Hi Joey! After reading {item:ID #1756578 }, I offer you these comments:
First Impression:
The idea behind the friends and the antics they could get into in their lives is a good one. I believe that people would be interested in reading about them. First, the idea of girl on girl always seems to go over well and second because there are enough characters to provide a diverse mixture of events and possibilities.
Another reason I think this could work is because Florida is the perfect location. I live in Florida and the background is perfect.
Suggestions:
Work on your flow in your future stories about these couples. I know these was basically a presentation of an idea but I felt uninvolved during the reading of it.
I like to sink into a story and become a part of what is going on with at least one of he characters and I couldn't really get lost in this one.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Spelling:
His wife Lynn, a demurerdemurrer woman of twenty-nine
brunetbrunette hair and a perfect body.
Punctuation:
Joey and Ibbey had just finished helping them add- on a massive new redwood deck,(need a hyphen between add and on)
The cast iron fire- pot, Rusty had in the center of the deck, glowed with a warm aura. (hyphen between fire and pot)
I also feel like you use too many comma's. Every time I see a comma I want to pause for a second when I am reading and with as many comma's as you are using all I get done is pausing one each sentence and sometimes multiple times.
Thank you so much for submitting you story.
Happy Writing!
I like your review. I wanted to see the movie True Grit before I read this and now I want to see it even more. I loved the John Wayne version of the movie.
I also liked the humor in the line , " In the John Wayne version, Rooster has his patch over the "right" eye, and in the Jeff Bridges' version it is over the "wrong" eye." Cute! Suggestions:
I am impressed that you are in the eighth grade and have written such an open and honest story. Your hardships show through in your writing, I can feel your sadness, your struggles, fears, and angst.
Writing in the first person can be very challenging for a seasoned writer let alone someone just starting out. Be careful of the over use of the word "I". There are some good articles on the internet about writing in the first person that may help you to resolve the issue.
I liked your story a lot. I admire your candor and your willingness to share it with others. It speaks highly of you.
Your paragraph structure is good.
Your grammar is right on target.
Your descriptions of actions and movement of the characters add depth to your story.
You are doing a great job!
Keep up the good work and Happy Writing! A WDC Power Reviewer Review!
I liked the context of your story. I felt the apathy, resignation, and frustration of your main character.
Making the coloring book her sanctuary was an imaginative idea in which your descriptions of colors, smells, the box, the picture, and everything related to them were done really well.
The Donald Trump toupee reference was good, everyone laughs at that toupee and it adds to the sarcasm and humor.
Your sentence structure is good.
Your paragraphs are good with relevant transitions.
Your ability to create a strong picture visually is exceptional.
I believe that this story wasn't an award winner only because it was such a quite story. It was kind of like easy listening music for me, quite, soothing, and not quite loud enough to move me or make a huge impact.
I think if you make your next story a little louder and a little less subtle you would nail it.
I really like the premise of your story. I believe that as a teaser it shows lots of potential for future chapters and story lines .
I personally had some issues with the main characters dialogue. I think that you were purposefully making the dialogue stilted so that it came across that Apollyon was uneasy speaking about his family history and I can appreciate that. However, it didn't work for me personally. I believe that there may be other ways to come across with body language, specific verbalization's etc. The ellipses as pauses just don't ring for me in a story. The hyphenation does the same thing. Some people may not mind it but I personally think it makes a story stilted.
I like the ways in which you describe the character and the fact that you don't repeat his name over and over wins BIG brownie points with me.
You sentence structure is good. Your paragraph transitions are great too.
I love the car that brings in the modern element. Too cool! My one little issue with the car is that a 1960 Cadillac Eldorado wouldn't have a button to push to make it do anything. Maybe if you choose to explain that this is a custom 1960's car it would help as my hubby says you can make any car do anything electronic now. Yes, I did ask him as I am not that motor vehicle savvy.
I liked this teaser a lot. I am not sure yet how I feel about Apollyon as a person or demi-god or whatever he is going to turn out to be. You definitely left me with questions that make me want to read more about him.
Personally, I like his sarcasm to, just be careful that its not over done to the point where people don't like him.
I like your story. I think it is cute and an easy read. I also felt that it is fairly unique and the humor in it comes across well.
There were a few minor changes that you will need to make but I didn't see any major issues with it at all. As a matter of fact the self editing that you have done is really good. I know how hard it can be to correct your own work before others read it.
Corrections
11:30 am should be 11:30 a.m.
by 3:00 I had By three what? Is it a.m. or p.m.?
When you write the time later on in the story you say "by one, by two, etc. Instead, if you are writing out one, two, etc. it should read one o'clock, two o'clock etc.
I also believe that you are over using the word "I". When we over use a word it becomes a distraction. It can be extremely difficult to write in the first person effectively.
The word "carrot" or "carrots" is over-used too. Try using words like "villain" or "adversary" "orange weeds" "rivals". It adds interest to the story and gives your carrots character.
manacle grin.Should be spelled maniacal, the second usage of this word is spelled incorrectly as well.
Another point that I would like to mention is that although your sentences are in fact complete sentences there are quite a few short sentences that could be combined to give a better flow to your story. When we use a lot of short sentences our writing has a tendency to read stilted and chunky instead of smooth and flowing.
don't know the half. half what? I believe "half of it." would read better
After the first crunch of the bite the carrot's substance changed into a soupy tasteless chunk. It may read better eliminating this portion. The reader already knows that the crunch is because of taking a bite
Then suddenly I heard a faint laughter, there was no denying it. For a split second I heard the carrots laughing, and then I felt dizzy. I feel this would read better as something like the following "Suddenly, for a split second, I thought I heard the carrots laughing. I started to feel dizzy and grabbed my head to keep it from spinning off, it wouldn't stop and I fellyou wrote feel for fell in this sentence to the ground." Just an example of what you might want to think about doing to make this portion flow a little better.
I awoke sometime the next day it felt like; 7 am. This needs to be changed "It felt like 7 a.m. when I awoke the next day." or something similar. The semicolon is not a correct form of punctuation in this instance.
It was 6:30a.m. i capitalize this must..
I really did like reading your story. I believe it has real potential to be great. I could see this as a kids story with some modifications to language so you may want to try a kids version too!
I found your article enjoyable and your writing style easy to read. I don't know if you wrote this for anything in particular like a college course but your writing is solid.
If you are trying to make people really think about the subject you may want to add some new arguments. People have been using this type of anti god dogma forever and most people have grown used to it. But then again, I tend to be a bit jaded.
I believe that the thoughts of the ant could very well be legitimate and I did feel the confusion of the ant through his thoughts which is what I believe you are trying to portray here.
Grammatically there weren't any glaring issues just a few minor things you may like to change.
"I have fought countless battle"...battle should be plural after the word countless.
"suffering do we poses..." I believe you actually meant to use possess
both of these are easy to over look when proof reading your own work.
I have another suggestion which you may want to consider. I would place the sentences, "The light continued its ceaseless burn. " and 'Still the light stayed focused on him.', in there own paragraph for a more dramatic effect on the reader.
My final suggestion is that you may want to consider dropping "No More" from the end of the story, I believe "What remained was only ash" is a perfect ending with a solid sound, for me the words "No more" after it took away from the story instead of adding to it.
All in all though I liked your story, the flow and your concept. Thank you for contributing it. I hope you find my review helpful. :)
I Loved this! As a woman that calls Florida home this was hilarious!
Your use of language was great and the flow was good as well.I can visualize what you were saying and felt like I could be a part of this story. Sorry about the cat, i hope the tail fur grows back.
I totally appreciate you writing this and bringing a little humor into the vicious reality of the fire ant fight in Florida
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A WDC Power Reviewer Review
love your dialogue. The conversation between the t.v. screen character and Dan were excellent.
A WDC Power Reviewer Review! 
Corrections
