Hello. Feel free to question this critique, as I may have missed some details. The story here is the cloak that Zob has to make for Neb and how that started the "cloak phenomenon" in history. At the beginning of the story, it says "At the dawn of time," but in the story there is a rather well-developed commerce sector. Even though they are using the proverbial "grunts" in place of the words we see, would that really be realistic? It's sort of Deus Ex Machina for the "dawn of time," I was thinking. But after finishing the story, I realized that it was actually set way far into human development, a time where humans already had developed basic commerce and consumer goods, as well as trading. And even a monarchy. This was really advanced as far as the history of humanity was concerned. The protagonist even knew that he was "cheating" by using weasel pelts for the king's cloak. I really liked this story more as I read to the end. I always wanted to write a store at the "beginning." Soon JJ
(1000 characters)
Ah, the noble vending machine. From which for an decade hence I have been spurned without sustenance. My throat parched. My taste buds tingling. While mockerous candies abound. How much fun it used to be to insert and exsert. How beautiful the wrapper. Now, I'm left with a lone Youtube diet expert. And a lowly vegetable platter.
This was absolutely amazing, especially for such a short story. And it was published!
Beginning: It starts out with the protagonist going out to exercise, or at least supposed to. He then stops off for coffee with a buddy, for some "jaw pushups." I will admit that the reason I was drawn to this story was the idea of exercising. I do multiple workouts per day. I don't look like Dwayne Johnson, or even Simone Biles, but I like to think I do. When I saw where this story was placed in the magazine, it fit very well.
Middle: In the middle, the character is sitting at a coffee shop with a buddy when this buff, brash, brazen, bodily bodacious brother starts walking down the street, showing off his abs. I get the feeling that this guy's only claim to fame is is stomach, which I assume wouldn't be to bad, depending on hotness levels.
Ending: The ending quote says it all: "I hope that pulled out his chest hair." Not to be too crude, but it sounded like: "I hope that dropped his balls." John
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I am so jealous I always wanted to make my own Shakespearean sonnet, but I never had the courage to try. It seems so hard. I love the addition of literary history in this poem, with Poe and the like. It would have been even more tongue-in-cheek if it had included Shakespeare's works. But I digress. The thing that I like about this so much is the pure dedication to form. It is true that certain punctuation was used in this form which Shakespeare wouldn't have used, but that's not a knock against it. A lot has changed since 1595, and your poem captures the essence of reality as we see it to day. But it's also aware of history. It really tells a story, in a concise and literary way, without having any "bridges to nowhere" or anything that could hurt the poem moving forward. I really have to get started with my own Shakespearean sonnets, and I was thinking that maybe this was a sign that I should get started on that as soon as possible. I may not have the opportunity if I don't start nows.
FuryStrife. I think I've reviewed you before. Anyway, the purpose of this Cramp was to write a story about a street sweeper and a dog. I didn't have any expectations about this one, as I couldn't remember any previous works at the time. I really liked the emotional aspect of this story. And this story was heavy on emotion. It was really enjoyable to see the inner feelings of the characters and what they were all about. You talked about the main character's marriage troubles and career troubles. What he said to the dog was very revealing as well. I didn't even mention my street sweeper driver, but you were very generous in your writing. I imagine that this created a special connection to your story, because of the human element. But the emotion. That was the thing I brought away from your story. Throughout the entire thing it was just...captivating. The dog dies, and then he takes the dog's baby home to join his family, and he takes the dog's ashes? Would I have written a story like it?
Remember, you have to put your word count in the actual post as well, just above the {b-item }. I really liked this story. It was like the story that I would've written in that situation. But so much has changed. It was very noble and wise that the teacher wanted the races to work together - because, after all, we're all Americans - and that's how I took the story. I didn't read the prompt, but I'm assuming that it has something to do with magic, due to the disappearing boy. It was actually very convincing that the children started to care for one another when the young boy disappeared. I wouldn't have assumed so, but as I read it it started to make sense. The young children were scared and faced with adversity. This is the story that I would've written in that situation. I would've been great to see how these kids ended up as adults. How they interacted with future partners, bosses and in-laws who were the "other". If you keep writing, soon your stories will get longer and longer.
