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116 Public Reviews Given
119 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I will give you some of my ideas for possible editing of this piece so it may be a better read.

Sipping on dark ale, (sipping dark ale)

But the deep, empty hole of his soul that longed to be filled stayed deep and empty.

(But the deep cavern of his soul that longed to be filled remained empty)


The tavern was all heavy wood and darkness.

(The tavern was full of heavy beams and darkness)


Lanterns were scattered on various tables giving off small pools of light. (Lanterns scattered on tables, gave off small pools of light)

along the ceiling (beneath the ceiling)


"The dark" (I wonder if this may be described differently, to make it more precise)


Sighing to himself the man moved from his corner, (add a comma after himself)


lanters (lanterns)

furnitiure (furniture)

Fires (Fire)



Flames had began to wave out of the windows, a few men staggered out the door. (Flames began to shoot out of the windows, while men staggered out the door)


I suggest: Tail tucked and whining, it stayed where it was until the man had passed.


suggestion: was barely a shadow.

suggestion: dog and bone disappeared into the night.


suggestion : He wore a long black coat which hid his ponytailed hair as he slowly walked away from the carnage, to become one with the night.


An unpreposing figure, (I'm not sure I would use this, it is more direct without it)


Alone since creation, he walked on. (add a comma)

He was pestilence, he was the destroyer, he was destruction, he was death.


suggestion : He was pestilence, a destroyer, destruction, death.

I like the story, well-written and interesting.












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Review of Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,
I would like to give you constructive, positive criticism of this piece. I believe it may help you to write better poetry.
One main concept is to use a few words as possible to say as much as possible. This is not easy. Good poetry usually sounds "clipped" when you read it, because the poet has scrutinized over time every word and letter used, eliminating as many as possible without muddying the clarity of what he/she is trying to convey.
For example, the first stanza:

The final period of light,
before night takes over.
A time that doesn't last long,
But is tresured through the night.

Here, you are talking about twilight or dusk, but using many words to convey what can be said in a much briefer way.

You need to check spelling on each word.
If you are referring to "two", spell it out, do not use "2". No writer, or reader will take you seriously if you do.

If you want to write good poetry, it will require a study of the general guidelines and concepts to write it. One good place to start is by reading the Purdue Owl site on the internet. That is a good place to start, but there are many other equally good sites for information.

Writing song lyrics would be fun. Rhyming comes into play with it. I know a man who does it and makes a living at it, as well as with his band. One of his lyrics was recently recorded by Bonny Raitt.

In modern poetry, conciseness is important.
I write some poetry, feel free to look at it if you wish.


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Review of The Silver Fox  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this because it is different than many of the "antiseptic" poems that are out there, those that all seem to fit into a popular "scheme" that is sweet and non-offensive.

That his does not necessarily follow the traditional requirements of traditional poetry is a breath of fresh air. I like the insertion of dialogue, something rarely seen.
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Review of Centered  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely written, I too enjoy nature and the world we live in.
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Review of Creation  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Marvelously written, marvelously stated.
While I have always liked the story of creation, as well as some other stories in the New Testament, one has to keep in mind that they are just that, stories, like millions of others that have been told by men and women wandering from village to village.

I will try and read some of your other writings soon.
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Review of Always do I roam.  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The message is dark. I like the form of your poem, but the writing may be improved upon, because so much of it is on the surface and includes many cliches.

Since I see you are interested in writing poetry and improving your skills, here is a link that would be of help to you:

http://www.efuse.com/Design/wa-poetry.html


Also, the Purdue OWL site is full of good information abour writing techniques.

If you have a chance, please read some of mine.

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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
An interesting piece, well-written. Thank you for sharing it.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I usually shy away from longer pieces, but this appeared to be of interest. It is.

You did a great job writing this, it is well-written and creatively constructed.

My only suggestion would be to try to tighten it up here and there, and check spelling.
On occasion, I had to reread one or two paragraphs to get at your meaning, so you may want to be sure you are expressing what you mean to say as clearly as possible for readers.

The ending is good, but of course I certainly hope that it is purely fictional.

If you have any questions about what I have said, just let me know. Good luck.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very nice of you to present this.
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Review of Victory Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very nicely said.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like your writing here. It exhibits talent.
I have not had a chance to fully review it in detail, but I will since it is well-written, but could use a few minor revisions here and there.
There are some words that may be eliminated, discreetly, to create greater impact and conciseness.
I will do a little punctuation work also.

