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4 Public Reviews Given
56 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Psalm 91:4  Open in new Window.
Review by John-Paul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
lhayes,

More good philosophy...but less action.

I'm one of those who thinks a story tells the philpsophical message. This piece needs ACTION!

Well, I don't mean some fast-action piece, but some kind of action that says what happened. "I" was unhappy (so you explained). Why? What happened to bring First Person Singular (FPS) to that state?

Also, you spoke of going home. To many Christians that means dying. I think I would have written oif finding shelter in God's arms.

Please review my story: http://Writing.Com/authors/johnpaul156
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Review of Lady in the choir  Open in new Window.
Review by John-Paul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
lhayes,

Wow! What great philosophy! If it wasn't for the writing imperfections, I'd have given 5.0!

You wrote: I walked in the church for the first, feeling scorned... Do you mean "first time"? You don't say why you were there. What drew you? I think you should say.

I thought to myself, "am I really that shallow? Stop staring!" You want "Am..." capitalized.

I wondered if God had something to do with it... Only one dot needed here.

If anyone could talk about imperfections it was her. "...it was she."

There's a little misspelling. I would suggest the use of spell-checker even if you have to use a word processor and paste back and forth.

That last line was great! A great truth about God. I try to say something similar in my story. Please review it for me. http://Writing.Com/authors/johnpaul156
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