I would say this needs to be a lot longer. You went from a snag to a certain murder without explaining either. Within another 50 words it was a full blown emergency, Meet you in ten minutes thing. But hey, this is just a start, isn't it? I like where it's going once you really dig into it.
This is a good tale. I enjoyed reading it too much to find anything to critique. I did not figure out the twist in the end. I wish I could write like that.
A very good story. I think I caught an undercurrent of other, well-known story lines, done in fun. I liked that a lot. For instance, Lenore is in Poe, so why not "I would love her evermore"? Just to hammer down the reference beyond all doubt. You used Sci-Fi things in a very professional way, sticking to the fewest possible impossibilities, repeated. You used Monstrous to mean "evil, like a monster," But the first time I saw the word, I thought "very big." You meant bad and I didn't see bad right at first.
I liked the story, end to end. It went along smartly and the boy got the girl in the end, as these things are supposed to do. It was a fun read. I could see you have an investment in abuse in relationships. I don't know if that's a second theme. I don't know if there is just a little too much IN THIS STORY of it. I am NOT trivializing abuse! I'm just wondering if it all needs to be in this story. But maybe it does. Who knows?
"Is he an abuser?" Not everyone knows that word as a professional label. Some of your readers might not know what it means precisely.
I love the sweats turning Victorian, and the other funny lines. More!
No. I could see where this was going. ==> No! I could see where this was going.
Good grief. ==> Good grief!
I don't have any money, since who's going to give a job to a wolf?
I don't have any money. Who's going to give a job to a wolf? Tiny change to make it more like your style. I like your style very much. I also like "include" instead of "consist". I do like the subtle theme.
The second "Now the third pig" is redundant. I think I would have left it out, and started with "The third pig was at least smart enough..." But then, that's me. Another run-on sentence: ...fun, and then..." Change to "...fun. What does he do?..."
Your story is great. I like the idea of the wolf's point of view. I think you have a winner here.
When I say that it needs work, I emphatically means it deserves work. I think it needs expansion. For instance, I don't know what the relationship between "I" and Janet is, and I wish I did. Husband and wife? Girlfriends from childhood? Second, your story idea is very good. It should go farther. I wish there were a little more explanation of the phrase, "Like it had wrapped around itself."
To my way of thinking, you are not repeat not trying to be obscure as a way of talking down to your reader, being obscure on purpose. Therefore I suggest innocently a bit more fill-in. The story needs and deserves to be filled out.
A few tricks of the trade could be mentioned. Don't use passive voice very much. Sentences usually have three parts, don't waste the first two with sentences that begin "It was". Think of some clever way to avoid that.
But whatever you do, expand on this story! It is a very good idea and deserves light and space. Were "I and Janet" just dreaming together somehow? Do they make some sort of decision based on the strange event? Did they really not have grey hairs at the beginning of the story and did at the end? Or did they just imagine that somehow? Did time really warp? Or wrap?
I'm going to review this, but I'm not sure I will say anything useful. I want to comment on the subject so much more than I want to comment on the writing of the subject.
I want the story to continue, but it is so absolutely hopeless as it stands that I haven't the slightest idea how it would proceed. She is sold to the smoky smelling man and lives miserably ever afterwards, and so do her children, and so do their children?
You certainly are making a point, and a very strong one. Slavery isn't a fun topic the way you present it. I do wish it were longer, but I don't think I would enjoy reading it. It is so compelling. You have great talent. This doesn't sound very much like fiction.
Your punctuation and grammar are interesting, and not very classical, to say it in the most loving and gentle way possible. You use commas when I would use periods. I would write the first line or two:
Yes, what could she say? ...deafened her ears. It was hard...
But all that usually gets corrected in the re-write. And I feel petty commenting on punctuation in a piece this powerful.
I don't know what to say. I'm tempted to say "leave it alone, it's perfect. Different, for sure, but perfect." I don't want anything to interfere with your writing style. It is condensed, to the point of being abrupt. So fill it in? Well, maybe. But I like the way it goes leaping from place to place. I think I could read that way for a long time.
There are a few tiny things I might comment on. You say "return back" and I don't think you need both words. If you return, you go back. I would leave out the "back".
I wish I knew what "dost" means. It seems to be an important word, and one I don't know.
Very well done. There are many questions. What does any of this have to do with Allah? The question comes innocently, from complete ignorance. Can you explain some things without changing your writing style?
“I really liked your story,” a voice called.
That should be the first line in your story.
Too many words. Way too many words. I got the idea that x was isolated all right. And possibly psychotic. Your description of Y through X's eyes was beautiful. I was in love with her too, and I never met her either. That was a powerful line.
Are there really that many long words in a creative writing class? Short words work better for me. And short sentences. And simple constructions. And I think I would just say that X felt isolated and give examples rather than try to prove it without saying it. And why the hell is Y smoking a cigarette? And they did actually go for coffee, I hope.
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