Hey, Jay! It's been years! I've finished my first novel, so I want to start reviewing all of your works again. I like the fact that you both start and end the poem saying that people think you a "Fool" for believing that Christ rose on the first day. It really solidifies the poem. In that sense, it's like a hit song. There were places in which you simplified grammar in order to keep the rhythm consistent, and I appreciate that. In the future, though, if you have something like "for Wise One We Obey," you might want to put an "a" in there and say: for a Wise One we obey. It's both grammatically correct, AND it allows you to melt the syllable into the next word. If you say "a Wise" briskly, it sounds like one syllable.
I read this line:
As God Incarnate stood before
a man, who'd judgement give.
The problem with this is that it's saying that Jesus stood before a man, and THAT man would give judgement.
If you put a comma after before, then it's saying that Jeusus is "a man."
Keep roe
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From the moment that I read "uncovered" I knew that that word was going to have a great effect in the rest of the story. Then it goes to "my feet are bare." But before that, you use alliteration to great effect: "brighter, sharper, cleaner, warmer." It almost makes me feel as if is some kind of warm, tropical rain, not the freezing cold rains that I'm used to.
I've never read somebody say that their feet "bruised the grass." That's new. I guess it implies that he was running through, trying to escape the possibility of contracting pneumonia. I don't think I could smell a glow, but I could smell a flow.
When I read the words "I feel it-" it was a religious experience for me. Plus the hyphen is certainly correct. But I was sort of let down by the fact that the only thing he felt was the water "hitting" him. You really could've said something revolutionary with that sentence, but that's just my style.
"A hint of salt" is when I really started to take notice. I reminded me of me too
That part about all of the Fienzas being recalled, I used to do that in all of my stories. That chance occurrence that reverses everything in the story and saves the main character (or justifies him). It was actually very original to name him John Smith, as most people avoid that name nowadays.
And it seems more like an instruction manual because of the name. What's the lesson? Pay your taxes on time.
I've never seen the Honda Jazz mentioned in a story or poem before. That was very gutsy.
At first I thought Melissa was a figment of his imagination, sort of like the devil on one shoulder that tempts him to buy the car. It's very typical that he would want a brand new Corvette. Actually, you can get a new Corvette for around $60,000. Corvettes are the one of the most affordable sports cars. By comparison, a new Porsche is going to run you at least $100,000 (I mean, 911, 918, Carrera, etc).
It's good that the dealer was considerate instead of just pimp-slapping him like I expect.J
It's nice that you've put the prompt up at top. I used to think that's why I was losing (because I didn't quid pro quo the reviewer) but it turned out that the reviewers just didn't understand my work.
The piece is very straightforward. You use longer lines than I do, but it still has a nice flow and rhythm to it that is very pleasing.
"great at procrastination" I hear that a lot nowadays. Some people say it's a virtue. It wasn't when I had it. I didn't like the second line, but I was wrong about that. It makes perfect sense. It fits the poem more than what I would've said in that instance.
And you followed the prompt correctly. The extension was for two days, but the "Great Procrastinator" waited a week, not hearing about the extension. And you repeated IRS in the second line of the stanza, just like in the second line of the first stanza. There's that consistency. And then you mention all of the bad stuff that happens when you don't pay your taxes. Stuff that I barely knew too.
This poem was big on the feels for me. Especially the first stanza. It had me feeling for a time when I could still feel. I didn't like the word "Memories" for some reason, maybe a nineties thing. But I did like how you shoehorned in "open all the windows." It sort of makes you think more about what's being said. Sort of like a false sense of hope, or an attempt to be bright and positive.
The last line was powerful. It really spoke to me. It tells me that you are different and have a different angle on your interactions with people. Forgive me, but I immediately thought of school shooters, how they believed that the world was out to get them, and how they couldn't get around the roadblocks that society placed in front of them. Their actions made it harder for all of us. It didn't have to be that way, but it was. School shootings became "in vogue" and it seemed that everyone was doing it. Your poem reminded me of something that I would've written at a younger age.
185 Words.
This form reminds me of Disney movies or The Wizard of Oz. Very iconic. Especially the first stanza. They it switches from slow speed to high speed. That's a very nice skill you have. It took a while to get what was happening, but you've made the story work with the prompt in a very cohesive way, without jeopardizing meaning. I love how you've put things together. You've even rhymed windows with heroes. I never would've thought of that. It really fits with the titles. And it's nice that you have drafted the hummingbird as the hero, as they are very likeable animals. I didn't catch any typos (I can only hope that mine doesn't have any). With that first stanza, I'd say you have an 80% chance of winning tomorrow. The whole poem is very efficient. It makes the right words pop, and the flow is amazing. It's like being on a roller coaster. It was strange that "the ruby throated leader protected the feeder" when it was already broken, but that's neither here nor there.
Very quickly. Bartender is one word. In the penultimate sentence, you put a lower-case "b" after and exclamation point. It should've been upper-case. That is all I found. Powerful story.
You'll probably win today. you have that style of writing that is so engaging. I can't duplicate it. The only mistake I could catch was when you wrote:
"Over the next five hours, Kavion danced, and talked, to all nine of the females there several times."
There should not be a comma after talked. The reason why is that when you put a double comma, it carries the clause from the preceding statement. In this case it would read as:
"Kavion danced to all nine" and Kavion "talked to all nine"
With just one comma, it reads:
"Kavion danced" and "Kavion talked to"
Of course you don't have to worry about the judges finding that.
The story was more related to dancing than romance, but my story had the same problem. I love how you added in the future technology to make it more Sci-Fi. That really fit the theme.
Quickly, Change this sentence at the top:
"Just as Kavion and Catonna got to the other dancers, the music stop."
The last line is CLASSIC! "And an anniversary is an anniversary." I loved that. It was nice that you copied the prompt to the top. I probably wouldn't do it, but I think it helps the judges a lot. The gun made an early appearance. Guns in stories and go either way. They raise the stakes really high, because all the character would have to do is accidentally discharge and then spend their lives behind bars, or get the death penalty. But you added a gun AND kept it light. You meticulously followed the prompt as well. It was very clear as to what your were referring to. I also didn't detect any typos in the story. The only part I didn't like was when the main character is like, "I almost shot you, and I might just do it anyway." Paraphrasing, but that reminded me too much or Riggs and the other guy from Lethal Weapon. Other than that, fine story. Hope to see you for the next four days. 171 Words.
I liked the first stanza because there was so much mystery involved. Unbeknownst vs Unknown. It makes me want to research the meanings of words to get a better understanding. I see the idea of love existing without hate as being a sort-of cliche. I mean, theoretically it is possible, but life isn't fun without something to hate. Love gets tiring after a while. But the ending was tremendous. To see one's own blindness. That's one thing that blind people have over us. They can actually see that they are blind. For the rest of us, even if we close our eyes, we still see that ring of light.
It's sort of a paradox at the end, because we go from being blind to realizing that there is no light.
I like this poem because it's so "poemy." A lot of times people write poems and they're just "prose in stanzas that rhyme," but you have taken the time to add a poetic twist and there's a certain overall character that speaks to your personality.
I always try to date your poems, and in the first stanza it has the word "core." When I think of that word, I think of computer cores, because that's the realm that I'm most familiar with, but in actuality the word could denote any time. And truly this poem could be from any time.
I didn't understand "no eye he thus displays" except to think that maybe his eyes aren't visible. But it wasn't a deal breaker for me.
When I read the second stanza, I could see the Christian influence. "[L]ife that may yet be" could be a reference to the birth of the baby Jesus. And I couldn't figure out why you put "me" in quotes, except that maybe you were quoting the bible. On a side note, I like how you've added the "hath, speaks, shows, gives" to each stanza. It makes it easier to read, and more enjoyable.
In the third stanza, you used the word "knows" and that is interesting, because when we studied the bible, in many cases to "know" meant to have sex with. I know it's an obscure reference, but that's what I kept thinking about.
This is going to seem quite odd, but in the fourth stanza I would've put "While self may yet increase." I understand that it's a Christian thing to say that "let me decrease so that He may increase," But I tend to think that if you help others, you increase your own potential as a human being. Your spiritual power grows. Just a slight point of contention.
It was really masterful how you put "if...if...is" in the beginning of the next three stanzas. It's repetition without stagnation. I assume that in the sixth stanza you were saying that Santa Clause was "the source of Joy or Sad." That's probably an oversimplification, though.
In stanza you're saying that we should become daily Santa Clauses, sort of like how to the bible says "I die daily." Interesting. I think in stanza 8 you're saying that things get worse, even though you thought you'd suffered enough.
