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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jjrobinson2
Review Requests: OFF
19 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Offering criticism to be helpful, not for its own sake. Will give you my first impression. Will assess overall readability, enjoyability of your work. Will review general composition, construction issues. Will point out a reasonable number of issues with grammar, spelling, word choice. You should have proofread your work before asking for reviews in any case. I only vaguely remember how to analyze poetry. I did read Virgil in Latin once, possibly Homer, and some Shakespeare, Pope, Poe, and others, but that was a lifetime ago.
I'm good at...
Prefer short stories <=2000 words. Will go to ~<=4000 words if something holds my interest. Will look at 1-2 chapters of longer works at a time.
Favorite Genres
Science fiction, adventure, history, Christian faith.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, other template-driven fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
I will not review...
Erotica of any kind, LGTBQetc, "woke" politics.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a very brief glimpse of a story. Interesting premise, but hard to piece together what might be going on. About the comps--have only seen the original Blade Runner, so can't tell how much if anything the story derives from the movies.

The main character is a genius with computers and hardware. He casually dismisses a woman, then uses some hardware to apparently conjure a virtual woman(?). The virtual woman seems jealous of his other encounter. He's also "optimizing" something else on the computer. He has developed something extraordinary, but isn't going to let anyone else see it. The virtual woman has a question, which he won't answer, and we are not told what the question is.

More technically:

Story uses a present tense narrative, which may work, or might complicate the narration. Can it be sustained in the longer story? Will some editors and readers find it irritating?

"There are screens and computers are its decorations." is confusing, or has an extra "are"?

"He sits and picks up a slender, but oddly pieced together one-lense monocle."
Slender in what dimension. "One-lens(e)" and "monocle" are redundant. He closes it, then it's unclear what it was mentioned for. Is it the hardware used later?

He puts hardware--an "extraordinary device"--on his head that needs to harshly insert a needle into him to work. Does this hardware produce the virtual woman he's talking to? He is also "optimizing" something from a traditional keyboard. Don't know how the two are related.

""It's for me. A secret for 1" he raises a finger."
Missing some punctuation.

Anyway, hope this helps.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Shard  Open in new Window.
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story conveyed a constant sense of fear and desperation. The character fights back, flees, in spite of danger and injury. Looks like the flash format prevents a complete resolution, so we have to use our imaginations.

A couple of technical issues:

Footsteps crunch the broken glass, >then< she hears the window breaking?

Might be good to split paragraph two at the change of topic.

How tall is she? How tall and powerful is the attacker? Would she stab at his throat?

Probably need to rephrase, "bursting her body through the windowpane". "Hurled", or something else?

Enjoyed the story. Hope this helps.
3
3
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Please reconsider exposing children to this claptrap.
4
4
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This story is a different "angle" on the fantasy genre. We have a would-be mage who often loses control of his destructive powers. His friend tries to help him find out how to control his powers. They explore ruins from the "Senke Era", hoping to find clues. At the end, a malevolent entity attacks to obtain an artifact they've found, and the protagonist loses control of his powers. The violent release of electrical energy apparently kills his friend. We don't learn what happens to the artifact, or the entity afterward.

As I'm learning with my own work, rewrites are part of the discipline. I hope my suggestions are helpful:

My overall feeling about the story:
This is a rather long story. To be honest, I sometimes had trouble concentrating on it, rather than skimming details. There is a lot of repetitive explanation of how fascinating the Senke Era is, and how much Kael hopes the contents of the ruins will help him learn to control his powers. This is interspersed at somewhat irregular intervals with action, and things that showthe potential of the books and artifacts.

Grammar and most sentence composition are good, although there are a few problems. My suggestions aren't exhaustive, and you may find other examples.

You may want to recheck and revise some metaphors and descriptions.

"…like jagged teeth…"
"…clung to his lungs…"
"…stout and shallow breaths…"

"…The electricity excited for release…" Doesn't really have a verb.

"…Jace urge, his excitement contagious…" Should rephrase this. There are a number of these distracting dependent phrases in the story.

