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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What I suggest is if you read some article that is offensive, instead of continuing to read, trying to see exactly how offended you eventually become, stop reading it and move on. Yes, some stories offend. Some authors write with that goal in mind. However, I will not be the one that condemns them. I will stop reading and perhaps never return to that writer again.


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2
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "The Dark Society" Open in new Window. Review!


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You have written an interesting interpretation of Lincoln's last moments. You have indeed told the tale from a different perspective. The tragic event has been told repeatedly to Americans. I could not have been more than six when I first learned of it and that first learning has been echoed a hundred times. I have heard it so much that with only the barest hint, I know the entire event. You however presented it in a fashion that makes it like I am hearing it anew. The fact You hand no misspellings and typos made it easy to follow.

Keep writing,
John


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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From ten to zero in only twenty lines. That is some fast elimination. Each reduction in number made sense. Out of the ten, I guess number seven did okay, but the rest have problems.
You show imagination and creativity with this piece.
Keep on writing,
John


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4
Review of The Triangle  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)






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This is my review of The Triangle
A tale with a happy ending. All the time on the news I see people getting away with all sorts of villainous deeds. It is about time the tables were turned.
Let me say the ending of your short tale came as a surprise. There were less than a thousand words in the story, but still you managed to build suspense.
What I am most pleased with is that everything worked out exactly as planned.


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5
5
Review of Penance  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi Jeff.
I have chosen your work, Penance to review. As with all your tales, this one was error free, with no typos or misspellings. Your opening paragraph captured my attention. My thoughts at this start was the lady was setting him up. She would turn out to be a vampire or a serial killer that would lead that drunk to his doom. I was partially correct. She is indeed a serial killer, but not in the way I imagined.
She suffers from the mistake she made. I will not divulge that error so those who have not yet had the pleasure of reading it will not have it spoiled.
People make errors all the time and in someway or fashion they are atoned for. The protagonist's particular hell is that others have to pay the price.


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked what I read. Many people do not realize it, but animals have souls also. I have always believed, but have no way what so ever to prove it, that when animals die, they are reborn. They have reincarnation. That does not apply to humans. We get our one shot an move on. I think that is how instinct works. Take a lion for example. A lion lives it life, going around and doing all the stuff lions do. The day comes when it dies. Soon after it is reborn. It has all the memories of its past life and goes thru its life again. Hit the repeat button each life cycle.
I saws no typos, everything was spelled correctly, and your poem made a clear point. Soon he will come back and have another shot at it.


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can feel the spirit of Christmas as I read your piece. It is 100 degrees just the other side of my window, but I felt a split second of yuletide coolness. You captured the spirit of the season with family and friends coming together to celebrate. You brought a moment of piece to us in this ever increasing time of woe.


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
by furthering my education I can also aspire to do great things.

Only suggestion I can come up with is concerns this last line.
By furthering her education she has a better chance of accomplishing great things, but she can aspire great things with or without the degree.

Perhaps something along the line of:... when I receive my degree, I can accomplish great things not only for me and my family, but hopefully for humanity.


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
56 The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings Jeff is Kylo Ren

I am reviewing "Kenna Kitada - Chapter 1" Open in new Window. today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." Open in new Window..
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 27 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


P33 Kenna locks up and heads to the gray Ford Explorer.

To this point everything is past tense. This is present tense.

P54 Kenna locks up and heads to the gray Ford Explorer.

present tense


P56 Mrs. Ingersoll seems to consider Kenna’s words.

present tense


Your first chapter gives the reader a vivid description of Kenna Kitada. Besides her physical beauty, the reader learns she is athletic, and a private investigator. Kenna has a sense of right and wrong and also high professional standards. She teaches the bully surfer a lesson, and in business, will not lower her code of ethics.

The first sentence gave me a good first impression. Kenna strives to be good at what she does, going to the ocean early to get in an extra hour of practice. Right there I can tell she is not the type of lady that will settle for second best.

The tale progresses in a seemly order, one section leading into the next and each one giving a little more insight into Kenna. By the end of the chapter, I believe I have a basic understanding of her. I think in a battle, I would want her on my side.
I was delighted to discover that Sunset Cliffs is a real place, and not one created for the story. You describe it well enough that I would not mind seeing it myself someday.