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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is very interesting. I have been aware that there have been many notable people with bi-polar disorder.
One person not shown here is Jaco Pastorius, a famous acid-jazz bass guitarist. It is my understanding that he was bi-polar.
My nephew, also bi-polar who died recently at age 26, was an independent music producer.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I had a nephew who lived with this, and it made his life difficult, but he was doing better. Unfortunately, he recently died in a car crash while he was driving by himself. I am not sure about the reason for the crash. He was 26 years old.
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Review of I'm sorry  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the message you are sending, however, the style in which you convey it could use smoothing-out, so your message becomes an easier read.

Creating a smootherflow would help make it more enjoyable.

Readers will realize you have a story to tell, that is obvious, but it is always up to you how you convey that story.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, I suppose I am your first reviewer.
Without overanalyzing it, I would suggest that:

The fear is closing in,

eliminate "The"

Fear is closing in,


Your idea to write and free your creative spirit is a good idea. I have done the same, in the past, and more so recently.
Thank you for your writing.
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Review of Less is More  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very enjoyable!
I love this attitude on life and how we relate to life.
It is so true that "mankind" is so divorced from the true nature of things, to our own detriment. Just look at the world around us.
The detriment of humanity is the detriment of being self-absorbed.
Thank you for writing this.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yet another good site.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I will keep this article in mind for future use.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sounds good.
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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good!
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Review of Pines  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Since I live in the South, and have pine trees, I couldn't resist reading your work.
Also, I believe I've read some other pieces of yours which I found to be well written.

This is very well written, I love the conciseness, I love the entire message; the way you developed it stanza to stanza.

You have left me no choice but to give this a high rating, which is certainly deserved.

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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is good and interesting. Just a few suggestions:


It's essence calls out to me (eliminate "out")

A storm approaches over the day (replace "over" with "during")

I take a deep breath of air (eliminate "of air")


Structurally, you may want to revise it so it will be a better read. This also tightens it up, and makes it more direct, with more impact I think.

I will try to give you an example, which you may or may not prefer:



The sky is free.
It's essence calls to me
On a warm sunny day.

When the wind starts to blow
I already know
I will soar.

A storm approaches during day.
Still I do not delay
In a yearning to be one with the wind.

I take a deep breath
And in flows life
What a natural high.
Body is on the ground
But mind and spirit are in the sky.

Onward the wind will blow.
And when it's time to die
My spirit will remain eternal
in the sky.

What will that be like?


I hope some of my ideas are helpful to you.
Your writing of this piece is really good and I like it very much. Interestingly enough, you write in a similar manner to some of what I write.








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Review of Out on the Water  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I found this to be interesting and I enjoyed reading it. Clarifying the meaning, and certain modifications would make it a better read. To me, as a reader, I found the message of this piece difficult to discern.

I would like to show some changes you may wish to use, or not, as you wish. These are meant to be constructive:

Suggestions:


Use "He was beyond the point of exhaustion, as every muscle in his body

ached."

eliminate " There were but a handful of clouds in the sky and"


use: Were it not for a few birds chirping, one may have been....

but the thought of being found deadened by exhaustion (use: but the thought

of being found, exhausted, while....)


A single tear slowly made its way down his cheek as the oars finally

slipped from his fingers. (eliminate the word "finally")
(add a comma after cheek)


Despite the unbearable pain, (eliminate "the")


overwhelming feeling of joy overtook him (use : a feeling of joy

overwhelmed him)


"It was the perfect day and the absolutely perfect way to spend it."
(what is this saying to the reader?)


"These days " (use "Days like this")


"to force all thoughts of who he had become to dissipate."

(use: exhaustion so thoughts of who he had become would dissipate)


"This was his newfound ecstasy." (what is this saying to the reader?)


"James was constantly consumed by the strange loneliness that one can only

feel in the midst of so many strangers. Despite such loneliness and the

longing for companionship,"

(use: James was consumed by the loneliness he felt by being among so many

strangers. Despite his longing for companionship,)


"It never ceased to amaze him that these were the days he treasured most

and yet these were the same days that he wished were no longer necessary."

(use "these were the days he treasured most, yet these were the same days
that he wished were no longer necessary.)







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Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
I prefer not to see any particular religion "pushed" here or anywhere else.
I am a Christian, but respect the thoughts and rights of others.
The answers you show really don't make sense.

If I were to meet Jesus, Abraham, Buddha or Mohammed on a street corner, I would ask them why so many of their present-day followers have lost sight of what they lived for, which is to be respectful to all people, even ones who have different opinions.
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Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Walter Durk Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read this piece more than once, it is very nice. I especially like the last stanza, which brought to my mind homeless, street people in New York City, where office workers come and go, most often never looking toward them, just as our society views everything and everyone as "disposable".
A few suggestions though:

"the Bobcat and Grisly bear." You may want to delete "the".

"nor recognized the ground." You may want to consider using "recognize" instead.
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