Great points. I'd love for you to expand this and go deeper. I think the way campaigns in this country are offensive, let alone a huge waste of resources. Why should money play any role in how we elect our leaders. I think we should have strict rules about campaigns and how they are conducted. I also think they should be much shorter. Why are people in office giving up many months if not years to interview for their jobs. All that comes out of the current system is a series of soundbites. We learn very little about the people running and their leadership qualities. At best we can latch onto two or three issues that a candidate agrees or disagrees with us on and most people run with that. That's a horrible way to elect a leader, especially one who deals with as many unexpected situations as a president. This will be an interesting election, and I sit with quite a bit of anxiety about our country as I wait for the next few years to take shape.
This is a powerful format and inspires a good degree of self-reflection in the reader, as clearly you have reflected on your own existence. I wonder why these questions exist for you. I don't learn enough about your situation to know if these are musings, manifested frustrations, responses to failure, humility in the face of success, etc. I also wonder what your answers would be to some of these questions, or what answers you have deduced from your reflections. I like the questioning format, but I think it's the start of something larger. Perhaps there is content and meaning that can be interspersed in the piece, or the piece could evolve into another form. The questions asked are relevant for all, but I wonder where you are that you feel compelled to analyze how you got there. Just seeing how many thoughts of my own this poem inspired, I must say that you have written an effective piece, and I hope to read more of your work. Please feel free to comment on any of my work as well. Keep writing.
Emotional for sure! You've got a lot going on here - most importantly passion, voice, and tension. Do you plan on making this into a longer piece? It's a fantastic snapshot, and from just 300 words I feel angry, helpless, frustrated, outraged. There is much here to expand upon. This girl has a story to tell and I think you need to let her do it. Keep writing. This is a great piece.
Great ending. Before that I thought the humor was lacking (not that you need humor, but it was one of your key words), but at the end I could see myself, as well as you and your husband laughing at the situation and sharing a sense of relief.
I'm wondering (not judging, I promise) where the inspiration for this story came from, being that are a teacher. Perhaps you are an expert at finding ways to compliment and encourage developing writers, yet you still felt the tension of feeling insincere to your husband. Perhaps you find the struggle to be encouraging toward struggling students draining? Maybe you find yourself or someone you know pushing people toward activities for personal gain, not for the good of the pushee. Of course, it is likely that this is just a creative piece, perhaps general commentary, and I am wrong to infer anything at all. However, I find that to be a fun part of reading strangers' work. I promise, I make no assumptions or pass personal judgments.
I did find one part unclear. When you say that you and your husband were e-mailing stories back and forth, it sounded to me like he was already writing. You had just begged him to write, and now you say it was going great. Other than that I felt the story flowed well, the dialogue was appropriate and efficient, and the topic was one that many readers can relate to.
I enjoyed reading this piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you for posting this, and thanks again for your review of my work.
Slightly disturbing, but a good story. Haha. I knew something was up because of how many times he questioned his decision to call the police. Why would he be so unsure of that decision? And why hadn't he gone looking for her at the store? The story really turned when you mentioned that he had laid the bowls out that afternoon, and it seemed infeasible that he would go down to the basement. However, until he got to the freezer, I wasn't expecting to find the body in the house. I like the references to time and the number of cell phone calls. Those are good details to paint your picture. You have a couple of small errors, like not capitalizing "TV" and not writing out numbers below 10, that can be distracting, especially if you are writing in competitions. However, these are likely the products of an unfinished draft, and this story has a lot of potential. Thank you for posting it. I look forward to reading more of your work. Please feel free to check out my portfolio and let me know what you think. Happy writing!
I liked reading this story. It's very creative and inventive. I would like to see Spit in action more to develop his villainous side. The grandfather seems to be bitter and crochety, but has Spit done something more to offend him than leave the clan for a human lifestyle?
I like the little details like the description of Phil as "pompous, selfish, and disgusting" and "it's a family name." However, it's not clear until the fourth paragraph that Phil and the narrator are related. Could you make that clear at the open? Is there a reason you didn't want to? Just a thought. You have several spelling and sentence errors that I assume are careless mistakes in an unfinished draft. Let me know if you want me to be more specific, but I don't mean to be critical.
I look forward to reading more of your work. This piece is a lot of fun.
I like number two the best. That's a great point that I haven't thought of. I'm a big fan of what I call "smart funny," and I think this qualifies. Number three sounds like a bit of denial? Don't worry. I'm in the same boat. I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Are you a student? Or was number four just a clever remark?
Wow, this is a really neat idea. You seem to suggest that these hockey players, grinding it out in barns to empty you can hear the echo of a leg pad save, are being watched and admired by those who can no longer watch or play. This is so interesting to me because I am a referee, but I usually do not work adult league games because they are late at night, usually boring, and I have a hard time getting excited about them. You cast the games in a different light and illustrate why they are meaningful. Well done. I have rarely "heard the cheers" before, but I love your poem.
This is a really cool poem and I love the topic. It's uplifting and provocative. I also think that it sends two really valuable messages: Hope is a rock in our lives that we must always return to and poems don't have to rhyme.
I think you have room to expand some of the imagery, particularly the road with the "dead-end" sign. What happens to your heart, your breathing, your "hope" when you see that sign? How do you get back to the sunshine? Also, you have a bit of a paradox in the second stanza where you say "Hope is a given" and then "It can be hard to find." I think you mean that it is always there to be found, even when we seem to have given up on it, but it made me pause and wonder when I read it.
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