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Review of Bad Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Richard Vance Author Icon! After reading "Bad Dream" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

What a series of misfortunes! Knowing from the beginning it was just a dream lessened the impact some but it was still very unlucky for your fellow. I was wondering why he couldn't get up with only a broken arm, but I figured he was under a lot of stress. The fire alarm should get the help he needed, I suspect.

*Check1*What I liked:

Even after everything he 'dreamed' about, the true relief was that it was his day off!

Your story was easy to read and fun until the end. Thank you!




*Star*Keep writing!



-Jimminy-
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Genipher Author Icon! After reading "It's the End of the World as We Know It " Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

My first impression was good, my second impression was better. Great concept! I don't want to say too much and spoil it for your readers.

*Check1*What I liked:

My favorite part is realizing what the main characters are and just as importantly, where they are and the many references to the 'wind'. This is just awesome!

The dialogue was moving. Thank you!

*Check1*Suggestions:

I would suggest having more descriptions of each character, perhaps through the eyes of the other.


*Check1*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Near the beginning:

So there must be a chance (should have a comma after 'so'.)

Near the end:

"It was the end of the world but it (should have a comma after 'world'.)



*Star*

Keep writing and good luck in the contest if it hasn't been judged yet. Thank you for the drop-down box!


-Jimminy- Member of the PDG
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Write Club  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Rojodi Author Icon! After reading "Oct 11 Contest Round 2" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

This isn't classified as a story, I don't think, but you have it as an 'other', which makes me think this may be part of something larger. You did list it as part of a contest, so maybe not.

*Check1*What I liked:

I like the sense of backstory you have in this. These arguments have been going on for some time. I also like how Jordan is pretty set in his ways even if he is just a kid. Maybe being set in his ways has to do with why you said he had no chance.



*Check1*Suggestions:

I would suggest focusing more on Jordan's point of view. In the first paragraph, you begin with Jordan in the first sentence, then start the second sentence with Phillip who I would put a comma after and say it was his father. Then, in the same paragraph, you bring up Jordan's Mother. I think it would be a bit less confusing if you spread it out and kept the focus on the main character's point of view.

*Check1*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

First paragraph: "When she met Phillip, SHE (not He) was just a college student, she working..."I would suggest re-writing 'she working' as well.

*Star*

Thank you for sharing! This was a timed read and review for you. I enjoyed reading this and I hope you find my comments helpful. Keep writing!

Good luck in your contest!


-Jimminy-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Her Body  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Write Club  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello HERvoice Author Icon! I read "Her Body " Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:

I felt like this was dripping with sarcasm, probably because of the words, "how dare". Perhaps also because of the rhyming words: hair, bare, and wear?


Effectiveness of Form:

Free form.

I think you could get rid of the word 'off' to make the first line a three-word line instead of a 4-word line, so to give you in words (each line): 3,2,2,3,2,2,3,2 which may be more in uniform with what you have going for you.

You might also consider indenting some of the lines. Unless you mean to have a sideways (imperfect) 'w' or 'm'?

Punctuation and Grammar:

This poem contains sentences without the beginning word capitalized. Personally, I wonder if any punctuation is needed at all. Or maybe you can squeeze in an exclamation point? (I've been told I like exclamation points)

*Star*Closing comments:

Welcome to WDC! I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!

-Jimminy-
This is what I get!
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Valoriant Author Icon! I read "At the End of it all" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:

This was a bit of a roller coaster for me. I was guided by your description of "gloomy" and it was definitely that, in my mind. Success! I couldn't help but imagine the Angel and Devil were the two of us. Not sure who was good or who was bad but in the end, nothing would matter.

This was enjoyable to read and I felt I could relate to what was going on in your poem.

Effectiveness of Form:

Free form:

I didn't feel that the verses flowed as well as they should have, especially in concept. I think, perhaps, there was too much emphasis on using sentences and complete thoughts.

I would also suggest breaking it up into separate paragraphs. It may be that this was copied over from another program and it just didn't translate?


*Star*Closing comments:

Thank you for sharing! Keep writing!

