This is a good heart-pour in only a few words. I can sort of relate, but, of course, we all different words for the same feelings. From a writing perspective, I would say to avoid a generalism when it comes to "rational emotion". I'd say emotion and rational decision-making are mutually exclusive, thus agreeing with you, but if you want to keep the attention of someone who can argue "rational emotion" couldn't possibly be a sense just because they cannot happen at the same time, you might want to leave that generalization for later. I do apologize for the run-on sentence!
I was unclear with the second sentence; "You take all those and find a compatible someone, and your (should be you're) sure to find yourself broken." Take all the senses? I believe, from a philosophical stand-point, that compatibility is only an indicator of tolerance, a sort of elimination process -basically determining whether you're able to spend more than 2 hours in a room with a partner without killing him/her. You've heard the phrase "Love is not enough", right? Compatibility simply means harmony, so that is definitely not enough! My logic to refute the sentence would be: Guard your heart until you're sure the other party means well, and not just speaks well. Dating, laughing, touching, talking, is simply a part of life -not a part of living together. Finding a compatible someone is only the beginning of the hardest decision you ever make: The decision of coexisting with another being on a regular basis whom is on the same, or a similar level than you. You could be broken, but you could also be seriously rewarded.
Other than that, good spill and very concrete. Keep on writing!
Good stuff! Short, sweet, comical, and finds its point immediately. If you dare, you could even turn make it five or six verses long, since you've already got a fun theme.
Good stuff! I specially like the last verse, and buried in the rest of the poem I found plenty of description that let me see the woman you write of. I enjoy that you used descriptive language to convey specific purposes, and not to embellish, fill in, or decorate the poem. As far as criticism, I found a few repetitions that, if changed, can make it less distracting. For example:
"Finally your eyes settle on hers,
And all rational thought flees
Her eyes are both emerald stones and pools,
They hit you with the force of rolling boulders,
You start to lose yourself,
To drown within the waters that are her eyes"
"Her eyes" is there three times.
"Her hair a violent shade of a coluor not known to man
It spills down around her face,
Framing it,
Adding wonder to it
Her hair shivers suddenly,
So much like a tongue of flame,
It seems alive"
"Her hair" is there twice. I find the second one unnecessary, since you're already using the third person pronoun in the sentence right before it. This verse could benefit from a replacement.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem. Keep on writing!
Original idea! It's easy to read and would definitely be fun for kids. I would like to point out a couple of things; perhaps it would help you work on it.
"paint me and named me ' Mona Lisa '
' what a masterpiece!' , they said about it"
You took it from the first person to the third person pronoun. I also feel apostrophes should be used carefully; if the shortening is unusual, dialectal or archaic, the apostrophe may still be used to mark it (e.g. 'bout for about, 'cos for because), but keep in mind you are writing about a painting that, if it could speak, it would likely not abbreviate these words.
"there are million things about me on the net" It should be "there are A million things about me on the net"
"my face went on display at so many places
from Italy to France
and finally the country I love
to Paris where I rest now."
Paris is not a country, and it is in France.
Also, you might wish to speak of "secret" or "adventurous" things that the painting has seen, since it has been stolen as well. You can speak of the greed it experienced, or the mesmerized eyes it witnessed. Describing emotions works pretty well.
Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Jhon
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