I'm unsure of this piece. There are moments that I love, which paint a magnificent image of this house for which you have such a great personal love. But there are other moments, like this:
"What wonders they would see inside at this moment! I would like to send the house to Hollywood, for no finer setting for horror movie or gothic romance could be created than the reality of the mansion."
Where you sound like Aphra Behn or something. The style is just too archaic, it sounds so unnatural in a contemporary setting. If it were done less often, I'd think it was meant to make the narrative style reflect the house itself, but, as it is, I think you let Resoration-Victorian literature influence your style much too much. You end up with a lot of sentences, as a result, that just read as overwrought and stilted. Bits like this:
"Once familiar with the Mansion, one begins to regard her as an entity, tendering her respect with the emphatic inflection of a proper name."
don't sound like they came from a person. Rather, it sounds like a person doing an imitation of something obsolete and disconnected from today's language. "One begins to regard her as an entity," for example, just puts far too many unnecessary words to a simple concept. There's no magic number of words one should use; what's more important is recognizing when you don't actually NEED some of them. "Soon enough, the Mansion becomes more than a place." or "After a time, the Mansion becomes more an identity than a place." That kind of thing.
The spirits thing, at first, made me say, WHAT!? I didn't feel the transition was even extant, let alone clear or smooth. I felt like that could have been more carefully introduced. We went from description to ghost story in a blank space between the paragraphs. I would suggest hinting around beforehand with words like "eerie," "empty," "silent," etc.
I'd also warn you to watch your diction. Words are beautiful things, but remember that you need to be able to tell the difference between when something is redoubtable or when something is fearsome. Is this person talkative or loquacious? Big words can impress, but they can also sound like they're being used just because they're the bigger version of their synonyms.
When you find yourself using a lot of adverbs, you're in trouble. When that happens, try to find a verb that functions for both the verb you want to use, and the adverb you're using to describe it. They weren't disdainfully regarding, they were mocking or something similar.
Another example snippet: "modern houses could acquire through diligent design." Again, the sentence is simply overwritten for its purpose, and it detracts from the ending, which, in my opinion, is the most important part of the piece. it's written as if it was purposed to be more advanced than necessary, and becomes stilted. Maybe "one could find in any appraisal.
All in all, an enjoyable piece that creates a more or less vivid picture of the house in question. Just work on sounding like you normally sound, and not like you think you're "supposed" to sound. Once the language stops bogging you down, you'll find that writing just feels more natural, more like you. Trust me. |
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