Wow. This is a very good story. I've tried to write from the perspective of a man who's on the edge and goes down some dark paths, and I know how much of a challenge it is. I wouldn't change the plot, or the general sequence of events at all, but there are a few places where, if you expand a little more, could make this a truly overwhelming piece.
One thing that can go a long way in helping us to understand Bennett's breakdown would be more expansion on the relationship with his mother. Rather than telling us about her overwhelmingly religious nature, and how that passed on to her son, it would be much better to SHOW us that. Add in a scene, a flashback, a reminicing of some sort, so we can get some atmosphere on what it was like to grow up with her. A church scene. A scene where she tells her son how he has been bad, or what not to do.
"This lifestyle," as you refer to it, is driving the man crazy, but we have to take your word for it. We get that he's lost it, but we don't know why. It makes us disattached from his plight. Again, a couple of scenes illustrating his gradual breakdown are key.
Affecting as it is, the killing of his family could make giant leaps. By showing us with them more. I can't imagine the family because our only introduction to them is through dialogue, with no description. If we can SEE the characeters, especially how they act around each other, other than through speech, we will be tha much more devastated by the ending.
The piece is pretty short (5 pages on my printer). Don't be afraid to go nuts with making it longer (obviously don't overdo it). Everything happens so quickly here, and that's part of the shock value of the ending. Because it gets there so fast. I feel like this type of subject needs to be more drawn out. The points I mentioned aove may get you to pace yourself more and dig deeper into the characters and how they change. We want to sympathize with Bennett, and by letting us connect more with him, his fate will be truly real.
On a more stylistic note, there was some phrasing and word choices that did not sit well with me:
"ruled over him with an iron fist" is cliche. Stay away from it. (A mentor of mine once said that cliches only serve to insult your own writing. You are too good for them.) Same with "Bennett just like to have everything a certain way, and that was that."
The use of the word "heathen" bothered me. It didn't seem to fit, mostly because most people don't use it in a serious context. BUT, if we had a better idea of Bennett's relationship with mom, maybe it would fit better.
"Happy Birthday, lover." Very soap-opera-y.
All that being said, there is ENORMOUS potential in this piece, and I hope you can tweak it to get it there. I'd like to read it again when you do. Don't be afraid to delve deeper.
Good job, and keep at it! |
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