Great story! I loved the humor... witches eat children all the time... and the attention to detail. You did a great job drawing out the tension and I agree, this could not have been contained in a 100 word story. I'm glad I got the chance to read this!
This is a fun poem about a little boy and his imaginary friend, Jack. It is a fun read, though I am wondering if there isn't a deeper meaning. Some of the things the parents say seem a little mean. Makes me wonder about the monsters that the boy tells Jack about. Or perhaps I'm reading too much into it. The last line is a bit sad.
First, I enjoyed reading this, so thank you for sharing. The story moves along nicely and even though there are a few things that could be done to improve, there is nothing that really detracts from the story.
A few suggestions:
Spacing between the paragraphs, or indents, will make this read a lot easier.
Sometimes more is less... or is it less is more? In either case, a few of the sentences could have been less wordy. For instance: I was on my stomach, spluttering and spitting the water I was choking on . Someone hauled me to my feet, taking a hold of the collar of my shirt Awkward. Try Someone took hold of my collar and hauled me to my feet, then quickly moved on.
People were shouting and running all around me, shoving past me, trying their best to keep the ship above water
The following sentence is awkward and hard to follow. Perhaps break it up. The Andromeda: nothing if not grand, were rocking from side to side like a cradle, granted wherein the baby was not quite safe, threatening as it was, to tip over with every wave that struck.
The Andromeda, is nothing if not grand. Yet the waves washing over her were rocking the ship from side to side, like a cradle threatening to spill the baby out.
You use a lot of adverbs. I would cut down on some of them. Of course this is my opinion, but I find them a bit distracting and I think reads better without. Leave some things to the readers imagination.
I looked up into the round, ruddy face of the colonel, startled of his appearance among the men. He laughed a barking laugh at my surprised expression. Squinting up at the sky, while simultaneously making made a sailors knot to secure a big box of jackfruit, which had come free from the safe place under the canvas loose..
I know it seems I picked this apart, but really it is nicely told and with a bit of editing would really shine.
This is a very cute story and I am sure your daughter enjoyed it! I know I did.
There were a few errors. I hate pointing them out and some of them may be intentional, since some of the grammatical errors are in speech. Still, I will just make the suggestions and you can take what you want and leave the rest.
First paragraph: Close at her heals...I think it should be heels.
Fifth paragraph: Suddenly, Fred ran off going right through the center of a thick est... delete the space so it reads thickest.
Come back here cat!. (You have both an explanation mark and a period at the end.
Sixth paragraph:: She came to s top ... delete the space so it reads stop.
Tenth paragraph: “Please miss giant, please don’t fall down too. I am afraid that his weight is already more then I can bear.” (Now this may just be the way he speaks, so take it or leave it, but should read, I am afraid that his weight is already more THAN I can bear.)
16th paragraph: “He is bigger then any pet I have ever seen... Again, may be part of speech, but then should be than.
20th paragraph: He dropped dramatically at her feet., (using both a period and a comma at the end.)
25th paragraph: When it fell it completely covered my way home.” (Need a comma after fell.)
38th paragraph: it’s place was a hill, much like any other hill, that had what appeared to be a tiny rabbit hole near the bottom. (it's should be its. You only use an apostrophe when you are saying it is.
Sorry if it seems I was tearing this apart. I'm not. I love the story! Thank you for sharing.
Writing 100 words is very difficult and good practice, to help you choose your words carefully. I hate to say this, but I checked. There were 101 words, so I would like to offer a suggestion.
Cut out repetitive words. Mom and Grandma are mentioned a lot. If you cut out the unnecessary there is room for more story. It is also not necessary for the reader to know mom and grandma are watching, that can be assumed.
There appears to be two images that are no longer available. I'm not sure if they had anything to do with the prompt or the story, so that might help me understand a bit more. I am wondering what happened to daddy. I am thinking maybe he died, or perhaps he is in the army and away for a while. I like that idea much better.
Here is an example of what could be done when you cut out repetitive words and unnecessary sentences. I hope it doesn't offend you, if so, I apologize.
Tommy was excited. Today was the big powwow. He dressed in the dance regalia his mom and grandma had made.
At the powwow, Tommy danced his very best, but he was afraid. His daddy was away and couldn’t perform with him. He had never danced alone. Tommy was a big boy though, 5 years old. He could do it.
After his dance, he lined up for judging. When it was done, Tommy walked off the dance floor. He had lost. Grandma handed him a pouch. Inside was a picture of his dad. Tommy smiled. He would never dance alone again.
HI, I found this while I was looking for something to read to my son tonight. This is a cute story. I do think there is some repetitiveness that could be fixed, as it slows the reading down.
In the first section you mention round up the pigs twice. Perhaps one of the times you could say, catch the pigs? Also, the conversation kind of runs together. Perhaps some spacing in between lines?
A few more examples: "Here, take my hand." Ben reached out and offered his hand to his older sister.
Hand being used so close together, really sticks out. Perhaps, "Here, let me help you up." Ben reached out and offered his hand to his older sister.