This chapter primarily focuses on Kenna. I discovered her hobby, her business, got a small tour of her home and office, and a good look into her personality. I am unable to tell if the others mentioned will play a role further along in the tale. You mentioned Abe, the dentist she shares the duplex with, and spend a few sentences on the interaction between Kenna and her client, Mrs. Ingersoll. Also, you used a significant section of the chapter discussing the newbie surfer. Kenna comes to his aide and of course he makes a light pass at her. I think this part of the chapter is written to show more detail into Kenna, but I guess it might be possible the newbie may come into play later. I will have to read the rest of your novel to see if this is so or not.

You are a good writer, using correct punctuation and spelling. You vary the length of sentences, avoiding the hypnotic like affect same size sentences can give. You give life to your character and color to her life.

I found this an entertaining and exciting opening to a book I would enjoy reading. I hope that soon I will get that pleasure.

Happy writing,
John

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Review of The Rescue  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Rescue

Let me say that anything I suggest is only that, a suggestion. If I suggest something you like, please use it. Toss the rest.

P2 He turned the toothpick that was hanging

drop 'that was'. That changes the sentence from passive to active

P5 "We'll see who's walkin' through the valley of death tomorra, Deppity." Bart muttered as the officer sauntered out the front door to roll a blanket.

When quoting a speaker in your story, the sentence is not actually over until the speaker is named. The part you have in the quotations (" ") is a complete sentence, but it is inside a larger sentence. You place a comma after the part in quotations and wait until the end to use a single period. I would write the above sentence like this:

"We'll see who's walkin' through the valley of death tomorra, Deppity," Bart muttered as the officer sauntered out the front door to roll a blanket.

The only change is a period to a comma, but it is an important difference. Do that with all quotes followed by the identity of the speaker.

Exception: If the speaker is asking a question, place the ? at the end of the speaker's sentence.

In you story use lots of western slang. Lots. At a couple of points it gets confusing.
The 1st place: P11 Mack grunted as he hog-tied the deputy with a gut line,
Now in P14: Bart watched the officer's face pale. His hands flew up in terror.
 Now the deputies hands are raised. At one point his is tied and a couple of sentences later he is raising his hands. Now does 'hog-tied' mean the deputy was punched in the stomach instead of actually being tied up? If that is the case, you may want to word it differently. If the deputy was tied, you need to explain how he raises his hands.

P15 I ain't beyond jimmying a bull

I have no idea what you mean here.

P18 "Just lather 'em up a bit and tie 'em

Does this mean 'beat him up?' May want to make clearer.

P23 "Sure, boss!"

capitalize 'boss'


P25 "I hearn ya the first time, boss."

In this case, 'boss' is a title and should be capitalized.

P32 Bart swung a leg over her back and settled himself in for a long ride.

Was Shirley already saddled?

P33 "I'll allers come fer ya

I figured out 'allers' means 'always' but you may want to make it sound and spell a little bit closer to 'always'.

P34 "There's no greater love that that of a

than

I see your story centers on Bart's fondness for his horse. During the old west days, many times a horse was the only thing of values many cowboys owned. It was their most trustworthy partner.

You may find it of interest that John Wayne, the legendary star of many westerns hated horses. He called them dumb beasts. I guess him and Bart would not get along.

Happy writing,
John


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Review of FEAR  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hi, Founts.
I came across your story and thought I would look it over. I read thru it and have a basic understanding of this fear. You need to do some work and clean it up to make it both a more enjoyable read and easier to understand. For the most part, you have long sentences. Many of these sentences are close in length. You should vary sentence length.
Somehow you keep getting the symbol  to show in the tale. Go back and delete all of them. found myself stood on a deserted Don't need 'stood'.
Let me suggest you go thru the story line by line. Read each out loud to get a feel of what it sounds like. There are many of them you can improve on. One way is to remove the word 'that' when it is not needed.
Let me say the section about the police officer is his idea of a joke. He sees this person on the streets and hints about an ax man wondering around. It may have been his way of hurrying you home.


