I found this on Read & Review. At first, when I read this I thought to myself: "What?" Then I read your description of this piece and, oddly enough, I think it is a perfect, yet terrible summary of what this piece is.
First of all, I find it interesting that you decided to write "the saddest, shortest, and worst story," and wonder how you came upon this decision.
Despite the description, this story did elicit feelings from me. I was sad for the barnacle. I was disgusted with all other characters for what, I interpreted, as a mistreatment of him. Face value, it expresses a message you wouldn't typically want to impose upon people: that being ugly is simply not okay. However, you can say that this story is bringing light to issues within our society by mocking them. If this story were a person, I imagine it would do everything “ironically.”
I didn’t catch any spelling or grammatical errors.
Not sure what type of review you expected for this piece, but I hope you appreciate this one!
I found this poem on the Please Review page. Please take from this review what you want, and discard what you don't, but I hope it helps.
I found this interesting. My favorite line was: "your weakest can flourish."
I only have a few recommendations:
- I've used the exclamation/question mark combo before and was told that should never be done.
- I would change "then upon more vastness." I think you can enrich this line by using a different description (unless you used repetition here for effect).
Just a suggestion, of course it's up to you whether or not to take it. I think this line "On many a day, despite how we all wish." may flow better if, instead of "how we all wish", it read "how well we wish."
Maybe it's because I'm not a fisherman myself (despite my father's many attempts), but I didn't understand the last part: "flinching of gourds..." If it's a fishing term that you don't mind if non-fishers don't understand, I'd keep it. Otherwise, I wonder if there is another way to say what you're saying?
I thought this poem showed the fun that people can find in fishing, even if they don't catch anything. I remember this one time when my grandfather was fishing and he couldn't catch anything, but I tied a hook and line to the end of a stick and caught about five fish in as many minutes. It must have drove him nuts!
I didn't see any punctuation or spelling errors. Well done!
I think this can be interpreted differently depending on the reader and his/her experience. On the one hand, it could be a lonely someone wishing for companionship; a person missing a loved one who has, perhaps, passed away; or someone who is annoyed at being stood up again.
I like poems like this because it allows the reader some freedom of interpretation (I hope you don't mind that).
I thought this was an interesting, thought-provoking poem. The rhyming scheme is consistent and the rhythm flows well. The only recommendation I can make is the capitalization and punctuation. You seem to have started writing this in sentence form. I would recommend putting a comma after "dark" (third stanza, third line). Other than that, I think this looks good! Best of luck!
I found this on the Please Review page. I will offer any suggestions I have, but please only take what you want from them.
This was very well written, from beginning to end. I love the voice. It is almost poetic. I did not catch any spelling errors. I believe there was only one grammatical error but, in this case, it depends on how you want the line to read...is an "a" missing between aboard and ship here: "They put him aboard ship"
Other than that, I thought this was very well done. I felt almost whiplashed by how this man was treated. The story moves very quickly, though I am sure it felt like ages to him. The ending arrives abruptly. I do think this is good, however. It shows how this man was basically nothing more than a play thing to the men who took him.
I found this on the Please Review page. I will offer any suggestions I think will help, but please take only what you want from it.
I wonder why you started out in third person and switched to first. Is the first section going to be a prologue? I would either pick one, or separate them. In case you're on the fence about what to use, I will say that, in this case, I preferred first person. However, this will make showing other actions more difficult (for example, if you wanted to switch over to show what the enemy is doing).
A few things left me curious and I would read more to get answers. Those are:
- Why would she tell an opposing army how to get in to her own village?
- What is the creature/man that helps her in the end?
The description was a bit deceiving, unless I missed something. It says "It is time to decide," but she wasn't faced with a distinct decision in the piece I read.
I found this on the Please Review page. I'll make what suggestions I can, but please take only the ones you want.
Wow, LOVE this. Such a pleasure to read from start to finish. When I first saw the layout of the stanzas, I thought it was unnecessary. HOWEVER, the movement gave the poem more life and gives it a feel as if the pair of friends is traveling around and almost dancing together. I especially like that the pattern (middle, right, middle, left) of how the stanzas are placed is almost perfect, but not quite. It brings some playfulness into it.
Because you used commas and periods in some places, I'd suggest carrying that throughout the rest of the poem. As I looked back over the poem, I thought there might be some periods missing.
I didn't see any spelling errors.
My favorite part was the first stanza. They had me hooked right away. It reminded me of the song: All I Want Is You (one version is by Tristan Prettyman).
I found this on the Please Review page. I will preface with saying I haven't sent many query letters, and none of the ones I have sent have been successful.
I thought this was short and sweet, which I hear is good because agents don't want lengthy letters. The letter starts off strong. You are writing to a specific person, which is good. Nelson is a fairly common name, but I'd double-check to ensure it's spelled right. It was really good that you mentioned a specific piece that this agent worked on. If it is similar to your story in any way, I'd mention that as well.
In the "On a humid night" paragraph, you write "Earlier than night" instead of "Earlier that night." This is the only grammatical error I caught, but I'd read through again just in case.
The "On a humid night" paragraph a bit confusing. It seems to jump back and forth in time. You talk about the night of the crash and the chaos that follows. Then you talk about Dalonn dealing with a man "later that night." I would assume that it would take more than one day for the banks and stores to close and for riots to break out, though I could be wrong on that. If I'm right, though, "Earlier that night" doesn't fit. From there you talk about Dalonn surviving as time passes, then bring it back to the man from his mother's past again. I think it might help to remove the "Earlier that night" sentence; maybe mention in just a few words what Dalonn faces as time passes (does he have to relocate at that point? what are they doing for food and protection?); then talk about the man from his mother's past.
You say the man from Dalonn's mother's past wants his money. Within the letter itself, I found that confusing because we don't know why she owes him money in the first place.
I always want to leave mystery in my query letters, but I remember reading at one point that you don't need to hide anything from the agent you're writing to. They want to know the ending. I can't remember where I read this, but I know it was found while I was researching how to write a query letter. Just a thought incase you want to look into that.
It's good that you talk about the length of the story. I also liked that you talked about your accomplishments (congrats, by the way). I did think the last sentence was awkward. I'm not sure how relevant it I that you live with your family in MI.
Good idea to post this here. Query letters are almost harder than the story itself! Best of luck!
I found this poem on the Please Review page. I was instantly intrigued when I saw the title as Uninspired Muse. I love the irony in the title alone. As I read the poem, I felt how I can relate. You see your muse walking out the door and I feel like mine just left me in a pool, treading water, fishing for the right words. This poem seems almost like a love story, like a struggling marriage.
I thought the poem had a good rhythm overall. I had some trouble following the rhyming scheme of the second and third stanzas. Though this did not distract from the reading.
The ending leaves me wondering if the muse will give up and leave or if they will stay together and work it out. I think each reader would react to this differently. Some may want to know exactly what the final decision is, to get full closer. On the other hand, other readers, like me, are okay with an ending being left up to the reader's imagination. I think that also instills a sense of hope in the reader.
Overall I thought this was done well. I didn't catch any grammatical or spelling errors. I liked that you wrote this in sentence form. This made it feel more personal and interactive.
I found this on the Please Review page. I thought this was really creative and fun. I already enjoy the relationship between Alex and Behemouth and wonder what this story would turn into as a novella or novel. I didn't catch any glaring spelling or grammatical errors. I listed some likes and suggestions below. I hope they help!
Likes:
I like this. I often forget to "show and not tell" in my writing, something I'm working on. I think you do a good job of "showing" here:: "Her eyes watered, but she resisted the urge to cough."
I laughed at this. I never thought about drinking this way before, but it's a good point!:: "You are the only species that intentionally makes itself less intelligent for fun."
LOVED this part. I laughed out loud. It reminds me of the banter that a friend of mine and I often have.:: "And I shall name you Fluffy.’ ‘I already have a name,’ Alex said. ‘It’s Alex.’ ‘And now it is Fluffy."
Suggestions:
I think "a fortress of scales might stand better as it's own sentence:: "...towered over her, a fortress of scales..."
Should "from" be added to this sentence?:: "But it stops them stealing from me." and "There are other ways to stop people stealing from you."
I think "Best she didn't do anything rash about-" could stand to be it's own sentence:: "...alcohol more than anything, so best she didn’t do anything rash..."
General Comments:
I thought for sure Alex wasn't going to live long after she said this. Although, that would have been an awful short story.:: "you could be my pet"
This part made me feel almost sad for the dragon. I always take those feelings as a sign that I'm invested in the story.:: "You may go, if it pleases you"
Saw your email and also saw that you posted this on Please Review. I hope I can make some suggestions that you find helpful. Please take what you want and leave the rest!
In the first paragraph, should this sentence have a lowercase "a":: called him A hero!
I think it's spelled "story", but I'm not sure. You might want to double-check:: twenty-one-storey
I liked this description :: clicked softly when tread upon
Maybe reword this to make it more descriptive :: the size of the room was hardly noticeable, due to all the guests in it
For example (and I'm just making some stuff up here): so many guests danced and talked that the room seemed far smaller and less grand than it truly was.
Love this :: Truman’s alcoholic ears heard the chiming of glasses clinking
I don't think there is a "u" here :: neighbourhood
Does this story take place in a mix of medieval and modern times? I think that is a very interesting concept. Reminds me a bit of A Knight's Tale, though mostly only had modern music. Still, I like it.
Gross!!! But I think it's a good sign that I cringed. I love hearing the types of reaction and the feelings people feel when they read my writing. :: sickening crunch of bones breaking
So creepy. I think if the creature said anything more in this moment, it wouldn't be as effective :: “Die,” said the creature
I think this sentence, especially being the close of the chapter, would have a more powerful effect if reworded and dramatized :: And he was so scared to die.
For example (again, throwing things in and making stuff up): But he remained in place, immobilized by the fear of death.
I'm going to be honest in my feedback because I think it will help you and honest feedback has always been the most helpful to me in my works. Please take or leave my comments as you choose. After all, this is your story, not mine!
My first thoughts are:
- Poor Eena when her date doesn't show, and
- I am having trouble figuring out what time period this is taking place it?
I'm not the best at grammar and punctuation, but I didn't catch any of those errors so you may have already worked those out in previous edits.
My suggestions:
- Make it clear what time period we're in. Everything besides the two brothers, Diego and Truman, and Eena's letter sound like medieval times full of kings and magic and what have you, but those other things sound like the present. I would suggest adding more detail so that the reader knows what sort of scene to picture. A mix of then and now would be interesting, but I would make it a bit more clear, even if it is done in the coming chapters.
- I would make it longer, give more information about the characters maybe? Or add some exciting foreshadowing. As it is right now, I don't care about the characters and that's important to keep the reader reading.
- Work on paragraph spacing. I know it can be hard getting that under control here. Heck, I don't even italicize in any novels I post because it's such a pain. So, if you don't do it here, I would definitely consider making sure your paragraphs make sense before you publish online.
- Describe the sylph more. Is it like a fairy? I'm not familiar with that creature, so I looked it up before I got into the story. A description would help me visualize that character. One thing I'd mention is her size. I assumed that she would be small, but since the arrow pierced her throat, I'm wondering if it was a tiny arrow or if it was a big one and should have just chopped her head off entirely (sorry for that image).
I hope that helps! If you need any advice on self-publishing, I'm not an expert but I'd be happy to help. You can see what I've done at my website: Jennifer_rowlands.com. I'm currently using smashwords.com and amazon.com. (Be aware amazon is a big pain in the you know what, but it has a big audience).
I like this first chapter. I find the idea of a boring man leaving his comfort zone in every sense to be intriguing.
A few notes for improvement:
The first sentence is quite long. I think i know what you wrote it that way because i tend to do that myself, but it is a mouthful. I've found these sentences can be just as good broken up, but that's up to you as the author.
There are a few errors. Here is one example:
Should ", but it mine." Be "but it is mine."
Thanks for the good read! Is be interested in reading more.
I am very interested in reading more and do hope you turn this into a novel! I do have a few suggestions, take them if you'd like.
Personal preference only, I would change "Ten people down his pointing finger rested on a guy my age's head." to "Ten people down, his pointing finger rested on the head of a guy my age."
A few things here may need to be changed, though I'm not sure what. "MISSION: ATTAIN INFORMATION ON FROM SUSPECTED SPY'S." This may depend on what your, as the author, are trying to accomplish here.
I think, "attain" should be "obtain" if you mean to get something. And you may need to pick "on" or "from" but not both, or state that they need either or. And "spy's" should be "spies."
Please let me know if you post your novel here as you write it. I'd really like to read more!
How very sweet. I love how you drew the lesson out of the many Robin Williams characters, even when the lesson wasn't all that obvious. This is a very nice tribute to a very great person who will be missed by so many.
Not sure if it must be said here, but I didn't see any typos of any kind. My apologies if that's something you were looking for, I may have overlooked this because I was so drawn in by the words!
Thanks for requesting a review from me. I'll offer my opinion, which is strictly mine. I hope you find it helpful.
First Impressions:
When I first started reading, I could immediately feel the urgency the little girl felt. The repetition and long sentences built this feeling and made it stronger.
As I read on:
The sense of urgency never weakens. I found myself wanting to know where this girl really was. Is she truly in the belly of some beast? Or is it a metaphor for the pain she is facing emotionally or psychologically? Is she in a psych ward? And how could a little girl have ended up this way?
Suggestions:
I believe "to" should be "too" here: "to foul to reflect."
Overall:
I will be honest and say that this isn't the type of story I typically read or am drawn to. That being said, I think this is really good for the audience you are most likely targeting. For me, I found myself longing for answers-in particular to the questions I asked above. I also wanted the story to move forward. It seems that this girl was trapped in a level of Dante's Inferno where time will not relieve her of the pains she faces. This may have been your intent, so please keep in mind that these are just my thoughts!