An action problem:
"Kael," Jace called out suddenly, snapping him from his reverie. "You need to see this." Then Jace looks at some more book bindings.

Again, I hope this helps.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story! It's an original arrangement, although the elements of the genre are familiar; dragons, technos, and the various races are here. Lots of fight choreography, banter.

I am wondering why the elf didn't pick up the scent of the troll?

There are a couple of sentences that seem to run on a bit, and might be better as multiple sentences. There are some places where fewer words might work better. Check paragraphs, especially when a different character speaks.

There are a few things that could work a little better; mostly some composition, grammar, and style issues.

para 3: Maybe "people" should be "humans" or something?

para 4: Sentence fragments, but maybe a question of style for this.
"…peoples advanced senses…" => "…peoples'…"

Hope this helps.
6
6
Review of The Witness  Open in new Window.
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I understand that "flash fiction" is expected to be a bit sketchy on details, but I really don't understand what's happening here. Not really a firearms expert, either.

"The Glock" is identical with the ".45"? Is "the sound of a Glock loading its chamber" accurate?

Composition and grammar are good, though.

Not sure about the physics of paragraph three. It's dramatic, but not necessarily accurate, from what I've heard.

What was she going to do about the second body?



7
7
Review of Life and Death  Open in new Window.
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall impression, setting aside any differences of opinion about the philosophy--I'm not getting the life-death-baseball metaphor. I think you intend to say that life and death are in the same game, if not the same team. The logic is muddled.

Most of the composition and grammar are good. You have left a number of sentence fragments, which probably don't help the readability of non-fiction.

Para 1: "Semantics"? Not sure how this fits with the use of a metaphor.
Para 3: Suggest: "nothing left" "metaphorically"?
Para 6: Idea of simplification seems to be going somewhere, but the metaphor doesn't seem to implement it.
Para 7 and later: Sentence fragments. Maybe connect with em-dash? ";"?

Hope this helps.
8
8
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Grammar and composition look good.

The sort of organic metaphor of the factory is good.

There seems to be a change in point of view after the second paragraph, which is confusing.

Passage of fifty years in the last two paragraphs? A little obscure.

A couple of phrases also seem confusing:
"Some people kill in sequence."
"…you were the only witness of my conscience."
"Now, rarely, even you are fading away." Is "rarely" the right word for this?

Hope this helps.
9
9
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very helpful guide to analyzing poetry, which I'll need to bookmark. I'm finding a lot of poems in the random review list, and I've been struggling to remember how this works. Read the standard Latin poetry from Virgil et al., and Shakespeare, Pope, Poe, and others, but that was in college. It's scholarly, so comments on grammar or composition seem pointless.
10
10
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Amusing story. I half-expected some kind of dream sequence, but this was a more enjoyable ending.

Grammar and composition mostly look good for casual story-telling.

L1: Words whispered should be in quotes. Several other places are missing one or both quotations. Probably should use double quotation marks.

L3: "Well" doesn't add anything here. Also see later example.

Hope this helps.
11
11
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Title: Thieve would be a verb. Thieves is plural. I think you want "Thief's".

Interesting story idea, but you give it away in the first paragraph.

You seem to be changing POV with each paragraph, which makes this very hard to read.

Word choice: "Patina"? "Little cleaty things"?

Ideas in sentences are often fragmented, which disrupts the flow of the story.

Review your grammar carefully--many problems, including sentence fragments where they don't really contribute to atmosphere.

12
12
Review of Endless Ripples  Open in new Window.
Review by JJ Robinson II Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Just a few suggestions--hope they're helpful and constructive. That's my intent.

I don't have a strong feeling about the overall point the poem is supposed to make. My own point of view may just be too different to engage it properly.

Without remembering how to diagram these things, I feel like the meter is off--usually in the last line of each stanza.

Word choice is a little pedestrian in some places, "gym" and "blueprint". Paint the Sistine Chapel, or paint the living room.
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