-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of A Young Nation  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
And with luck, we can learn and learn! Happy Fourth of July! Thanks for the trinket! I found it!
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Alextrax52 Author Icon! After reading "Attack of the blobwoman " Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

A woman has a dream and dreams big, becoming the very blob eating machine she felt she was.

I felt this to be an amusing tale, mixed, of course, with elements of horror. Some, I brought into the story while remembering how scared I was when I watched the movie (The Blob) as a kid. That would be the 1958 version, though it was in the late seventies when I saw it.

I also felt this was more of a first draft to a larger story. Parts seemed more like notations to a story that would be explored later.

After reading this story, I realized Carole wasn't a good person. In the beginning I thought she had a mean boss who was firing her for lame reasons, but by the end, I knew Carol was indeed a villain, albeit, with a bouncy bottom! Too funny!


*Check1*What I liked:

Okay, Carole's transition into a blob-like creature by popping out of her clothes was nasty. I visualized way more than I really wanted to, but it did add to the story. Good job!

She kept stuffing her face with food with no mind to what others might think, not caring how it transformed her into this blob creature. It was her life goal and this rang true to character for her as I saw it.

It wasn't too difficult to read and follow along with the story and that really helps with the need to find out what happens next. Thank you!

*Check1*Suggestions:

Some words are very repetitive. You could get rid of some of "That" and "Carole". 'That' was used 70 times and 'Carole' 110 times. This is a lot and very distracting and, perhaps, one of the main reasons this story feels like a first draft to me.

When Carole is making her list, it might help to make it look more like a list by using bullets or numbers and such.

Since Carole is mostly unfeeling when it comes to thinking of others, it might be prudent to view her transformation through the eyes of another character. I think the horror aspect of the story will be magnified.


*Star*Thank you for sharing! Keep writing!



-Jimminy- Member of the PDG
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Review of Grenada  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Chris Breva Author Icon! I read "Grenada" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:

I must admit, this poem saddens me and also leads me to doubt. Oh, I don't doubt that Gunnery Sergeant Milford wasn't very good at his job, which was killing the enemy, rather, I doubt the stories of his demise would be the whole truth. I suppose I am quite curious now, but know it would be fruitless to speculate. I don't know why, but I imagine you know this person personally. If you do, I would tell you that I am sorry for your loss, the worlds loss.

Effectiveness of Form:

Effectively quatrain AABB

Punctuation and Grammar:

I would suggest replacing some of the repetitive words, such as 'the' with something more personal. For example, instead of 'the' enemy, perhaps use 'his' enemy?

*Star*Closing comments:

Now, what word might rhyme with 'well'? Brilliant! I enjoyed reading your poem, but must admit to a bit of confusion about Marines going into a college, then killing enemies, then getting killed. There is a lot more to this story left unsaid. Thank you for sharing!
-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of My Goddesses  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
My thoughts as a reader/ writer:


The first line in your essay makes me think of the opposition to your belief simply by your saying you don't have to believe as you do, which implies that someone, somewhere, could be made to believe as you do. I get a sense of backstory within the essay, but I am left hanging about any specifics. As a reader, I want you to show me the things that affect you. Maybe something about their voices thrumming upon your inner being? As it is, I didn't get to know any of the characters as I would have liked. They have tossed aside their armor and saved countless others with their mercy. This was a good line that lends character to your characters. A bit more of this, perhaps?

You have the potential to take yourself from a (possibly) weak woman, to a warrior woman, able to fight off...something? This is stated at the end of your essay. To me, it suggests a change the writer has gone through in this essay. As writer, I might take the opportunity to foreshadow this event?

Perhaps, instead of writing: I do not worship my goddess because I have to. I have been... I would suggest something more personal to the writing: My worship of the goddesses... (deepens), because I see past such (goddess) forms and see them for the women they are...

Examples of their bravery, compassion and love as it affects you might also help.

This is a bit confusing: To me, they aren’t just goddesses; they are women. Women who have gone through serious trials and tribulations, women who have screamed at the top of their lungs, and wept openly. I would suggest something like: ...goddesses, they are women who have gone... Instead of the semicolon, you could even use a colon? The one sentence is incomplete as it is. Anyway, taking out some of the repeated words and combining the sentences might help with the clarity.

Many of your sentences start with "I", which gives it an uncertain rhythm to your essay. I would suggest removing what isn't necessary. Often these sentences can be combined with favorable effects.

This was a really nice sentence: We dance on clouds as we listen to the sweet music of sisterhood and hope It offers a sense of motion, of things happening.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing! I hope you find my review helpful. Good luck writing!

Jimminycritic
Member of the Paper Dolls




~~Image ID# 1677327's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Love at last  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby-Star on top Author Icon! After reading "Love at last" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

As I read this, I could help but think of the gnomes that came to life when no one was looking. I know this is written for a contest and it is supposed to be tragic. I found this to be less tragic and more romantic. The tragedy was turned out to be but a dream, a nightmare, if you will.

I wonder why the sun was going to explode?

*Check1*What I liked:

For the most part, it was easy to read.

I enjoyed the Jack and Jill aspects of the story. I worried about his big toe (which got burned) when jumping the candlestick. Poor, man.

I enjoyed the way Jill cared for Jack. It was obvious they were a couple. I mean, Jack dreaming about being lip locked for eternity?

*Check1*Suggestions:

The last two sentences in the first paragraph might be better included with the first sentence. This keeps the focus on Jack instead of changing to the sun. Maye something like: "...stared up at the sun, which scientist agreed would soon flame out..."

The last paragraph confused me: "...and we gross in time with our lips together."



*Star*Thanks for sharing!

Member of the HSP



-Jimminy-

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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi vapid Author Icon! After reading "fleshy foreshadowing" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:

May you find something useful in my review. Anything less, please disregard.

First Impression:

I felt the powerful emotion that went into the writing of this piece. Even if you had randomly thrown some words together to build this story, something in it demands to be heard.

I admit, it was difficult to read, certainly it is in its early stages of edit, but fun to read, nevertheless.

It seems to me you wrote something that is not quite a poem, and not quite a story, but, perhaps, something of both? Certainly, it is a riddle and one I haven't fully figured out. My suspician is that this is about a nightmare, something more than a bad dream. An unending scream that drowns out materialism? The ending is quite depressing in that nobody cares.

The title, 'no guardians', makes me think the gargoyles are torn from their churches. This is the image I came up with after reading this story of yours, though, I can't exactly explain why.

Suggestions and Thoughts:

I would suggest line-breaking to give it a clearer format. Once done, see what words are repetitive and replace/remove them.

You might try adding more description. It wouldn't hurt to give a bit more information into what you have in mind with this story.

You said, "...the tattered books are the open ones". (My favorite line! Nice!)


Instead of saying to the reader they are marching to a beat, a drum, if you will, perhaps give us a sound? Boom, boom, and feet fall...? Just a thought.

Watch for it's that should be its and the wold that should be world.




*Star* I think this has potential. Thanks for sharing! Keep writing!

Jimminy, A PDG gang member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Write Club  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I honestly can't say for certain that your entry will be the best at being the worst. I can say that Cupid will likely be gunning for you, but with arrows and such. You might want to watch that backside of yours.

You managed to make me smile. Thank you for that! I can honestly say I never imagined Google and Cupid might be one and the same, but your poem seems to imply they are. Maybe not, but I did expect the worst!

Thanks for sharing! Have a great day!

Uhm, If I was cupid, I would definitely tip my arrows in Ghost pepper and let you have a few. Just sayin.
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi SPACE COBWEBS Author Icon ! After reading "Lost Civilization Beneath Olympus Mons" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

I can tell you are very detail oriented after reading this story where you have a bunch of different characters with brief notes about them. I found myself wondering if I was going to have to remember or, at least, reference these characters and I found myself laughing at my self-made stress. Thankfully, I didn't have to remember them to understand the story.

I have to agree with the main character: exploring that weirdly lit cave seemed like a bad idea without the proper support. Some people are just too stubborn to listen to reason, right? Of course, I would have entered the cave, even knowing the possibility of my demise. Bad things happen to others, not me. What could go wrong?

The story ended with one important word which I dare not repeat here. However, it was pretty clear of what was going to happen next. Great job!

