Good story, I liked the method you used to tell the story, short very poignant sentences full of action. You might want to add a “Present” “Past” connotation to each section so the reader doesn’t get lost, but I was able to figure it out so it may not be necessary.
I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
He gave a grubby little grin commissioning his armed forces to journey to the north and slays one of their villages
Think “slays” should be “slay” or “lay waste to” as we are talking in the past tense here.
I had my window of opportunity that wall that mattered.
Think “wall” should be “all”, but then the line should probably read “I had my window of opportunity and that was all that mattered”
Keep up the story, it sound like it could be interesting
Good story. Nice to see the hero get something for his efforts. I do have a couple of questions.
A time frame of when this story takes place would help. When you say hut, I’m assuming a dirt floor, mud hut that maybe you’d find in Africa, yet our hero has a flashlight and a lighter so I’m not sure if “hut” is a good choice of a word for the dwelling. Maybe try small house or cottage?
Would he not have found the hatch while doing his cleaning?
I’m assuming that other people would have explored the cave and not seen the large hole that he fell down. If others had entered the cave, without the key was there a way for those people to escape? If not, wouldn’t there be some bones there; this could add an interesting horror factor to your story.
I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
Whack! Hernan fell on his bottom at the bottom of his hole
Would not use the work “Whack” here. It sounds too comic bookish.
He switched on his flashlight and shown it into the darkness
Shown should be shone since we are talking gin the past tense here.
Hernan jumped to his feet and ran to behind the statue
This line doesn’t read right. I would suggest you remove the word “to”
Good story, I liked the characters you’ve created. I did find it a little awkward with the then, now and after sections but once I got the hang of that the story was very captivating. You have a great story idea here and I like the way you have presented it. The emotions your characters are going though are great and I feel for both of them. The only suggestion I can add would be to add more of the time she spends with Anthony as we cannot see how she came to love him so much.
Loved the story. It had me guessing the whole time. I liked the way you explained the different sensors as “eyes” “ears” etc as the story wound down. You’re right, when reading it a second time it does make more sense. Very well written piece.
Very nice story. It seems to be written from the heart and has a ‘real’ feel to it. The grammatical mistakes below may be intentional, since this is a diary sort of entry and if so please just disregard them. You captured the emotional element here quite well, I like how you refer it “him” rather than his name. I also liked the realization of the way Camille helps the author and then the author realizes she should help Nina. Nicely done.
I did notice a couple of “possible” grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
know the other sides, having no one is much worse
Think “sides” doesn’t need to be plural, there usually is only one other side
But here i am stuck in the middle
“i” should be capitalized.
I no one ever had to sleep people would get so much more done!
Very interesting story. I had just recently watched a TV show / documentary about a volcano erupting in Yellowstone Park so your story has a hint of truth about it. Not sure it the plane could be flying low enough to be hit by lava though, or unless they crashed onto the crater? Overall a nicely written piece, your grasp of the emotional elements of a person trapped in this situation was very good.
I did noticed one possible grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
His Scotch and spilled a little on his dark blue jeans
This line doesn’t read right, I’m not sure what you are trying to convey, so I will not make any suggestions.
I liked this story a lot. I was concerned sat the maturity of the boy at his age, but then once I realized that it was possible the whole story fell nicely into place. You may wish to explain who Teresa is, although I figured out she was a friend from her past, it is still awkward to have characters appear with no warning or explanation. The story’s mystery kept me entertained the entire length, and for a moment I thought maybe Nick would find a way to bring his father back, but your solution was so much better, more real. Great work
I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct.Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
That emptiness I felt in my chest sine Anthony had died was gone
Very powerful story. I liked the way you interwove the two stories together. You have brought out the feelings for all the people in your story very well. I feel for both characters that you have written here, but especially for Brigitta. It’s amazing what people will do to others when they are scared Your final line is also very poignant..
A very long and I feel drawn out story about a young man who loses his brother. I have to agree with your assessment in that I find the ending confusing. Was it a lumber mill or a prison camp? Why would there be a watch tower at a lumber camp, or why would an unknown old fashion prison camp in the middle of the woods? Why would he jump from the tower? Doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense..
I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
He heard the a rock tumble down the side of the hill and
Think you should remove the word “the” from the above sentence.
Interesting twist on a mere sweater. I liked the beginning quote, to think what we have moved to from fig leaves. Very enjoyable.
