General notes:
For improved readability, indent the first line of each paragraph; add a blank line between paragraphs; or do both. You have the extra blank line between most paragraphs, but it’s not consistent throughout.
In this review, I have only included snippets of your text to help you identify the trouble spots.
Pacing: In some places, the pace of your story is too slow; you needn’t describe the blow-by-blow detail of every character’s movements and actions. In other places, though, it seems too fast. The instant doctor’s appointments, the same-day CAT scan, the especially quick progression of Jake’s disease after the slow development over four years all make it seem rushed.
Contractions: Use “let’s” for the contraction of “let us” and “lets” for the third-person present tense of “to let” (e.g., “he lets”). Misuse of “lets” appears to be a habitual error. Also, I noticed a lack of apostrophes on a number of other contractions, such as “won’t.” Pay careful attention: the apostrophe is needed to indicate the missing letters. Note that “it’s” is a contraction of “it is,” while “its” (with no apostrophe) is the possessive of “its.”
Spaces and punctuation: You need a space after punctuation marks (except opening quotation marks, opening parentheses, and apostrophes). Where I have formatted text in blue, I have made a change to existing text or an addition. Also, look for strikethrough (text to omit). Sometimes, this is just one character, so please look closely. In dialogue, use a comma before the closing quotation mark when it is the end of the spoken word, but not the end of the sentence. For example, “I hate you.,” said Bobby. (I think there were nearly forty instances of this error.)
Overused/repetitive/weak words: also (19 occurrences), just (23 occurrences), really (9 occurrences), very (41 occurrences!), and (259 occurrences!), but (56 occurrences).
Sentence structure: Many (if not most) of your sentences are composed of independent clauses strung together with conjunctions: He did this and he did that and then he did something else. While this is not grammatically incorrect, it is wordy and sometimes tiresome to read. In such cases, the first “and” can usually be replaced by a comma, or the sentence can be broken into two or more sentences. Vary your sentence structure so that you have fewer compound sentences and fewer conjunctions (you should have a few, but not every sentence needs them). The result will be a more pleasing, conversational rhythm to your prose.
Verbs: Watch for shifting verb tenses. Simple past tense is good for most of this story; occasionally, you will want to use past perfect or past perfect continuous, but rarely will you want to use present or future, except in dialogue. You might find these links helpful:
Strive to use strong action verbs as opposed to weak helper verbs (to be, to have) and passive verbs (where the subject merely sits back and is acted upon).
More showing, less telling; strive to include specific details that draw the reader into the scene, using all of the five senses wherever possible. Use dialogue and action to convey the scene, rather than simple descriptive narrative. I have underlined some examples of what I consider representative “weak phrases” in need of more specificity (as you develop an eye for them, you should find more that I have not pointed out).
He could hear Mary in the kitchen humming an old song as she made them some lunch. [Try something like: He listened to Mary humming “Amazing Grace” in the kitchen as she fixed him a thick-sliced ham sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise for lunch.] […It had taken years of hard work and saving the money to build their dream home and horse ranch. …they danced in the living room to an old love song. He remembered how they looked back then and how they were so full of life and energy. …]
[This] might be a good place for a flashback, instead of a narrative. Something like: Jake smiled at the memory of the day they moved into this house. They had worked hard to build their dream house. They had scrimped and saved. Finally, they stood on the hardwood floor of their very own living room in their very own home. “Shall we dance?” he asked. Mary had taken his hand and allowed him to draw her close, until she was wrapped in his arms.
“I love you, Jake,” she whispered, trying not to step on his toes as he led her around the room to their special song, “I’ll Be Seeing You.”
They filled their home with love and the laughter of three children, all raised here in this house. Their children were grown, now, with homes of their own. Once again, it was just the two of them, Mary and Jake. And they were still as much in love as they were the day they moved into their dream house.
Jake was jolted back to the present as Mary placed a plate of food on the table beside him.
“I’m sorry,; I didn’t mean to startle you. What were you thinking about so intently?” Mary asked.