*Check1*What I liked:

I like the in-fighting you have between characters. Especially, that the security officer might not have a job soon if the other gets promoted. These details help make the story great!

People can't always be reasoned with, and it shows in this story. That makes them more human in my eyes.

*Check1*Suggestions:

A lot of information went into this story that might be better left out, or perhaps, put in as a footnote. Not saying it's wrong, just saying it's information that isn't necessary to push the story forward, especially one as short as this one
.
I would be curious to know in what year this event was taking place.

It might to good to have the security officer log the recommendation? Just to cover her tracks, so to speak.

For whatever reason, the sentences don't always line up. Many of your sentences are centered on the page and I found this distracting. I do get distracted easily, but I thought to mention this.

*Star*Thanks for sharing! Good luck in the contest!



-Jimminy- Member of the PDG
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Review of Deep Space Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo Author Icon! After reading "Deep Space Death" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

I found this story to be rather sad. It encompasses real events and mentions real disasters which foreshadow the ending of this story. I could feel it coming, so it wasn't a complete surprise.

I felt for Sarah, in that she would have to deal with her miss-calculation, which resulted in the death of her crew mate. It bothered me a bit that she ran the calculations several times but didn't account for the extra oxygen use due to the crew mate’s laughter. This laughter, it seems, killed him.

*Check1*What I liked:

I like that your story had depth to it. I could re-read it and learn new things.

You were pretty expressive about your characters feelings in the story. One character in particular, wanted to spare the feelings of another character, nicely done!

Everyone was on a first name basis, showing the unity of the group.

For the most part, this story was easy to read. Thank you!

Thanks for putting the contest prompt at the beginning of the story.

I did like the real life references to events in that they fit in with the story you were telling.


*Check1*Suggestions:

Some of the sentences seemed to run on a bit longer than they should, especially, in the beginning of the story. Not badly, just a thought.


I suggest cutting out 'telling' that Brandon was the silly one. It would be better with examples.

Sarah 'did' the calculations might be better as 'ran' the calculations.

Personally, I don't mind the telling of a story versus showing of a story, but showing is often a more personal reading experience. I hope this helps?

*Star*Thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest!



-Jimminy- Member of the PDG
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Review of The Body  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sum1's Home! Author Icon! After reading "The Body" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:

Contains spoilers, so please read the story first.




*Check1*First Impression:

This is the story of poetic justice. The man who was smashingly abrasive in his relationships gets smashed from a fall. Did I mention getting eaten by the Birds and the Bears before succumbing to the depths of death? Of course, the best is last when it becomes apparent that the man's demise was a direct result of a girl child twisting up...never mind, you should read the story. I had a good first impression.


*Check1*What I liked:

You began the story with a character that was outgoing and easy to relate to. I didn't realize at first that he was something of a jerk to others until he changed later in the story. It was more of a realization for me and it lead me to think of poetic justice. Of course, I only thought I had figured it out until you put in the twist at the end. Great job!

Time slowed down for me as he was falling and this gave me time to visualize this character as he was and the change he was about to go through.

The story ended with a really nice suggestion that there was going to be more to come. Nice touch!


*Check1*Suggestions:

I know this contest was meant to show personification and your choice was a body- dead or alive, but it seemed to me that you wrote from the perspective of the man and not the body. Then, you changed perspective to that of Margaret. A re-write might be: My master lead me to this huge break-up...

I had a hard time imagining a person hitting so hard that the sound of him hitting could be heard for miles and still being conscience. Perhaps a more gentle break-up is called for?


I contemplated briefly what effect it might have on the story if the girls mother might know of the girls 'ability'? I thought playing on this could suggest another twist of sorts. Of course, this would be for further edits should you choose to expand on this story.


*Star*Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest!



-Jimminy- A PDG member
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Review of Penitence  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think the thing that I like about this poem is the surprise as I realize the cycle of life twists itself to a deep, dark end and there is no more breath. Wonderful!

The only thing that didn't seem to fit (for me) was that she was born an actor, her audience was the factor? Nothing clicked for me. Other than that, I thought this an excellent poem. Thanks for sharing!
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Review of Torchlight  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I don't know if I would call the lady a heroine given that her actions were brutal and violent, but I suppose calling her such would set the tone for this flash fiction piece. Also, she plans to commit arson and murder and comes with a kerosene lantern but the fact that she must 'find' a bow to commit murder makes me a bit skeptical.

Your work is very readable and filled with lots of genealogy. I think if you separate some of the thoughts and concepts into paragraphs this story would even come alive. Thanks for sharing! Keep writing!

Random Review

Jimminy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wonderful story! Thanks for sharing. I assume by warm-up you are still working on this? Rather, you plan to expand upon it, I think.

I think what made this enjoyable for me was the realization of "Shin" stepping away from the sameness of the other, robed people, to pursue a career more difficult than the other people would experience. He would pay tragically for his lessons though. I thought this was pretty easy to read and only stumbled on pronouncing unfamiliar words. So, all in all, not bad at all.

Shin gasped and feel to his knees Fell to his knees

Udonan and Liunesian are different somehow but I am not really sure what the significant difference between them might be. I get that there is a difference but I just can't put my finger to it. Perhaps a little light to this matter would help the flow of the story?

I thought the glyphs coming from the Master's hands spelling out words for the student to ponder making their own shortfalls easy to dwell upon was ingenious. I could use some glyphs of my own, though I am not as likely to take them so kindly. I might be more sensitive than "Shin". He seemed quite willing to commit to self sacrifice without any apparent motivator. I don't think this harmed the story any. It merely added to the intrigue.

Thanks for sharing! Keep up the wonderful work!

Jimminycritic
Member of the Paper Doll Gang

By the way, thanks for naming the inspiration. I am not familiar with Taylor Payton but idea of a painting still set the mood for me. Keep writing!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of My big dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi Izzy's Writing Author Icon ! After reading "My big dream" Open in new Window.,I offer you these comments:



*Check1*First Impression:

I thought it odd that a Hockey player in training would have abusive foster parents because it takes a very strong character to play the game, but then it sort of made sense to me. It could happen.

I never got a clear idea of the age of the character, but I believe 'she' was around 12 or 13? The foster parents treated her like she was seven when dealing out verbal abuse, but the beatings and the playing Hockey suggests a bit older.

The ending wasn't pure happiness (I don't want to spoil this for other readers)because in real life, solutions aren't always given.

*Check1*What I liked:

There was a lot of emotion here. I really liked how you played out the characters feelings and just added depth with each change of emotion. Some of the expressed emotions were: Fear, Awe, Hope, sadness, and more. That is a lot in such a short piece.

I liked that you engaged me in the story and made me sympathetic with the character. It was a sort of bonding experience, thank you.



*Check1*Suggestions:

Just a suggestion- I would begin with: “Get up, brat. I’m taking you to your hockey lesson," my mom shouted, waking me from... When you begin with "I" then slip to "She", there is usually a separate paragraph for the change in thought. Notice the comma within the parenthesis.


“You dare defy us of our daughter”, my foster dad asked. Perhaps 'deny' would suit better than 'defy' and the comma should be inside the parenthesis. This is in the second to last paragraph.

No 14-year-old should ever drink beer I guess you did mention her age. When I read this scene where this statement was made, I can't help but wonder if the writer is creating a scene to get their morals noticed rather than a character who is in pain and fearful of the damage that will be instilled upon her next.

There are lots of little mistakes throughout this piece but I think it would be worth fixing it up because even as is, it was fun to read. Of course, it would be easier without the mistakes!







*Star*Thank you for your review request. I hope I was helpful to you. Keep writing!



-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of A Choice  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice story. I thought it should reference what was happening in the background (waterfalls are loud!) and perhaps some more descriptions of the characters and their desires.

I didn't think it was a 'failed escape', I thought she succeeded quite well! She seemed like she was trying to kill herself, but really she was trying to get what she couldn't live without, which was this fae creature she dreamed about even though she forgot her dreams.

I suspect you could tie the background to the fae character some. For example, you could say, "...Mesmerized by the woman's BLUE eyes TO MATCH THE WATERS DEBTHS..." Maybe not exactly that, but it might help to find traits for comparisons, especially in something as short as this.

I loved your blushing character. It really added life to your story. Some of the words which really stick out from your story that I liked: (Skie) frowned, glanced, blushed, smiled mischievously, mesmerized and released. Almost all end in 'd'.

Thanks for sharing. Have a great day!


Paper Doll Gang member Jimminycritic
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Review of Long Ago  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello bobby19! I read "Long Ago" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:
I felt this poem was meant to put me (the reader) in a 'masculine' position, especially in the first quatrain, in a place (London Town) many years ago. I felt the author was making fun of this masculinity and for a second, I wondered if I should get mad. I decided against it and joined in the good 'joke' with a good laugh in the author's favor.

The thought that I was back in time in London brought dark thoughts to my mind. Especially, the last stanza, "...as you scurry to and fro." which leaves me to feel like I am some sort of plague carrying rat!

Most importantly, I did feel the author had some personal feeling invested in this poem, but just call it a feeling. Perhaps it is because this poem is listed as Biographical, Educational?




Effectiveness of Form:

I thought the title blended into the poem as the first stanza but realized (though not as quickly as I would like to say I did) that it did not fit into the 'Lento' format, which is abab cdcd (in this example) and the first word of each stanza within its quatrain should rhyme. Nicely rhymed!

Counting syllables for each stanza results in 10 10 11 9 and 9 10 10 13
Counting words in each stanza results in 9 8 9 9 and 8 7 9 9

The word count and syllable count very closely make apparent a trend, but not quite. I think if the author went back and looked at the poem with these numbers in mind, and a plan to balance the poem, this would certainly add depth to it.

I would suggest using the center function with this poem. Certain words stick out as if they were in bold when presented thusly. The last stanza, "Nays of disappointment,..." stands out the most and that, I think, makes it worth centering.

The third and fourth stanza stray from using commas, using 'and' rather than a comma. I must admit that I think these sentences are easier to read when put in the poem thusly!




*Star*Closing comments:

When writing poems which follow certain rules, I suggest informing the reader of these rules. Reviews will be better informed which helps everybody! IT was mentioned it was a 'Lento', but further details were left out.

I enjoyed reading "Long ago" and would love to have the author's opinion of this poem. I hope bobby19 keeps writing!



-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!
22
22
Review of Choose Happy  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello abre782! I read "Choose Happy" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:

The basic message of this poem I could relate to. There is a lot of negativity in the world and it is laughter which makes it all truly do-able. I felt like someone was pointing their finger to certain words in the poem (capitalized) in order to put emphasis on them. This made me feel like I was sitting in a classroom listening to an instructor beat their message in. Of course, this seems to contradict the basic message of the poem: be happy, use laughter.

My favorite line was "Lose the Anguish that plagues the Head" It suggested to me that my problems were something stuck in my head and that I could get over them if I simply used what you told me to use, laughter!



Effectiveness of Form:

Lento abab abab, first word in every staza rhymes in each quatrain. Bravo!

55 words, 26 in the first quatrain and 29 in the second, so, it is split nearly in equal parts.

Pain, Stain, Reign, and Strain, rhyme well enough, but I wonder if Strain could be replaced with 'Praying'? That would make it, "Praying each day to escape the Flame"

Choose, Lose, Refuse, and Amuse, work nicely together.


Punctuation and Grammar:

There is one ‘period’ at the end of this poem which makes it seem like this is one long sentence. It's my belief that consistency is important (even if you make up the rules!) and if there is a period in the poem, the rest should be correctly punctuated. It is easier to omit punctuation, especially in poetry, but I believe it would be better suited to have punctuation in your poem. Your ideas would come across with more clarity. That’s my opinion.

*Star*Closing comments:

The title for the poem, “Choose Happy” was apt for the poem.

Nicely written poem. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work!

-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!
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Review of Lento Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello foreverdixie! I read "Lento Poem" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:
This poem made me smile because I could relate with Grandma's garden, though in my case, it was grandpa's garden, growing up. I actually just planted a small garden on Satureday and Monday morning the temperature lowered to 33 degrees. When you wrote, "Dew adorns the young seedlings..." I was concerned about frozen seeds.