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12
12
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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A good tale. I like what you have written. I did not see any typos or any misspellings. I already see Edgar in the work force. He filled out the application, passed the interview and was hired right away. Tomorrow he starts training as the assistant manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Happy writing,
John

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13
13
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi, prohtpiz. Let me start by saying anything I suggest is only that, a suggestion. Only you can change your tale. If I suggest something you like, please use it. Toss the rest.
Items highlighted in red are words you wrote. Items highlighted in blue you also wrote, but that is the area I make a suggestion.

A tale of genies under control. They must have fits with that. You have several descriptions of them. My favorite is the one of Barbra Eden. Did I ever dream of genie! I noticed one type of genie you did not have. How about a lamp that is rubbed, erupting smoke from the spout that turns into a genie?
These genies all sound as if they come from the same place as the genies in the movie series, Wishmaster.

P1 What else could he be.

Needs a question mark instead of a period.

P6 "Hi Bong"

comma after 'Bong'.

P11 "How's it going Bong"

comma after 'going'

P16 "As you wish," I thought to myself,

When you think, it is understood to be to yourself. Unless you were at a psychic convention, there is no one else to think to. Drop "to myself"

P16 Damnit.

Damn it

P21 "Mark? It seems Bong here is looking or a new master,"

Do not need 'here' 'for' instead of 'or'

P22 I noticed that Mark

do not need 'that'

Lets hope the devices that keep the genies in check never have a power failure.

Happy writing,
John


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14
14
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Ah, the case of the vanishing B. Good mystery. I find the most mysterious part is how did B. get past you to the boy without you seeing him? I cannot let my wife see this or she might decide to take me to the Stora Sjofallet National Park. I did not see any typos or misspellings.

Happy writing
John


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15
15
Review of Paranioa  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you. They've been after me for years, but so far I have stayed hidden.

There are many people out there that live your tale. I have run into a few. They are impossible to reason with. After a time if you do not agree that "THEY" are out to get them, you become one of "THEY".

I suggest that all of us start wearing aluminum foil hats.

No typos or misspelling that I saw.

Happy writing,
John

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16
16
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This sounds like it could be a Proverb, or perhaps one of Aesop's Fables. How many people out there due to pride, scorn the help they so need? Too bad there are real world parallels to the seahorse. I have seen families, and have heard of many more that refuse help, wanting the world to think they can make it on their own without having to accept charity. I have also seen these same families end up with social workers at their home with a police escort and a judges order to remove children from the home.

In the case of your seahorse, I see his problem. He desires to free himself by his own hand, but he has no hands to do the task.

Happy writing,
John

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17
17
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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A good essay and one that some here may find helpful. The penalties on plagiarism vary, depending on the case. A 2nd grade teacher should not be shocked to discover a paper on {enter topic} she assigned was returned with students copying from the encyclopedia. However, a professor receiving a dissertation on (enter topic) may not be quite as understanding when the dissertation has several areas where ideas presented were not the authors and were not properly referenced.
What I am curious about is there are millions of novels, novellas, short stories, poems, and so on written each year. Take WdC as an example. Your topic, Originality vs Plagiarism has ID# 2086144. This means that it is the 2 millionth, eighty-sixth thousandth, one hundred forty-forth article written on this site. There is no telling how many hundreds of other writing sites are out there. Then there are the hundreds of thousands of writers not belonging to any writers forum.
If it is true there is nothing new under the sun,it is also true that despite the saying, lighting does strike the same place more than once. (Take the Empire State Building for example.)
What happens when two separate writers, with no connection with each other, thousands of miles apart, write the same item? Now I realize the items will not be word for word duplicates, but will be close enough that when one version is compared to the next, an impartial reader will think the only difference is some minor editing.
I think that someday, that may happen. I just pray I am not one of the parties when it does.
I did enjoy your essay. It was well written and I did not see any typos or misspelling, therefore I have no option except to award the article 5 Stars.

