hi april,
i enjoyed the feeling in this poem and its natural imagery.
the imagery stirred my senses and touched my heart.
a few very subjective nit-picks:
what is a tuna tree?
i feel that "enhanced" lessens "verdant" and isn't necessary.
i feel that the 2 "i ams" at the end may not reinforce each other.
good work.
best thoughts and blessings,
john h.
hi roth,
i enjoyed this poem, its sincerity and warmth.
some images didn't work for me though: eg, hair clad; stormy gaze (in the context of what follows); pearly whites (a light-hearted cliche which doesn't seem to fit the tone of the poem); parading emotions that flutter; heart's pit, also feels like a jarring tone.
having said that, i hope i'm not being too critical. the sincerity and feeling of the poem come through fine.
best wishes and blessings,
john h.
hi anthony,
this letter works well for me. it's concise in its opening lines and economical in the following 3 paragraphs.
i might like a line break after "pillaged" in paragraph 3, to clarify the time sequence.
some nit-picks: no semi-colon after "book" in the first paragraph. no commas around "lofty" in paragraph 2. "earlier that night" in paragraph 3.
again, well done, and good luck with your submission.
sincerely,
john h.
hi K,
i'm not sure this poem completely works for me.
i feel that mystery in poetry should lead the reader to a deeper feeling and understanding, without being too preoccupied with figuring out meanings.
having said that, i like the flow of this poem and the repetition of "don't go under, they said".
and i feel that the imagery is often creative and evocative: water rolling...frothy and mysterious; drops of color...in a glass jar; and the ocean whirls...waist.
this poem shows concentration and creativity.
good work.
best thoughts and blessings,
john h.
hi sereading,
i'm not sure this poem works for me, though i do like some of the imagery: mire of present moments; cold hard geode (hollow universe?); tangled blue bloodstreams.
i feel that true mystery in writing should evoke concentrated and material feelings rather than ones of vagueness and mystification.
keep up the good work.
with my best thoughts and blessings,
john h.
hi Tiger Cub,
i think this poem does a good job of expressing the ambiguity and conflicting realities of madness.
i think that its dismay over the betrayal of so-called "normal" people is sadly appropriate.
and the poem says to me that to follow Life is to die, and to follow Death is to live--a perversity of mental illness.
well done.
with my best thoughts and blessings,
john h.
no reason to feel shame, joy, you deserve compassion. keep on sharing your truth. and keep on having the courage to look for the good in your life, and good things will come to you.
with my blessings and my wishes for a very warm and Merry Christmas!
john h.
hi nalcom,
i feel that the fixed end rhyme strains the rhythm and meaning of this poem.
would a more relaxed use of rhyme improve the feeling and meaning?
thanks for your work.
and best wishes,
john h.
hi robena,
i feel this is a very good poem.
the description of the child's pain is very touching and sad.
the world of the child is indeed disordered to have treated it so unkindly.
one hopes that love will arise, without and within, to heal the child's wounds and transform its life.
sincere thanks for your poem,
john h.
hi S Raeburn,
lovely poem.
i'm not quite ready, so the qualities of tragedy and theft occur to me first; but the the sweet relief and readiness follow close behind as i contemplate my true nature.
i feel that your varying cadences and broken end rhyme prevent the poem from becoming sing-song.
and for me, the matter-of-factness of the narrative allows me my own emotional response.
again, well done!
sincerely, john h.
hi jenna,
having said that you have no words etc. you go on to do a pretty good job of it.
lovely, sensitive, touching.
i do wonder if "chest constricts" is consonant with the other feelings.
good stuff. more of this please.
sincerely,
john h.
hi ninjaturtle,
beautiful poem. economical, moving: says a lot that matters in a few words.
is "bleeding for what is list" meant to be "...what is lost"?
very good work.
sincerely,
john h.
dear stanley,,
i thoroughly enjoyed this poem.
nice use of decreasing line gives me a balanced sense of the formal and informal.
good use of end line break with the increased emphasis on the line beginning.