I mostly took this poem at face value. I figured what it said was what you meant it to say. It didn't feel right to read into it in the same way I might with other poems. In fact, I believe it said enough, just right as it was. The first part of the poem told me (we)planted the garden. Next, we watched them grow until they fruited. Finally, we ate, and I believe all the hard work paid for itself. This last was satisfaction, as I saw it.

The way I broke your poem down certainly doesn't sound too poetic but I am not the poet here. You are. You drew in feelings of family with the mere mention of Grandma and brought the family closer with feeding and satisfaction in such a way that I felt good after reading your poem. Thank you!

It is interesting how the only reference to "You" is in the last two stanza's. For me, this actually separated me from your words and left me with my own memories rather than 'your' intended memories. I didn’t' take it as a bad thing that you did this, but I don't think it helped further your objective with this poem.




Effectiveness of Form:
Lento abcb (double quatrain) With the Lento, the first word of each quatrain rhymes. Notice the assonance in the first word rhyming scheme: planting, waiting, watching. (The 'ay' sound) It is lost in the fourth rhyming word 'feeding'. Same thing with the consonance, the 't' sound. It is lost with the word 'feeding' which has no ‘a’ or ‘t’ sound. Perhaps the word 'Salting' might fit better? "Salting hungry roots below” It might not be exactly the right word but it might fit better for your poem.

Dew, Through, You, true is better in the next quatrain.


I notice your syllable count for each stanza. 7-7-8-7, 7-7-8-7 Bravo!

*Star*Closing comments:

I think you did a wonderful job presenting you Lento. I hope you find my thoughts helpful. Thank you for sharing!
-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!
24
24
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello sparkyvacdr! I read "The Reluctant Poet" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:


Emotional Impact:

After reading this poem, I noticed the connection between the title, "The Lazy Poet" and the content of the poem, but I felt by no means that it meant the poet was actually lazy. Of course, this is confusing, but as I understood it, it meant the author was either new to poetry or the author wondered if poetry was something that could never be fully understood because its depths was endless. After reading this poem, I suspect a combination of the two thoughts.

With the first line of the poem, ("Of jotting poems I know nothing") I felt the author was looking for an excuse in case the reader did not like the poem. I instantly connected with this thought because I could honestly say this line was exactly something I myself would write.

The message came across that the author would rather be Lazy/safe, but instead managed to write a poem I could understand and connect with.



Effectiveness of Form:

You used the abcb defe for the 'Lento' and this seems to be partially correct. The "FIRST" word of each verse should rhyme and your poem did not do this.

It wasn't necessary for every stanza to have 8 syllables but you managed that successfully for a grand total of 64 syllables which matched the total word count of 46 (backward). Excellent! I am not sure if this had special meaning but I liked it. I think forcing these things on your poem made the rhythm suffer, and because of that it was more difficult to read.



Punctuation and Grammar:

Poetry gives some leeway about punctuation and grammar in that the author can get away with being creative. In my mind it is best to be consistent though. The author capitalized every word at the beginning of each verse, which is consistent, but left one lonely comma in the last verse where commas before had been omitted. This only adds to the confusion because it shows inconsistency of comma usage. I suggest this comma be removed for the sake of consistency.


*Star*Closing comments:

I fully believe this author has a talent for poetry. I expect more than a bit of time was put into the making of this poem. I also believe a bit more time is needed to fix some of the issues I mentioned in order to make it a touch more readable. Still, I think it was worth reading.

Thanks for sharing!

-Jimminy-
Someone was thinking of me!
25
25
Review by Jimminy Jingle! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
 If An Alien Spacecraft Landed Open in new Window. (ASR)
I'm curious what writing.com members would do
#1377616 by Prosperous Snow celebrating Author IconMail Icon


Once we get them addicted to our coffee, then, it is on to conquering the universe! That is how we broaden our readership! Never think small! (Too many !!!?) Thank you Prosperous Snow celebrating Author IconMail Icon for a wonderful poll and confirmation that so many WDC writer think alike, except for a few odd ones though...perhaps that's what shrinks are for, right? Don't answer that.

"Cricket Review" Open in new Window.
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