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Review by John Corliss Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
TFly,
This is an interested concept, and I think you should give it some more work. I felt that the narrative asides, if you will, where you say things directly to the reader unrelated to the story detracted from the overall reading experience. The bit about the spy cam, for example just seemed out of place and awkward. Why not just drop it? The narrators voice at the beginning of the story draws you in, wondering who exactly it is. But when it suddenly turns silly it doesn't fit with the tone and flow of the story. Also there are a few places where you suddenly ignore grammar and spelling. I'm not sure if it is for effect, but writing "u" instead of "you" is also out of place in a work that follows grammatical rules and spelling. Cut out some of the narration that isn't related to the story and flesh it out a little more and you may be on to something.
And finally, I would give the final poem a five. It is wonderful. You should post it as a stand-alone poem. It is a work that can stand by itself.
Keep it up,
-John
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