And then the same thing with it.
When Mary reached forward to grab it, however, Ben quickly withdrew it and once again Mary fell back into the puddle.
How about., When Mary reached out to accept her brother's assistance, Ben quickly withdrew his hand and once again Mary fell back into the puddle.
It helps to read through and see how the lines sound. Repetitive words will stick out.
Spelling errors:
The pig was licking egg yoke... should be yolk.
Mary chassed after the pig carrying Ivy. Should be chased.
“I’m proud of you, Mary. Accident’s happen all the time... should be Accidents, no punctuation mark.
This is a really cute story. I am sure my son will enjoy it. Thank you for sharing and good luck!
This is wonderfully written and put a huge smile on my face. Sort of Romeo and Juliette, in reverse, it tells the beginning of a budding romance... only Juliette, (Blair) wasn't going to wait for Romeo, (Luke) to ask her to the Valentines Day Dance. As a parent I cringed at the risks she took, but having once been there I remember how it was.
Cute poem. I am reminded of how busy life can get. We never seem to have time for anything and push things to the side. Don't have enough time... until time is gone.
I love this poem. Heading into Autumn, it reminds me of all the things I love about this season, especially the hot chocolate. Thank you for sharing this!
This is a cute story about assumptions we may make about others. Funny ending, although I felt it lacked a bit in the punch. Thank you for sharing this and good luck in the contest it was written for.
This review is from week 9 of "Invalid Item" . A chilling tale of loss, depression and suicide. You pack quite a punch into a hundred words. I always look forward to reading what you can accomplish with the prompt and have yet to be disappointed. Thank you for the plug at the end. :)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . This review is from week seven. The story was written based on the photo prompt of a girl engulfed in flames and is told from the point of view of the girl, now a ghost. I like the confusion she felt. Obviously she didn't remember what had happened. I think it would have read better if the reader was given some kind of idea of how she died... obviously fire, but how did it start? Was her boyfriend responsible? I kind of think he might because he had a picture of her burning... which would be odd.
Thank you for entering and I look forward to future entries.
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . This is a cute take on the See Spot Run theme and a fun Halloween story.
About the only thing I noticed is door bell, which should be one word, doorbell. Other than that there was nothing wrong with this story and provided a good laugh. Thank you again for entering! I look forward to seeing more from you.
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am so glad you were able to enter on time this week. I wanted to give you some feedback in regards to your entry. Writing 100 words isn’t easy and you did a great job.
This story drew me in from the beginning, showing me how the character feels, helpless… powerless. It is a scary feeling. Great job!
I can’t think of anything that can be done to improve this piece. Thank you for entering!
First, I wanted to thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . Second, I wanted to give you some feedback regarding your entry.
When writing poetry, meter is important. Yours is all over the place, which makes it difficult to read and get a flow going. In the first stanza the syllable count is 4, 4, 6, 3. Second: 6, 4, 4 6, which is good, that follows a pattern, A, B, B, A. Then 3rd, 4, 4, 5, 7. The one thing I can suggest is that when writing poetry, read it aloud. This will help you get a feel for how it sounds and be able to go back and fix anything that makes it difficult to keep pace.
I hope you found this useful and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Thank you for another great entry in "Invalid Item" . I am way behind with my reviews but I think I am finally getting caught up. This is a wicked story that leaves me wanting more. I hope you extend it, (I think it would make a great story.)I do wonder how often she finds lovers to enchant.
Thank you for submitting this to "Invalid Item" . As mentioned, you did miss the deadline, but I loved reading the story. These are my thoughts.
Wow, I loved this.The story fit the picture prompt perfectly and I think would work great as a longer story. Even though it was written in a more telling than showing, this does sometimes work well and in this case it did. If you had entered on time you would more than likely have been one of the chosen minions.
I hope you get your entry in on time this week because I would love to be able to judge it with the others.
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . Writing 100 words isn't an easy task and I wanted to give you some feedback that I hope will help you out.
What I liked: The concept. I used to spend the night at my Grandma's house and she had a painting that scared the daylights out of me. The eyes followed me everywhere. Also, my sister had a similar experience in my mom's bedroom, dark, hooded shadow, red eyes, fading away... creepy.
Problems: When writing with such a limited word count, every word counts. Writing in passive voice means adding unnecessary words, which means giving the reader less of a description to paint the picture and build the horror.
Using 97 words you wrote:
At eight years old Sarah loved sleeping in bed with her grandma. She thought she was in the safest place she could be. Maybe that's why it came to visit. Her Grandma was asleep, Sarah was about to do the same when she noticed a black shadow rising in the corner. It reached the corner with red glowing eyes. It stared into Sarah paralyzing her. She couldn't close her eyes or look away. she couldn't move, when she screamed nothing came out. It's evil filled her with hororr. After it disappeared she knew it would be back.
Taking out a few words and changing sentences to a more active voice, I was able to stick to 100 words and add in a few more descriptions.