Was the 9th stanza about the 2016 election? Sorry I went there. Are you saying that Trump stole Christmas?
I question the choice of entering a Newbies Only contest when anybody can look at your work and tell that you're an expert. But I digress. It is true that if you have a "best," you'll "stand the test." I can think back to my own life. I never had anybody that really cared about me, someone that I could go to in an emergency. When my back was against the wall, I had nowhere to go. So I could not "stand the test." There must be an evolutionary element to this. In prehistoric times, if you couldn't build beneficial relationships, you were dead. That simple. We can still see that play out in modern times.
But at the same time, we are not our friends. We have different personalities and (hopefully) different histories.
It would've been so funny if you had written, "Some hear my jokes, and frown" in the sixth stanza. It means the exact opposite of what you wrote, but it still fits the narrative. "As youthful man I 'toed the line'" in stanza eight is an extreme cliche, and probably shouldn't be in quotes. And I know you're not going to like this, but "toeing the line" is more about conformity, whereas this stanza is about being wild and disobedient. It doesn't fit narratively. I know it was more nuanced than that, but that is what stuck in my head. "Live and let live" is also a cliche, albeit a more pleasant one to look at.
In the first two lines of the last stanza, you start by saying "one" and then you say "my." You're switching from the third person to the first person without warning. That's jarring. Maybe it should've been "the day" instead of "my day".
But that's all conjecture.
The only problem I had with this poem was that it didn't actually tell you "How to become a friend." And at the end it basically says, just be a Christian and only befriend Christians. What I learned when I was a Christian was that that is not real friendship. And that's why I became an Atheist (not trying to preach).
Compared to my younger life, stress isn't even an issues anymore. I don't know what it is. Compared to my younger days, my life is worry-free. But this poem was still informative. I like the "Ev'ry" it makes it seem as if the poem was written during the industrial revolution, or slightly before. In order for the last line of the first stanza to work, you have to do one of three things. Either 1) put a comma after "Know," 2) take the "K" off, or 3) take the word out.
When I read the first and second lines of the second stanza, I couldn't help but thinking that you were talking about this year's presidential race. In the second stanza, I would've put "All gifts of mind are forever fell/all the dryness of throat goeth thirsting for well" There are two reasons for this. First off, you used "Ev'ry" twice in the first stanza, and now it's getting old. Second, back in the old days a fountain is something that rich people have in their gardens, or at expensive public places. The average "plebian" would get his water from a well. Obviously it wasn't until I read the end of the second stanza that I realized that this poem was in fact about this year and not the past, so "fount" might be more appropriate after all.
So were trying to nudge us toward Hillary Clinton in the third stanza or were you absolving Trump of his "sin"?
When I read "We to throne you would bring" in the fourth stanza, I actually thought it meant that they were asking the olive to help them find someone to bring to the throne, not that they were asking the olive to rule over them. That was my fault.
This would make an excellent children's book.
"All of our days" seemed like a platitude. I didn't like it, personally.
So the message is, forget politics! Get saved!
Expect nothing less from the best.
When I started reading your poem, honestly, the first thing I thought was, "How am I supposed to beat this?" I think I should maybe keep reviewing your work, because it's really edifying. The first line was a jackpot. It sets the scene and it's like when we were in school and they made us write a thesis statement. The whole poem flows from that initial declaration. I honestly wouldn't have used "The One," because people will think you're praying to Keanu Reeves. I like the second stanza where you write "whose intent was our coast." It personifies the storm and it creates a gap for our imagination to fill.
I would've used the word "tested" instead of "ravaged" in the third stanza. That word is what we call, in writing, a nuclear fly swatter. The image of a cloud raping an island is so horrible that it's absolutely hilarious. "Expire" is also a nuclear fly swatter. An island may have a bad storm and be flooded, but it won't "expire," even if it's just buried under the water.
In the sixth stanza I would've written "in manger of straw/His judgement is Law." I would've used straw because it sounds older than hay.
Stanza seven may be the most sophisticated of them all. It really tells a lot about the other, but the author is invisible at the same time. Stanza eight is the exile, almost like the chronology of the bible itself. "Hope is on display" reminds me of the Disney movies that I grew up with, like Pocahontas.