Jake took her hand and said…[Instead of rehashing the memory you’ve just described, how about giving Jake a different way of saying this? Maybe: “Oh, just reminiscing. Thinking about how beautiful you were, and still are. Remember how we danced - right over there - the night we moved into this house?” Jake began to hum the tune. “We had some good times, didn’t we? Raised three beautiful kids. Now look at us, Mary. We’re getting old. Didn’t we promise each other we’d never get old?”]
It seemed like every day he was forgetting something. Most of the time, it was little things… [Suggestion: Be more direct. For example, eliminate most of the introductory phrases such as “It seemed like” and “It made her want to…” “She wondered if…” Try: She fought back tears, sometimes, to see how Jake had changed over the years. His once-sharp mind now leaked like a sieve. Most of the time, it was little things. Insignificant things. But just now, he forgot about two of their children. Clearly, it was more than simple forgetfulness. She had tried, a couple of weeks ago, to talk to Jake about Alzheimer’s Disease. He just got mad…]
Very tactful how Mary works in “five children.”
“Yeah, I guess so,. that’sIs that what we built those rooms for?” Jake said butasked, lookedlooking puzzled.
Mary asked, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I’m confused,; you said five kids and we have three kids.,” Jake said.
Mary went and sat down beside him and said, “No honey we have five kids.: Henry, Daniel, Kara, Dana, and Kelly. Look at mythe mother’s ring [“my mother’s ring” sounds like it’s a ring handed down from her mother] you bought me,. there’sThere are five stones, one for each of our kids.”
…please let me call Dr. Davis and get an appointment.”
“Oh, please, Mary, don’t ever tell the kids…it would devastate them.,” Jake cried.
“AlrightAll right, make the call.,” Jake sadly said.
When they got to Dr. Davis’ office the next day Jake was a nervous wreck, mostly because he didn’t want to face what he might hear. … I need you to go over to the hospital and get a CAT scan., and beCome back here in the morning for me to give you the results.,” Dr. Davis said. … He knew in his heart that he hashad Alzheimer’s and the next day in the doctor’s office it was confirmed. …He cried, he threw things, and cursed out loud at the hand fate had dealt him.
While the plight of this man - this couple - is heart wrenching, the rather emotionless narrative leaves me feeling distant and disengaged. It seems that you are more comfortable writing about Mary and her point-of-view than you are about Jake, even though he seems to be at the center of the story. Your whole style seems more natural, less forced, when you’re describing Mary’s thoughts and actions.
Mary was worried about himJake but decided he probably needed some time alone. … She made herself calm down and went to the barn to check on himJake. [Try to alternate between proper nouns - names, particularly - and pronouns that refer to them. It can be disorienting to have a long paragraph referring only to “him,” but it can be tedious and repetitive to refer always to “Jake.”] … When they got back to the house he took a shower and lielay down on the bed and cried. …“Why is this happening to me…to us? I am so scared Mary, I don’t know what to do.,” Jake said as he softly cried.
“Sweetheart, I don’t know why but I do know we will get through all this together, one day at a time.,” Mary said.
Jake had stopped crying and said, “Let’s go get something to eat and get back online again. …“You know I trust Davis but I really want a second opinion,.
“…Promise me that you won’t shut me out again. This affects me also. What hurts you also hurts me.,” Mary said softly. [Suggestion: Eliminate “also” wherever possible. It’s overused throughout the story. Here, you have it in two consecutive sentences spoken by one character.]
“I’m so sorry sweetheart,; I’ve just been paralyzed with fear. … I promise not to shut you out again.,” Jake said as he gave her a small kiss. … So Jake and Mary tried to learn as much as possible about this illness and also found a doctor about a hundred miles away that dealsdealt with it.
The next morning Mary called the doctors office and told them everything that had happened so far and the got him an appointment [Try: …about Jake’s forgetfulness, the tests Jake’s doctor had performed, and the diagnosis. She got him an appointment…] for that afternoon. Jake and Mary packed up for the night and drove to the doctor’s office. They had room reservations at a nice hotel in that city because it would be too late to try to drive home in the snow. [Ruthlessly slash any “blow-by-blow” description of action or commentary that is not important in moving the story forward. What’s important here? Not that it’s a nice hotel, but that they’re facing a 100 mile drive, it’s snowing, they’ll have to spend the night. Try playing with some dialogue to get that across.] The doctor wanted to know everything so Mary told him it had started about four years ago and that they thought it was just loss of memory from aging. [This is one of those overly long sentences. While it’s not grammatically incorrect, it’s tiring to read. Try: The doctor wanted to know everything. Mary told him that the symptoms had started about four years ago. At first, she and Jake chalked it up to simple age-related memory loss.] But rRecently, it had gotten dramatically worse. Jake told him about the incident of forgetting two of the children. The doctor did all kinds of verbal tests and came to the same conclusion as his hometown doctor. He was totally honest with them both about what they should expect to happen in the coming months to years. [Dialogue and accurate, believable details would be good here. And doctors are expected to be “totally honest,” so it should go without saying.] It was painful for them both to listen to but they would face this demon head-on together.
Jake said, “OK [or Okay] Doc, what you are telling me is that I will forget everybody I love and everything that I have ever done. Also, [you’re saying] that I can be a serious danger to myself and those around me.”
“I am terribly sorry, Jake, but there’s no cure for Alzheimer’s,; the outcome is always the same. I understand you don’t want to be in a nursing home but maybe an assisted living home would be an option for the both of you. I don’t know what else to tell you except here’s a packet of info on your illness. [This phrase seems quite callous and dismissive. Kind of like: “You’re dying; I can’t help you, but you might be interested in this nice brochure.” Maybe: “Do you have any questions?” The doctor handed them an informational packet on Alzheimer’s Disease.] MaybeThere may be something in it that could be useful to you. I am really sorry, Jake.,” the doctor said.
Mary drove them back to the hotel and they sat there in silence for a while before Jake spoke. “Mary, we need to make some big decisions before I forget everything ,. cChances are I could forget I even have Alzheimer’s.” [Comma splice: Do not join two independent clauses with a comma; either use a period or a semicolon. See also: http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/fragments....]
Mary said, “I know sweetheart,. What do you think about this assisted living thing?” [Insert paragraph break when beginning with a new speaker.]
Jake thought about it for a few minutes and said, “I don’t think much of it, being all cooped up in an apartment all day long. …
Mary said, “Yes, I think so, it’s only a few days away. How about this,: from today forward, let’s treat each day as if it were out last,. lLet’s make each moment special.” Mary had tears in her eyes as she said it and so did Jake.
Jake softly said., “I have cherished every moment of this lifetime with you and I intend to do the same for however many days I have left. … Let’s go out to the hotel restaurant for dinner and maybe dance a little.” They held each other and kissed for a while and then got ready and went to dinner. They had steaks with potatoes [C’mon, make me taste them. Filet mignon, medium rare, with sautéed mushrooms, perhaps?] and had a glass or two of wine. [What kind of wine? Does it have a color or a name? Is it dry or sweet? Does it remind Mary of the first bottle of cheap wine they could ever afford to buy?] The piano player [or pianist] was playingplayed old love songs as Jake and Mary held each other close and slow danced. Jake tipped him [How about “slipped him a five dollar bill”?] on their way out ofas he and Mary left the restaurant. When they got back to the room, Jake asked her what she thought about getting their children and grandchildren a special gift just from him to open on Thanksgiving, because they didn’t know what condition he’s going to be in for Christmas. [Do this in dialogue; it’s too wordy and full of pronoun confusion this way. Try: “I’d like to get the kids something special, just from me, to open at Thanksgiving.” Jake’s voice cracked, just a bit. “I don’t know what kind of shape I’ll be in, come Christmas.”] Mary thought it was a wonderful idea and the next day, on their way home, they went shopping. She had to remind him about several of them [Several of them - what? Oh, the kids? Say their names. Which kids did he forget?] and helped him pick out something special for each of them.
The three days before the kids got there Jake and Mary spent a lot of time lying in bed talking about everything. He told her so many times that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and how much he lovesloved her. They took long walks along the countryside,; even though it was covered in snow, it was beautiful. In those days, heJake decided that this iswas where he wanted to die. This home and ranch was what he worked for all his life and he intended to live the rest of it here.
All of the kids and their kids got there on the same day and once Jake saw them, he remembered them all. [Suggestion: The children and grandchildren arrived on the same day. Once Jake…] …
… Mary called everyone inside, aswhere Jake handed each of them his special gift. He got hugs and kisses from everyone and visited with each of them till late in the evening. Jake asked that after they got the kids down for the night that they needed a family meeting. [Jake didn’t ask that they needed a meeting; he asked that they convene for a family meeting, or return to the living room for a family meeting - but he told them they needed the meeting.] …
Jake and Mary sat closely on the couch and held hands as they watched the group enter the room. All of their kid’skids’ spouses were there also but sat off to the side out of respect.
Daniel said, “OK, [or Okay,] Dad, tell us what’s wrong.”
Jake looked over at Mary for reassurance and strength and that helped him to be stronger than he felt at this moment.
Jake said, “You know we don’t keep secrets in this family so I won’t keep this from all of you but I don’t know how to tell you this.” He had a lump in his throat and was close to tears and said, “Guys I have Alzheimer’s and it’s in its late stages. I don’t know how much longer I will be in my right mind so I want you all to know how much I love you.” By the time he got through everyone in the room was crying and in total shock. They expected maybe cancer, something that they could fight. Not a death sentence of Alzheimer’s. They all gathered in close to their parents. Daniel and Henry were sitting at their fathers feet while Kara put her arms around him from behind. Dana sat on the arm of the couch beside him and Kelly sat by her mom with her arms around her. Everyone was openly sobbing and hanging onto each other for support. They were so devastated and shocked, nobody knew what to say or do. All they could do was cry. Daniel was not one to cry but this was too much even for him. He looked into his dad’s eyes and, laid his head on his dad’s knee, and cried like a child. [Watch out for sentences with multiple conjunctions. Can you eliminate wordiness and improve flow by using commas instead?] This was the most traumatic thing they had ever gone through as a family. … She turned around and broke down crying in her husband’s loving arms. Ben held her and let her cry for a few minutes. He wiped away her tears as everyone came into the kitchen.
Jake and Mary sat down at the table surrounded by their kids and their kids’ spouses and discussed the situation.
Mary said, “Kids, we have decided not to go in a nursing home. I say we because where Dad is, I am. …
Jake statedlet’s, “I really want to live out the rest of my life here on the ranch. It’s not the safest plan but if something happens to me here, I would leave this world happy. All we can do is make it safer for me. That’s what I really want to do.” [Insert paragraph break when beginning with a new speaker.]
… If Dad wanted to live the rest of his days here then they would do whatever it took to make it safer.
… We are going to have to hire someone to stay at night to watch over me or something.”
Kelly said, “I can come stay a week at a time and stay awake at night.” [Insert paragraph break when beginning with a new speaker.]
The rest of the siblings said they could also.
Mary said, “Guys we appreciate that but we don’t want to be a burden on you,. We can hire people to stay and you can also come stay and help out but we don’t want you to have to bear the whole burden of us.”
Jake said, “I agree with your mother,. I would rather have you here and enjoy the time I have with you than for you to be up all night and sleep all day. You understand?”
…
Daniel said, “You heard what Dad said and what he meant. He said he wants to live here till it’s his time and if an accident happens he would die happy right here at home.”
…
Dana said, “Let’s get some rest and tackle this in the morning. If one of you can stay up a few hours to watch out for dad then I can get up and do the rest of the night.” Henry’s wife, Lacey, said she was used to being up at night because of her job and would stay up.
