This story has potential; I’m not just saying that. It addresses important issues that young youth, such as you, should pay close attention too.
I’m rated your story 2.5 stars because it has some issues. Don’t think that means I didn’t like your story, but rating reflects much more than it. In fact, I enjoy your story which is why I spend so much time reviewing it.
Correct these issues:
Unintentional red-herring
Format issues:
Dialogue lacks probably narrative support
Brunt and quick ending
Possible Plot hole
See the suggestion section for my comments regarding those issues. The possible Plot hole is address in the last question of my question section.
Two things I liked.
A good hook
Your smart intelligent girl that doesn't back down
Final, I believe you did a good job on showing Rachel's passion towards righting wrong. She has the makings of being a leader one day.
These are just suggestions; do with them as you please, though I hope they are helpful in some way.
Fixing the Red Herring
Write a small scene where Rachel things about protecting or fighting for her rights.
Add a comment about her father or mother being a lawyer that fights for our constitutional rights or comment that references her parents constantly challenging the school board.
The Vice-principal could make a comment about her being just as much trouble as her father, or comment that Rachel's father is the person he has a meeting with. Rachel could narrative that she knows what the meeting is about:
Her father is representing the student that refused to be searched.
Format Issues:
Your paragraphs should have spaces in-between them. This will allow for easy flow while reading. With so many lines, it’s hard to skip to the next one after about 5 lines. This slows the reading down, and restrict the flow of reading.
Showing and not telling:
I would add more tags around your dialogue to show what is going on, and how people are feeling. I need to know the emotions that she is feeling, or the expression on the vice-principal face. Is he setting or standing, at his desk, playing around with an object on his desk? Does he get up at some point? Show us what is happening while she is in his office, what she is feeling.
Brunt Ending
This paragraph transition is cold; it needs to be smoother with more narration from Rachel before the vice-principal speaks. Its just seems the pace quickly changes out of the blue. Then the story is over.
I’m not convent he will say goodbye. Maybe he would tell her to wait in the lobby till her parents pick her up. Unless he was being rude, telling her to leave now.
As Rachel leaves her vice-principal’s office she should reflect on how she is dealing with what happened, what she plans on doing next, and suggest or hint that she thought maybe she should have a right of free speech in school. Don’t want to make it to direct.
"Yes. It's all true. Why would I lie? I mean, seriously, what would I gain from lying and making up random lies about stuff like that? Seriously. What she does. It's especially annoying, because she gets away with it!"
[More Narrative from Rachel]
"Ms. Rachel, you are hereby suspended for two weeks, on the provision of having the intention to submit a piece of work that would be controversial to the school populace, and questioning teacher policies."
[More Narrative from Rachel]
"But, if you asked anyone. ANYONE in the 3rd period Chinese class, they'd totally back my stories. Ask the girl I wrote about. Ask Samantha. Ask Crystal. All of them would back me up in a heartbeat. I swear they would."
[More Narrative from Rachel]
"I'm sorry, Ms. Rachel. There's nothing I can do. If you'll please excuse me, I have a meeting I need to get to. Good bye."
[Final narrative from Rachel on her final thoughts]
Other:
The vice-principal's note is a welcome distraction from the class.
I think
The Point should be italicized.
"No, but I'm guessing it's the piece I wanted to submit to The Point, that the security guards found that day, while searching for the iPhone?
I would supportive tags to the last sentence to highlight the fact he didn’t mean it.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Rachel. There's nothing I can do. I
"Yes. I had you sent home early that day so as to avoid further controversy among the students. I hope you understand that."
“
yes, they did” and “
Raymond is none…” I think it needs a better transition between these two statements. It is a dialogue and it doesn’t make since He would do that, unless he pause for a moment. But that is not how it is written.
I suggest that he ignore her comment and continue on with his conversation. It would show the same messages that “it’s none of your business”. Also, if he ignored the comment it would speak volumes more than had he say it. It will show that he doesn't want to address that issue and pretends not of heard it.
"Did they ever find the culprit?" I ask. "I mean, that phone must be something really precious, if the security guards had to lock us in the classroom and manually search all our bags. And whatever happened to Raymond when he refused to let them search him?"
"Yes, they did. Raymond is none of your business. However, while you're here, I'd like to discuss the piece with you."}
During Rachel's long rant, you can pause for a moment and add support narration to it. This can bring the story alive. Properly tagging around dialogue is key.
"I'm sorry, but seriously, if I were the teacher, and that were me, I would totally deny all of that. I mean, it's her first year teaching high school Chinese. Coincidentally, maybe, or maybe not, she has a bunch of her previous students from middle school. There's a mutual feeling of dislike, verging on hate, between the students and the teacher.
[Add Action narration]
Someone really just needs to go and sit in a class and see for themselves. Oh, wait. No. That won't work. The lady turns into the Teacher of the Year whenever someone goes in to observe." I mimic her. 'Oh, everyone, Samantha got a question correct. Let's all clap for her!'
[Add Action narration]
I wrote that piece to let everyone know what a horrible time people are having in Chinese class, and how poorly we are being treated as students.”
The last paragraph is not part of your story so it need to be have a “The End” or something that show the story ended. Like double or triple space.
Not sure what “at once” meant. Was that part of the note’s message, or was that all the note said, or did she stop reading after that part of the note.
After pinching myself, I force my eyes to look down and slowly read the note. "At once",
What is high school Chinese? (Is this Chinese language or Chinese culture?)
Is Rachel her first or last name? The vice-principal’s called her Ms. Rachel.
“Watch it, Ms. Rachel."
What is the
The Point? (I think it’s the school newspaper.)
Important question. (Possible Plot hole)
The story is about Rachel getting in trouble after an essay is found during a school search of a missing iPhone? My question to you is:
Why would the security guards read her essay? He is looking for an iPhone, he is not spending time reading everyone essays, or what they write in their notebooks. Something had to draw his attention to read her essay.
If the school allows iPhones, then why didn’t Rachel just submit her essay electrically? If this is come type of school paper (I’m assuming), then turning in a printed version would be more work for the editor. The editor would have a table where S/he could read it from. I’m just wondering.