Fun story. I can see it illustrated asa book for children. I would suggest a review of punctuation. The words are excellent, but the punctuation (or lack of) detracts from the wonderful story. Note in the introduction: A band of robber mice steal pumpkins from two young girlsCOMMA who must battle to recover them.
The only typo I saw was towards the end: "Well, the man went back to his pub, still with no name [still nameless might flow better here], but with a better CONSCIENCE, not conscious. Also, don't forget direct address needs to be set off with commas - What do you think, Liam?
I would leave off the last two sentences. They give a soap operaish transition to this lovely, well-written piece and they aren't necessary.
Only a few things flaw this lovely poem. The most damaging is the second line where you use a made-up word. This really takes away from this lovely poem.
Dear Jehovah,
I humbly pray.
I prostrate myself and open
my mind, my heart for the searching of your eyes of love.
Isn't it wonderful that He loves us enough to wash us clean? If we'll just be still!
I like the emotional distance you create between the narrator and the mother and daughter. The scene would have been much improved by the addition of sensory imput: what did you see out the window, "As we passed through the factories that littered the edge of the city, the little girl looked up into her mother's gray eyes and said, "I wish...
Excellent commentary on the role of black's in America's military. I do wonder at the treatment of other racial/ethnic groups not mentioned here. Is the treatment of a soldier of any race, for the most part, based on service, commitment, ability? I think this is true across the board and one of the most amazing things about our military,
Some expansion throughout this essay with more examples [both good and bad] would help bring home the lesson
I enjoyed the rhythm of the stanzas leading up to the chuckle at the end. Nicely done. Brought to mind a creepy great uncle who would force his dentures out of his mouth like a giant toothed tongue. ick!
I also appreciate the consistency of your rhyme scheme.
Maybe grandpa could just keep his teeth in a drawer?
Good imagery.I would rate this higher but for the point of view change in the last stanza. Also remember free verse should draw out a feeling from the reader, never tell the reader what to feel. I have a very early poem, "The Gift," that did quite well and yet almost everyone who read it came away with a different back story.
A good practice for this is free association. Focus on a word or thought and then just write. I had one prof when we did this exercise who would not let us pick up our pens. We couldn't erase and i's stayed undotted, t's uncrossed for the 15 minute free assocation time.
Very funny in places, but it is uneven. Also there seems to be no build-up into more laughs, or a series of laughs. The jokes are stretched. The sight gags are reaching. A rewrite, adding more intensity, more yoks, would be a big improvement. Try to add one joke to each series.
For example the first series could continue
Cockyman: How could you be annoyed by Cockyman? I am the most powerful super hero in Boston!
Man: Too bad we're in Cleveland.
Cockyman: We are?
This has so much potential. The last two paragraphs, however, give the impression of an old-time author who ran out of paper and .. just ended the story. It seems the story builds very nicely to a climax that never arrives. Umbert's complacency could have led to him being the one who burned the building or who find the "voice" who lays them off and ... silences it.
Hooray for the success! I'm struggling with the same thing. A lifetime of bad eating habits cannot be broken in one day. I love the image of the cat with the remote control, possibly clutching a bag of Mowsechips. I know mine like Cheetos!
One typo -- "the weight loss leader changed several tines"
Helped me buck up to the exercise I need to do right now!
I found this poem very powerful. The rhythms are consistent and moving. There's something very Hamletish (Hamletesque?) about this. I sense your anguish without it being spelled out. Something good poetry does and you do here very effectively. Keep writing!
A good reminder of the ideal review. The importance to the reviewer of reviewing is often forgotten. I know I cherish those reviews I've gotten which actually look at my writing and seem to care about helping me improve.
The others? Well, I discovered we can delete them from our portfolio --so there!
Cute, funny and actually helpful. I have said more than once, the Kindness of Strangers is what makes Writing.com work.
I love the way you incorporate a story into the introduction. It is epecially nice that you accurately demonstrate how some things are done on site. Good job!
This has a wonderful charming touch. There are a few confusing poiints. One is when she actually buys the earrings for her daughter, she puts "Happy Birthday" on the card, but yet she's shopping for Mother's Day?
Also, when you remember the gift in the past, maybe discuss the first time it happened.
I hope the PTB (Powers that Be) review the results of this poll. I am frustrated by the lack of reciprocation. I've tried paying with points, but don't have a huge amount to pay a lot. I try to give an honest, but encouraging review and I even indicated that I was working on a deadline on one story. Got some good feedback, but much less than I'd hoped!
The thematic line throughout the poem is very strong. I can almost hear the anthems ringing and the flags snapping at the beginning.
I am impressed with the consistency and quality of the majority of your rhymes. Only one or two are stretched and obvious. Most seem to fall naturally [and oh, how hard that is].
Delightful delicious. Lovely convoluted plot. Irony, Satire. Mystery. Everything's here. It goes a little slow at first. I'm not sure you need all that time with Mattie. I almost wish it started with the conversation at the bar with Hank. We do need the stuff about the (w)itch of Wall Street. This is lovely. Let me know where you send it. I'll be rooting to see it in print!
Coop's love for his craft and his instrument come through nicely. There are, however, several minor typos throughout that detract from the flow, For example, in the last sentence, another comma is needed after another and an apostrophe is needed in world's.
But then, maybe you left them in not to be discouraging to us mere mortals!
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