I'm not particularly a poet myself but it seems your playing a line game 3 groups of 2 line a group of three 3 groups of 2 lines and a group of 1.
your first three have interplay between them in that the 2nd propels off of the first in a not all together related sense while the third jumps in as more of a pure continuation of the second. Where your second groupings of three do not match this pattern. I think that makes things a little clunky in what is otherwise a very pretty piece.
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