I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
He drew it near face and inhaled the sweet, store-fresh aroma from within its interwoven threads
Think you need the word “his” in between “near:” and “face”
Good story. It led on nicely from premise to premise. To begin with I thought he was cheating, and then when I heard about the accident I thought he was dead, and then back to cheating. I thin k you should try and avoid the use of capitals fro emphasis, It makes the story seem untidy. You don’t think you explain how she lost the third child, the unborn one, or I might have and I just missed it. The story itself is a bit long and drags on a bit in the middle. I found myself skipping sections of flashbacks to get to the current problem and the resolution of it. You might want to think about that. Of course it is just my opinion
I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, as I’ve said be fore everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my (one person’s) opinion.
Despite a couple for the past seven years
Does seem to read right, you might try putting the word “being” in between “Despite” and “a”
Ma, you’re gonna kill yourself if you’re not care,”
Think “care” should be “careful”
Just then the bathroom door opens, and out walks the most gorgeous (fake) woman
Try not to use brackets in a fiction story. Use either a dash, or commas.
And for the first time in just as long, I’m seeing something from greg
Well written story. I’m not sure about the metaphorical meanings in this story, if there were any, but the story springs to life of a young child dealing with the loss of a parent over a long period of time. Loved the imagery of the dragon and the boy, riding together. I have a love of dragons anyway so you were sure to get a review out of me. Very nicely written piece.
Good story about tormented love. I have only one question. Is Jack facing the death penalty for this crime? If so I think you need to show this in a clearer fashion. This would be the act that would tie him and his love together, in death. If not then disregard this idea, as it is as with everything else it’s just my opinion.
Well written account of a time long ago. The story sounds like a diary entry which I guess is where the source of the story would be, but it would be fascinating to have a better description of the surroundings and the characters, other than the lady of course.
I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
I didn’t really want to be seen associating with a minor
Think “minor” here should be “miner” unless he was very young.
Very well written story. I loved it. What fathers will do for their kids. This from the owner of two large dogs and three cats, that all came with the promise of "Dad, I want a pet of my own, I will watch him and take care of him, and clean up after him. I promise." The dogs do keep me warm on cold nights however, assuming I am able to get into the bed before they got there
Very chilling story. Very good for the length restriction you were under. We are left with a great mystery and I love the one word web site. Not sure why the “other” Mr. Chaseley calls him Mr. Bloom, but that is also part of the mystery of the story.
Good story using the prompts that were provided. You did a good job explaining the character of Martin, his pathetic home life and bickering Mother were well versed out, and easily believable. I like the irony on the Mother’s words, “Money doesn’t grow on trees” which was woven nicely into the story.
Interesting story, at the beginning you seemed to capture the person trapped in sleeplessness quite well, this from someone who has learned to sleep four hours a night. I’m not sure I can follow the story to the conclusion you have reached, just seems improbable that he would climb up on the wall without knowing that it would cause the panic it would, and then to fight off the people trying to save him. Of course this is just my opinion and does not detract from the story you have written.
I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and again please remember it is only my opinion.
‘I don’t know how you do it, me I need eight hours a night, or I’m wreck.’
Think you need an “a” in between “I’m” and “wreck”
Not sure why, he decided it was important they looked at him, just for a moment as they walked on bye
Well written story. It had a dragon in it so of course I had to read it. Good action sequences and the story of revenge was well paced out. I could find no serious grammatical or sentence structure errors and the pace of the story was enough to keep my attention for the entire length.
Interesting take on creation. Hopefully everyone will take it for the humor intent that was very apparent. Loved the H.G monogram. Hopefully you don’t have any connections with any real life future worldly creations
Interesting story, I liked the twist at the end. The story itself is well written, and does a good job of describing the various “people” in this “motel”. I only have one comment for this story:
Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
Room No: 2 had cack-handed Richard who would wake up with a jeer in his mouth
Since the term cack-handed is really only a well-known British informal term, and since you are writing to an international audience, I think you should try to use another less colloquially term
Unbelievable suspense story. This is something you’d expect to read / see on the Twilight Zone. My only problem other than the correction below is the time; I believe that six days is too long for no one to have found them on a train, which is on a fixed track. Just my opinion though.
I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
And when they got back, six headless bodies were found.
Shouldn’t it be when the lights came back on? Or did the passengers leave the car and come back?
Nice story Idea. I liked the way you brought out the emotions of the young girl. Very nicely done.
I noticed one error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
But my Mother is (i)not(/i) like that! She's calm and proper, and always makes the right choices
To use italics, you need to enclose the ( i ) in curly ( ) brackets.
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