I write the review while I'm reading, so excuse any disconnects that come from it.
The opening is done very well. I don't know if it was intentional, but how she explains the teacher, almost as though she were trying to justify the feelings she has for him already, like any woman I have ever met does.
'I don’t have anything against Erik, but I somewhat dislike the guy. He has looks, good grades, average height, fancy things, and rich—the type of guy girls dream of. But, he’s cocky, rude to low self-esteemed girls, playboy, and he gets into fights often with the other male students in the nearby high school—with him at fault.'
If you're trying to make her snoody, judgemental, and unlikeable (at least, to me), then this sentence works. Before I thought she was naive, maybe innocent, but after this I would cringe at the thought of meeting her.
' Is this... for real? “Finsterville—“'
I don't like that. It reads clumsily. I think most people acknowledge that this is strange already, and having that internal dialogue, to some degree, is redundant.
'What am I talking about? And what’s with that ‘one-sided’? I’m not in love with him. I clearly know that... I think. Gah! What’s with the ‘I think’ now!? Of course not.'
This is along the same lines. We all know how she feels already. It's been established. The second guessing is a necessity to establish that she knows this isn't the average relationship, but I would prefer it to be done in a different way. I wouldn't emphasize a conversation she has with herself inside of her head alongside a conversation she has with the teacher, because watching two lines is more difficult than watching one. Specifically, how can she be so sure in her responses, but so confused in her mind? Wouldn't the inner confusion seep out into the vocalized conversation?
'But really, it’s the opposite. I’m mature, despite my still-child-like looks.'
Now I'm concerned and I have come to the realization that the teacher is creepy.
' Are you hungry Mr. Rawson?' needs a comma. Not to grammar Nazi it up, but I didn't like reading it without one and details matter.
I enjoyed the appearance of the mother, and how she is very forward, even from a hospital bed. The brother was cliche and I think should be reconsidered. After all, brothers are more clever than that, I would say, especially given that the mother seems to be a wit herself.
I'm finished now. I'm weirded out, but I read it, and I didn't hate it. I would also say that my sex and age is not the target age group for this story, but it was readable, and amusing at times. The major critique I'll offer for acceptance is that this idea, student-teacher, is a tried-and-true formula for a short story. Inherent to that is the difficulty in making it stand out, and I feel that this piece doesn't have enough spice, flavor, moxy, etc.
But I'll probably still read the continuation.
-CS |
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