I think that you have a real jewel of a story here, but the largest issues are the switching of tenses, transitions between scenes, and "telling" more than showing.
First off, it really helps the reader if the writer (you) keep the entire story in one consistent tense throughout. The story switches between present and past tense, so I would suggest choosing one and using it for the entire story, just for comprehension, flow, and movement purposes.
Also, I think what would help with that is making transitions far clearer from scene to scene, i.e. the "introductory" paragraph to the actual "meat and bones" of the story--the night that Lance died. That first paragraph really makes the reader think that this is a reflection on the past, but then you bring us completely into the story as it is happening. Beginning a story like that is a classic hook: begin in one scene, then either flashback to how the character(s) got there or go to another scene entirely that serves the same purpose to allow the reader to get a "fill-in". However, in this context, I would much rather like to see something like the ending scene happen there and then to have you take us back to that night. Otherwise, I believe this format would work because, in my personal opinion, I found the transition from scene to scene just a tad too blurred, almost like we were trying to jigsaw their lives together at the last moment and some of the pieces were crammed in different places than they were intended to be in, making the picture slightly scrambled.
The third point I would like to make should also help with the second tip is to maybe give the reader more of the character's mind. It is obvious that this is Julianne's story, told through her perspective, but the problem is, I want more of Julianne to shine through the words. Most of the time, I found that you told us how she acted or how she felt. What readers want is for you to show them how she feels, to make them become Julianne, to walk through her thoughts and feelings, to make them laugh, cry, etc. (Cheesy and cliche way to say it, I know, but it's true of the concept.) The biggest things to market stories is to have the almost persuasive technique of using pathos, an appeal to the reader's emotions. If you get the reader intensely tuned with the character, then they find that they can not only relate to a character, but, if written just right, may also find that part of themselves or someone that they know in that character that makes them want to love them. Don't be afraid to reflect yourself in your character; that's the best way to make Julianne her own person. Let her thoughts and actions shine through to speak for themselves, because that is the strongest way to let it hit home for the reader. And, if you really let the character shine through, then that makes the story and conflict far more poignant and intense, because if the readers care about the character, if they care about her and understand her, then they will care about the story and will keep reading to find out what happens. I found that I could only give her a distant sort of pity because I felt I didn't know Julianne all that well from the story. The principle is to sell your character so that the questions, How will she go on after Lance?, How will she react to his death?, and How will this affect her life in the long run? really make the readers sweat over her predicament.
Despite the improvements, I love the theme and I really do hope that this short story is extended into a longer work. These sort of stories, I find, are best told in longer form, to let the reader know the full effects of the loss by showing rather than telling (but that's just me.) I hope you take some of these tips into consideration to improve your work; it has got a lot of potential just waiting to be reached. Happy writing! |
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