Happy writing,
John

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18
18
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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The oak is a lovely tree, among my favorites. When I look upon one, I see strength and endurance. From your poem, I see you have some of the same basic thoughts about this tree as I do. You show life flourishing on and around it. It is a home and a shelter. It seems as if you are in tune with nature.
I do not read a lot of poetry. Being unable to write one more evolved than "Mary had a little lamb" I generally shy from them. I am glad however I took the time to read yours.


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Review of Miss Beazley  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am a cat person. I have always liked cats more than dogs. I would like Miss Beazley also. I would leave a little bowl of milk out for her each evening. What I especially like about your story is the happy ending. Methinks it might be awhile before the three shooters return to try their luck again.
I did not see misspellings or typos.

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20
20
Review of Thirst  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Review of Thirst
Let me say at the start that anything I suggest in only that, a suggestion. Only you can change your work. If I say something you like, use it, toss the rest.
Items in red are items you wrote. Item highlighted in blue you also wrote, but those are the areas I suggest changes.

He pulled over in the garage

He pulled over what in the garage? Was he in a car, on a motorcycle, on foot? Let the reader know.

The sweat was dripping from his temple

When possible, use active verbs instead of passive. Change 'was dripping' to 'dripped'.

It surely was a hot day as his eyes were gleaming too

'gleamed'
I'm not sure how the heat of the day causes his eyes to gleam.

"Does it have to be today?" he asked to himself.

Comma after the " and before 'he'
Drop 'to'. You could also drop 'himself'. Since he is the only one there, the reader should understand he talked to himself.

knowing he wouldn't find her there his steps become clumsy

place a comma after 'there'.

He reached to his couch and dived onto it

drop 'to'

As he felt his thirst his throat screeched too "why today??"

Comma after 'thirst'. Capitalize 'why'.

Barely making it to the refrigerator he has think a dozen explanations why he was right in the morning.

Comma after 'refrigerator'. Drop 'think'
The sentence before this on he fell onto his couch, now he is moving to the refrigerator. You need to add a transition sentence between the two events.

Perhaps she will take him back, but there is as likely a chance she will tell him to drop dead.

For this being the first thing you have written, you are off to a good start. The secret to writing a good tale is to edit. After you edit, go back and edit again.
Once you do that, consider going back to reedit.

I sent you a little welcome present for joining us here at WdC.

Happy writing,
John

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21
21
Review of Grandma's House  Open in new Window.
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Then again, it could have been that Mr. Hitler was a S.O.B.


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22
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a nice 1st memory.
You sound like a cat person. Me too. I have had dogs, but I much prefer cats. I think it might be their aloof attitude. "Everything is about me. Your job is to feed me and scratch me behind the ears."
You probably did not realize it then, but you were in extreme danger when you met Alan Hale. What if he had asked you if you would like to go on a three hour tour?


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23
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of Two Sentence Horror Stories

Creative thinking here. I like the idea of the short, scary stuff. I like the last one best. Speaking of the last one, since 'daisy' is a name, you should capitalize it. If you wrote some four line horror tales, would them be twice as scary?

Happy writing,
John


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Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Once there was a little girl who could sing like an angle

I think you mean 'angel'

One day she went a walking to explore and sing.

Do not need 'a'

Her mom saw her daughter crying and asked my dear sweetheart whatever is the

you may consider 'her' instead.

For some reason, when you entered an apostrophe, it printed as 'â'

Just a suggestion about two words, 'That' and 'had'.
Every time you write a sentence with one of those words in it, read the sentence with the word and without the word. If it reads well and makes sense without 'that' or 'had', leave it out. You tale will read better if you leave those two far over used words out.

On you story as a whole, I think if you do a little editing, you will have a tale that will delight younger children. Perhaps some of them might even sing.

I see you are new here. Let me send you a proper welcome.

Happy writing,
John


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25
25
Review by John Nation Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A different perspective on the oldest profession. I doubt that since the start of the human race there has ever been a woman that selected this trade out of fondness. Only sheer desperation would force a person into the kind of danger they take on with this job. For one brief instant I saw into the life of this woman. There was both beauty and horror in the scene.
Of course you had no typos or misspellings.
On an entirely different topic, I really like your avatar.


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