"A chilly morning breeze" brings back great memories for me. I love the winter. It's like high-octane fuel for the body. Everything in life feels so much more real when your skin is icy. I know you meant fall, but that's just my preference.
Awaken by a simple breeze? Or maybe it wasn't so simple. The title forced me to ask Cortana what an equinox was. I think you should've added more about it in the poem. Though I understand that this is more about your childhood than equinoxes. Maybe it needs a new title.
Listening to birds belies a simple lifestyle that I could never achieve. That's part of the allure of your poem. Most of us couldn't have the simple life if it was mandated by law. It would take an act of Congress to get me from behind the keyboard and out to the beach, much less on a nature expedition. I don't know why, but "the coming harvest" seems a bit cliched to me. It's because I come from the inner city and, frankly, I've never seen a harvest with my own eyes. But I do understand that for some people, very few people, it is their whole life, the thing that they work towards all year long.
Soul also seems cliched. So few people even know what a soul is, so when it's used it just seems off. "My Oklahoma childhood" seems dry. Maybe it could've been "I remember raising cattle in Oklahoma". I like how you used "its" in this stanza and not "it's". The last stanza has a special place with me, because I have often noticed how I don't feel experiences as intensely as I did when I was a boy. Things now seem to be coming out of a dispenser.
MAD TV was the show that really formulated my sense of humor. During the early and mid years of MAD TV, I was treated to the likes of Stewart, Phil Lamar, Aries Spears, "You know what" lady, and so many great comedians (Key and Peele). It came on about the same time as Saturday Night Live. This was at the time that SNL was no longer funny, so it was great to have MAD TV as an alternative. There was so much funny stuff about the show, but towards the end it was just no longer funny. It's funny(!) because MAD TV was funnier than SNL, but at the end it was less funny than SNL, and it turned out that SNL had more longevity than even MAD TV. MAD TV had everything going for it: the comedians, the writers, the station (FOX 32), the time slot (just before SNL), and the attitude.
I went into this whole diatribe about MAD TV because that's my generation, and it is very gratifying for someone else to reference something that is endemic to my past, but it's really bitter-sweet (see what I did there?) because I know how bad the show got by the time it was canceled. The failure of MAD TV was the failure of my generation, which is why the SNL generation continues to dominate us (Gen y) economically, culturally, socially and politically. You can see it with Trump fighting Hillary for the white house, with Bernie Sanders losing the nomination, The Avengers dominating at the box office. My generation has been swamped. I still don't like SNL, but there's a lot that I could learn from a show like that. In truth, I would learn more by studying what MAD TV did wrong.
I went into this long diatribe because MAD TV was so symbolic of my generation and I, how we had the talent but couldn't go the distance And now we're waiting for Gen X to feed us and pay our bills. There was a slight misconception. At first, when she lifted her clothes, I thought she was going to fart on the candles and make a fart flamethrower. I totally misread that part. But after reading it again and watching the video, it became obvious. Thanks for writing.
This is a small gripe, but maybe you could tell the reader if menopause was really the cause of the sweating, or if she was just a very sweaty person and was just trying to cover it up. The reader naturally wants to have the "inside track," so-to-speak. The word "uncontrollably" is a word that I don't like to read. It's something about the meaning of the word that I don't like. It is hyperbole on a whole nother level and the world ultimately ends up eating itself. It would've been hilarious if it had read "sweating buckets," or "sweating like David Beckam".
I like the term "for me" because it adds complexity to the story. It sort of folds in on itself and gives off energy. For example, it lets you know that the main character is thinking of herself and what is best for her. It's sort of a window into her soul. "But here I sat" should be the beginning of a new sentence. In fact, the story would have been better if you had cut out all of the sentence after this. Why? I know that I sound like a prude, but someone just soaked in sweat, and funky, is not only sickening, it's unrealistic. She never would've gotten the job if she had been sitting there, sweating like she stole the entire Fort Knox (If the interviewer didn't feel sorry for anybody else, why for menopause? I mean, even though she had it herself?).
It was amazing that she could tell that the other hopefuls were not happy, even though her eyes were closed. Amazing.
When she went for the water, it added a sense of urgency to the story. A lot of stories do this. It's sort of annoying because when drama is added on top of drama it calls attention to itself. I was really impressed that you used the word "draining". That dates the story in the twenty-first century (I don't remember people saying that in the nineties).
336 Words.
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