Hello again S.G., time to dive into chapter 2.
 Same vices with comma splices and run-ons. Also quite a bit of lengthy sentences in need of commas, plus possessives in need of apostrophes. Never fear, Punctuation Man is always punctual 
Lead sentence
 The day dawned on a clear late summer morning, and in a particular house, a young half elf paced the floor nervously as his.  (as his what?)
Of course a day dawned. Why not open with the character and his action instead? 'Nervously' is somewhat redundant, as we already know he's pacing the floor.
A young half elf paced the floor as the dawn spilled its light onto a late Summer morning.
A healing mage arrived and after greeting her old friends Sarah ushered the husband and his sister out of the room
Set off the intermediate clause with commas, and don't forget the period at the end!
A healing mage arrived and, after greeting her old friends, Sarah ushered the husband and his sister out of the room.
now that it had come , he felt as though (comma)
threw the door open ; he did not want to repair the stalls
Semi-colon here corrects the run-on sentence.
A fourth horse, which he had never seen before , stood in the center
(closing comma to complete the subject phrase) 
came clumsily toward him. It seemed to have a broken hoof
New sentence here, instead of a run-on.
continued to whinny nervously ; one attempted to smash through
Thou shalt not splice with commas
Looking at the horse’s eyes , Malek thought he saw a strange red glint in them, but when he looked closer it was gone.
Use commas for natural pauses in long sentences.
Something was wrong with this creature—he could feel it.
Thou shalt not run-on! (long dash)
It was as though night had come quickly.
Here's an opportunity to spice up your narrative. I'm thinking of a personification:
It was as though night had ambushed the barn.
In an instant, Malek remembered Vilix, glancing about for a weapon; he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall a little to his left.
This construction implies that Vilix glances around for a weapon. Let's clear it up:
In an instant, Malek remembered Vilix. Glancing about for a weapon, Malek spotted a pitchfork leaning nearby against the wall. a little to his left (this info was hardly useful, and easily replaced by "nearby")
he feared he already knew the answer, the thing that stood before him had to be a demon of some sort, his father had once told him stories of the Shar.
Here are 3 sentences spliced with commas and no conjunctions. The second sentence is a result of the first (redefining "answer") so use a colon there.
he feared he already knew the answer: the thing that stood before him had to be a demon of some sort. His father had once told him stories of the Shar.
spun right and caught his attacker's sword (apostrophe)
freed his blade and went for Malek's feet (apostrophe)
The creature yelled in anger as it hit the wall . (period!) Malek hurled his pitchfork
from the direction of the house. The creature’s laughter (need a space there)
The man replied and , shouting something in a different language , he threw the ball of red fire.
Set off this intermediary clause with commas.
The creature raised his hand and whispered the same thing
At this point, you start using "his" for the creature, whereas previously you referred to "its" features.
He snatched one of the sharp pieced pieces of broken metal
thought excited Malek so much he felt he must might pass out
“And our son shall be called Razalon.”
 She named the kid after the horse?!
Sarah ushered the group from the room , pointing out that Vilix (comma)
“Why else would a demon reveal himself when they have long been forgotten except by the mages. Why try and kill the babies on the day of their birth.”
The first question may be rhetorical, but the second probably needs a mark.
Quietly, she waited, something darker than the night itself began to
Quietly, she waited; something darker than the night itself began to
(or)
Quietly she waited as something darker than the night itself began to
After Sarah drew a couple Runes and pointed, the window flew back together and returned to its former place.
One good way to avoid outright comma splicing is to make sure you insert connective words which define the relationship between the two sentences. Usually it happens near the comma, but as shown above, it can be done earlier.
No one seemed to have heard it shatter , and Sarah returned to her chair
Comma here, otherwise it reads like Sarah sitting is also something no one heard.
something special about the twins. In time she hoped to discover
Malek asked, he did not wish not wishing for the mage to leave
runes of protection on your house ; so long as the children are inside
best course of action for the time being. Worried people often make
I wasn't kidding!  You really do love to run sentences together!
Tomorrow at dawn . I will be back within a month
Period here, or else that dawn will last all month...
Malek and Rydia exchanged glances ; both knew that Sarah alluded
You have helped us more than you know. If there is anything we can do
How could you even say such a thing, you saved my life, help yourself to any provisions you require.
Here are 3 sentences run together. In speech, you can get away with short run-ons, but this is too long. I'll keep one run-on intact so you can see what might be considered acceptable in some instances:
How could you even say such a thing? You saved my life, help yourself to anything.
("provisions you require" is a little formal for this exchange, I thought)
the babies did have magical talent , the stones would
She hoped this would be enough. The medallions were not all-powerful
spoken to the rest of my council. Goodbye my friends.
For one unwisely spoken word
Three months past passed without word from the Mage , (comma) and Malek grew more anxious
The morning before her departure , (comma) news arrived
had she merrily merely guessed that the demons would attack
returned to the mainland in the early spring
Capitalize the season?
I guess I didn't feel too much remorse over the death, because these people are not familiar to me. You have action happen to them, but they aren't characterized and endeared to the reader yet... |
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"feature a guardian angel of some sort"
Good opening line with plenty of action. From there, the plot wanders, though. The ritual thing is intriguing, but then Native Americans make an unexpected entrance, and then there's suddenly a wife? I don't think there are enough dots to connect a straight line to the ending, and so I'm not convinced that Maurice should feel peace.
To tighten the story, paragraph 2's focus on "breath of God" needs to soften. Also, we need to know much earlier that this guy is married and whether his wife is alive or dead. Finally, you ask a bunch of questions in the next-to-last paragraph. You should be answering questions for the reader, not posing them! Readers want satisfaction at the end, not confusion.
3). Rhymes were fine and befitting oral recital as perhaps a campfire ghost story. Not sure why, but there's a bunch of white space after the end of the poem.
