that makes it kind of bewildering for me. Lots of random names and titles and things being tossed at my poor little brain. Maybe you should just causally mention the gods... leave out most of the little details, I mean. Because it's complex, and even if it isn't it seems like it.
This was a really interesting story. I had fun reading it. G'job. |
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