subject is "delightful", and perfect for Valentine's Day.
don't know about "trustworthily reliable" though.
very good job.
sincerely,
john h.
hi RiverCat,
this is a beautiful poem. it clearly captures the quiet advent of winter; and the serenity to be found in Nature's continuing changes.
thank you for your lovely and very moving poem.
sincerely,
john h.
hi 13lue,
Scars is a lovely poem. it gives very recognizable examples of hurts and losses i've experienced, and it gives a healing treatment of the pain left behind.
thank you for your gracious work.
sincerely,
john h.
hi adrianna,
i liked Facing the Inner Fear a lot. for me it describes a nearly universal situation, that is, the abusive use of authority, and particularly parental authority, to shame and control.
i have a deep sympathy for the protagonist in the poem, and a question as to the mother's more specific intention(s). but the characterization of her abusive behavior is still complete, as is.
thanks for your compassionate account of the damage and fear caused by parental abuse.
sincerely, john h.
hi crispy,
i did enjoy this poem, despite the subject, and i think i understood most of it:
the powerlessness of the victims and the relentless anarchy of revolution; the linear narrative gives me a sense of the relentless and irreversible direction of the action.
the barbarity of the event as expressed in the impersonal characterization of victims and victors alike.
the emergence of people's worst traits in times of chaos, eg, the president's masturbating over his predecessors green, flattened body.
i'm not sure, are these children, playing with toy soldiers? "the kids are all shouting etc.", "the metal fire...in the garage."
on the downside, i feel that the overall impersonal quality lessens the force of the narrative, and a few, more feeling, specifics might help.
technically, i liked it, the irregular line length and rhyme scheme, and the internal rhyme.
good work.
thanks very much,
john h.
hi matthew,
thanks so much for your timeless truth well expressed.
it's balanced, without excess or pretension, and it touches me right where it ought to--in my heart.
sincere thanks,
and best wishes,
john h.
hi Orangeman,
i think your overall idea for Dawn, of the triumph of light over darkness, is a good one.
the idea of fighting the darkness or investing ones (life) energy in the (new) dawn is a strong one, i feel; i find myself confronting that choice continually in my own life.
i feel that a more concrete characterization of the forces of darkness and light--what they are in material, human terms--would strengthen the narrative, particularly with the repeated description of conflict between the dark and the light.
i feel some small changes in your wording would give it more force, eg, "you lie, broken..." and "...when dawn comes."
i chronically overword my own writing, so that's the context when i suggest some simpler wording to strengthen the lines, eg: "overcomes the darkness" versus "attacks and defeats..." (which also sounds more melodramatic to me); and "you take your experiences and seek out others that need your help" as a possibility.
finally, i value the wisdom that says my struggle is only satisfied when i share it with others, the wins and losses; that i'm not in this life only for myself.
thank you for your sincerity and optimism,
and wishing you more victories ahead,
sincerely,
john h.
i feel the intense and acid tone of this piece is appropriate to its subject.
oppressive and misguided(misguiding?) religion is a major source of torment and loss to receptive human souls.
as someone who has long-suffered the effects of such religious abuse, the "dead eyes" and "skeletal smile" are surprisingly healing images in their expression of the truth.
"wandering souls" describes the rootlessness of those who teach "the crap i learned [that makes me wonder] how i can think at all".
the "reek" of those who wear "clean clothes" reminds me of Christ's image of "whited sepulchres".
and i can go on:
recalling the captivation with a set of beliefs one knows is poisenous. and the loss of hope and opportunity, and the mortal sickness, that results from loyal belief in what is empty and dead. and the groundless hope of salvation from devotion to a poisenous delusion.
i admire the writer's courage and honesty in describing this peculiar institution for what it is, regardless of its societal standing and approval.
I feel that your deep pain is well-expressed and moving; and i feel the deep despair which might lead to self-destruction.
i ask if the endless pain and despair is a personal choice which can be changed to a choice of self-love, survival, and, ultimately, triumph.
with my best wishes,
and my best thoughts,
john h.
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