At age eight, Sarah loved sleeping in bed with her grandma, feeling she was in the safest place possible. Maybe that's why it came to visit; to prove her wrong. Grandma was sleeping that night, Sarah about to join her, when a black shadow rose from the corner. It stared at Sarah, with red, glowing eyes, paralyzing her. Unable to close her eyes or look away, Sarah opened her mouth to scream. Nothing came out. The thing radiated evil, filling her with horror, then slowly faded away. After it was gone she knew one thing; it would be back.
There were several repeat words and redundancies. a black shadow rising in the corner, it reached the corner, paralyzing her, she couldn't move. Often, if you read your story out loud, you will catch anything that sounds out of place.
I hope this helps and I hope to see you enter this weeks contest.
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" and congratulations on winning the title of Head Minion for the first week. I loved this story and can't find anything to offer for improvement. I hope to see you enter future competitions.
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I'm a bit late with this, it's been a busy week, but I wanted to let you know I enjoyed your story. The ending made me laugh and I could picture the scene. Would be funny if the original camera man had joined them... minus his head, for the picture.
I have a few suggestions that I hope will help. Writing 100 word stories is a good way to tighten your story telling and there are a few things you can do to help the story flow better.
One is to eliminate repeat words. In short fiction, repeat words create a stumbling block for readers.
You wrote:
For two hours every year, ghosts emerged from graves to party. Shy little Cynthia also emerged, witnessing her first ghost party. "Wow!"
“Cynthia, watch out,” shouted Duke.
Cynthia scanned left. The living...and their cameras...saw ghosts if they were also inside the cemetery gates this night.
Snap!
The man, clutching the camera with evidence of a ghost, ran.
Shy Cynthia shook. Two seconds before tears…
The man’s head flew into the air. Todd, the cemetery owner, resheathed his bloody machete. “Told you guys I’d get a camera. Say cheese!”
The ghosts jumbled joyfully together. Cynthia smiled awkwardly. "CHEESE!"
Snap!
Eliminating some of the repeat words and switching up some of the sentences to more active tense allows for a slight change at the end.
Every year on Halloween, ghosts emerged from their graves. For the first time, Cynthia shyly rose, witnessing the scene.
“Wow!”
“Cynthia, watch out!”
Looking left, she saw the man. Inside the cemetery, the living can see ghosts. Cynthia tried to dodge, but…
SNAP!
Clutching his camera with ghostly evidence, the man ran. Ready to cry, Cynthia shook, then the man’s head flew through the air.
Re-sheathing his machete, Todd, the cemetery owner picked up the contraband.
“Told you guys I’d get a camera; say cheese!”
The ghosts jumbled together. Cynthia smiled awkwardly next to the newly decapitated spirit. “Cheese!”
SNAP!
I hope you found this helpful and I look forward to future entries.
I love discovering where words come from. It's interesting and sometimes funny. For instance... News. Like what we read in the paper or watch on tv. It is an anagram because when people would get word of what was going on outside their area it came from the North, East, West and South.
I liked this. I think you could add a bit more to the descriptions and a lot of your story is telling. I know, show not tell, *shudder*. We are story tellers after all. And I believe in using a mix because there are times you do need to tell, just so you can move on. But other times it makes the scene more exciting. Below is an example of one of your paragraphs and then another way to tell the same thing. Of course in the end it is your story and you must tell it how it seems right to you.
He awoke feeling warm and fuzzy all over. He slowly opened his eyes and checked himself out. His flight suit and helmet had been removed; he was now in his fatigues. His head had been resting on his survival backpack. He was not cold, even though he was lying in the snow. He was not in pain and his arm was no longer broken. And, he could distinctly smell the aroma of baby powder. He slowly sits up and looks around.
Feeling warm and fuzzy all over, he opened his eyes. How long had he been out. Checking himself for injury, Green discovered he was in his fatigues. When he'd passed out he was still in his flight suit with his head resting on his survival pack. Looking around he found that he was lying in snow, odd since he was not cold. He also wasn't in pain. His arm, which had been broken in the crash was now healed. Slowly, he sits up and looks around.
Thank you for sharing this! I look forward to reading more.
I have yet to understand why it is ok to show hate towards one group of people all in the name of supporting another group. I am a Christian, yet I am ok with gay marriage. I know Christians that are not and that is their right. I also know a lesbian, (my daughter's roommate) who is against gay marriage. Does she hate herself? I am so sick of hearing that if someone is against gay marriage that they then must hate gay people. They are called bigots and other names. Being against something or for something does not mean they hate the person. Most Christians believe that God says it is a sin to be gay. While I don't believe that, (I think someone wrote it down way back then and said it came from God, pretty much the way the Westboro cult says they speak for God). But most people that think it is a sin do not hate. They just believe they are doing what God wants. You can't fault that... unless they wanted to kill someone and say God told them too, they are not breaking any laws. A good example is that I am against abortion.I have friends that are pro life. I don't agree with them, but I don't think they hate babies anymore than they think I hate women, which would mean I hated myself. Yet stories like these show Christians in a twisted light and portray them as being hate mongorers.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jezri
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.16 seconds at 11:07am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "