Oh, I have so many questions, which I would say might be the goal of this poem. It skirts the story nicely, telling just enough that you want to know more. Is she human, a mermaid? What kind of technology is she using? Clockwork? Copper? Robot? I am so intrigued! The idea that I get from this poem is a great one with so many possibilities.
The poem reflects the action it portrays well, and your prose is clear and rolls of the tongue.
What can I say? It is easy to see why you won a prize, though I'm surprised it wasn't first. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece - you have a true gift. It is rare to find work that both invokes and inspires. I so look forward to reading more of your work.
What an inspired idea - you've got whimsical creativity well pegged. Your message is clear and very easy to relate to; we've all struggled with our muses from time to time. Your use of imagery is beautiful, I especially liked the "twilight's blue" comment - so vivid! A few notes: some of the rhyming seems a bit forced, which limits the flow and makes the cadence awkward at times. One suggestion would be to either forgo the rhyme or perhaps alter the rhythm to a free flow style to better accommodate the rhyme, which could then be less restricting. You are off to a wonderful start!
Points for originality, cadence and imagery. The innocence of the first stanza is perfectly juxtaposed to the last's shredding of it. It is jarring in its violence, which one could take as part of the experience, as it takes you on the journey. The disillusionment of the young men is palpable, the betrayal of the false promises of glory is keenly felt.
Chapter 1 Excerpt: The flow is good, and the imagery descriptive. One can see and even feel the elevator speeding upward, wind whipping around. The idea is unique and creatively approached; it is an intriguing concept. The conversation between Arjun and Torre is a bit awkward, and perhaps that was intentional. The part where Arjun has a sudden impression of Torre jumping from the lift was a little confusing in its intensity; it didn't seem to flow with the previously generated mood of tolerant irritation and annoyance. Overall, it left me seeking more, the scene a the end a great hook to keep you on until the next chapter.
Chapter 2 Excerpt: Again, a palpable mood is built with the words of a man (machine?) who is confronted with having to tolerate an annoying situation. The sudden violence was, again, a bit confusing and inconsistent with the rest of the scene from the perspective of mood and flow, but was very descriptive and easy to follow.The narrative is smooth, and the story grabs you. While the excerpts were short, you start to get a feel of who the characters are, which is a testament to the skill employed.
Overall, well-written, clear imagery, and other than the two bumps I mentioned, the mood is easy to relate to and follow. Well done!
The narrative flows, and the scene is gripping, drawing you into the character's anxiety. As you read, the voice becomes audible in your head - which makes it more real. Perhaps making it a bit longer, and putting in some more details, though I suspect it is vague and succinct for a purpose that remains to be seen. The character is likable and easy to identify with, though we aren't sure what he is up to yet. It was easy to root for him though! Great descriptive prose!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jloranestes
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:47pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "