Overall it felt very thin to me. I think if you fleshed it out and created some kind of tone and rhythm it would help a great deal. I didnt feel any tension or connection to the character. I think you were going for a fast pace with the short sentences but you lost me doing that through the whole story. If you broke it up with more descriptive sections and let me know why I should care about the thing happening I think it would have been more effective. One of the best things I have learned as a writer is tempo and pace. There is a certain flow to each story that is crucial. Its like a song, you dont want the exact same monotone through the whole thing. Speed up then slow down to increase tension. I also did not feel any hook.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jhider
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:48am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