When I married my husband, he came with a cat who we dubbed "The Cat From Hell." With that experience and being a mother, I can totally relate to the frustration the mother in this story must have felt! Still, I found myself laughing at the mischief the cat caused. My favorite part was the end when the cat thought to himself what a wonderful party it was. Not sure if this was your intention, but it makes you consider that everyone has a different perspective.
Just a little introduction of myself. I do enjoy writing and reading poetry, but I am certainly no expert. I will offer my opinion in the hopes that you find it helpful.
I enjoyed this piece. I liked the idea behind this poem, it is important and thoughtful and timeless.
I did find it a bit clunky to read, which was distracting. The first three lines of the first stanza had a nice rhythm that seemed to be lost on the rest of the poem. This may have been intentional as I know not all poems need to have a rhyme or rhythm. However, in this case, I think making it easier to read would make it more memorable, and it should be due to the weight of the message.
Oh my goodness, this was so sweet. At first, I expected a straightforward lecture on relaxation, but when you began to describe the house with it's tin roof and in it's quiet little town, I saw that there was much more to the story. The imagery is fantastic, I could imagine the house and the barn and all of the surroundings. As you went on to discuss the impressions we may or may not leave during our lives, I was reminded of someone I work indirectly with. He is an older gentleman who works in the cafeteria for our building. It doesn't matter when you see him, he always offers a smile and asks how your day is going and wishes you the very best. I know his name and little more, but without him the day simply wouldn't be as bright. I did have a reaction to your story that even surprised me. The entire time you were talking about your aunt, I assumed that she was no longer with you. And yet, when I reached the end and you actually said that she had passed, I almost cried. A very touching story. I didn't see any errors that I can bring to your attention. Well done!
Oooo, this is creepy. Gave me the shivers when I read the last line. I'm assuming that was the effect you were going for? This does seem like a very overpowering devil on one's shoulder. At first, it reminded me of a song "Trouble is a Friend" by Lenka. But, as it went on, I began to get the feeling that this dark evil was more than just trouble. I don't have any suggestions other than to add a space between the last two lines. Great job!
This was an interesting story. I am concerned about the people Jake was talking with, they all seem a little shifty to me. I keep wondering if Sam made himself appear more successful than he actually was. I also wonder whether the person Jake met on the street was planning to invest for him, or if he was just planning to take the money and run.
Suggestions:
I think this needs some work with punctuation and such. A few examples:
- Add a space here: "still young,just"
- I think you may need to reverse "just" and "was" here: "hotel but it just was too"
When Sam and Jake are talking, I would include WHO is talking every once in a while. It got confusing at times.
From the title and description, I didn't know what to expect, but they both drew me in. I was so terrified for Toby the entire time and couldn't understand why his parents were sleeping! This actually reminded me of "The Book Thief" when the town had to hide in the basements. I kept wanting Toby to go there. I was so relieved to find out what it actually was! Poor little guy! You did a good job at maintaining the suspense. The fact that he was sleeping on the couch had me thinking they would have to leave at any moment, so that was one of the lines that made the story a bit more intense. Great job!
This is a very touching story. I would read it again. I love that the Grandfather and child emphasize the GOOD within Noah, rather than focusing on how he is different. Even in today's world, so many people--no matter their background or location--are so quick to judge someone who is different. Unfortunately, this can start very young (bullying). I think we so often forget how important being different really is. Noah wasn't able to walk, but to hear how that didn't stop him and to see how inspiring he can be in his community or to people passing through is amazing.
The only suggestion I have is to add the comma and quotation mark here: "Bloom where you are planted by Mary Engelbreit.
First of all, I loved the description that you gave to this piece. Immediately, I found it interesting and I wanted to know what was in that box. You were able to show Amelia's love and longing for Jake throughout the story. I was surprised that Nicholas wasn't there, since that wasn't mentioned until the end. It made me wonder why he's not there (i.e., can she not handle him? how is their mother/son relationship?). That may be a good thing to express when she is in his room.
Suggestions:
In the first paragraph, I believe "Iron Gate" should not be capitalized. I run into that with a novel I'm writing as well.
In paragraph five, you used "decide" twice. I would recommend rewriting this sentence or replacing one of those.
I'm not great with punctuation, but I think many sentences ran on either too long, or without the proper punctuation. For example: She continued to sift through the jewelry boxes and when nothing in there was able to open the mysterious box, she decided to check the safe to make sure she wasn't missing anything and sure enough she had.
Overall, I think this is a good story. I hope Amelia and Nicholas are able to live the life Jake hoped they would!
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