…
… After breakfast, Jake said he wanted to go for a ride on his favorite horse, so Henry went down to the barn and helped Joseph saddle up several horses. Mary, Jake, Henry, Kelly, and Ben went for a long ride over the countryside. They had grown up here and, knew everything about this land, and loved it, even in the wintertime when all was covered in snow. The ride helped Jake to forget for a while [hah - maybe that’s not the best choice of words? Try: “…helped distract Jake from…”] his situation and he felt better than ever when they returned. …
… He told them each how proud he iswas of them and how special they arewere in his heart. It was a tearful goodbye but Jake needed them to know how he felt about them. … Jake sat down on a bailbale of hay beside her and said, “I am so proud of how far you have come from that wild little girl I remember. ...
“Daddy, I love you so much and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without your strong guidance and love.,” Dana said as she hugged him. …
… It seems like your mind is made up to stay here so we have to make it safe for you.,” Kelly said and turned to face him. …
…This is where I belong.,” Jake said.
“I know Daddy and I respect your decision. I’m just a little worried, that’s all.,” Kelly said as she started to tear up.
… They were both crying when he was done. They sat back down and waswere talking about his finances when Mary and Dana came in and sat down with them.
Jake said, “OK, [or Okay,] you know the house and everything here are paid for except for that truck out there, and we only owe another year on that. We have a boatload of insurance on me and that long-term care insurance. We can hire some people and not have to pay out a whole lot because we got the long-term care insurance. We have stocks, bonds and so many investments that I can’t keep track of them all. Kelly, you know your Mom doesn’t like dealing with the money stuff, so, if it’s OK [or okay] with her, I am putting you in charge of handling all of that. Is that OK, [or okay,] Mary?” Jake asked.
Mary laughed and said, “You know I’m no good with all that so yes, it’s OK [or okay] if she handles it.”
Jake looked over at Kelly and said, “I know I am putting a lot on your shoulders but I would like you for you to go over all of our assettsassets, insurance, and everything. I want you to make sure that your mom never wants for anything and I want to give each of you kids some money, also. When you get it all figured out let me know and I will sign the necessary papers. I don’t want to hear of any objections either, OK? [or okay?].”
“Yes sir, I understand, I can handle all of that.,” Kelly said, but wanted to object. HeJake [Wherever there might be pronoun confusion later, use the name.] wanted to make sure that everything would be OK [or okay] for his wife and children after he was gone and sheKelly understood that. “Dad if it’s OK [or okay] with you, whatever you give to me will go in a trust fund for my baby.” Kelly was trying to tell him something.
“Are you telling me that you and Ben are having a baby?” Jake asked.
“Yes we are,; I’m three months pregnant.,” Kelly exclaimed. Jake and Mary hugged her and said how proud they would be to have another grandbaby.
The whole next week Kelly and Dana were so busy that, if they didn’t have lists, they would have forgotten everything. Kelly put out the word at the local hospital and clinics that they were looking for certified nursing assistants and. wWithin the week they had interviewed about a dozen ladies. Jake helped pick the ones he liked and they hired four people. Between Kelly and Dana , everything got done for their dad’s care. … Each of the children werewas scheduled to be there at a different time s so that one of them would be there at all times. Before the girls left on their last day , Kelly went over all their [Unclear use of reflexive pronoun: does “their” refer to girls or parents?] finances with her parents. Dad had kept things pretty organized in his office so it was really easy [“really” is a weak adjective and adds little here.] for her to find everything. She told himJake how much life insurance was on himhe had and Mary was shocked at the amount. Kelly told him how much they had in stocks, bonds, IRAs, and investments. Mary never knew what they had ; she knew only that they were doing alrightall right. Jake told Kelly and everyone in the room how much he wanted to give to each of his children. They tried to object but he put his hand in the air to quiet them ,; he wouldn’t hear of any objections. … The girls left knowing that their older sister was in charge and he would be OK [or okay]. Kara called Kelly two days later to tell her that Dad [Capitalize “Dad” used as a name; lowercase “dad” when used as a noun: “her dad”] had a bad incident the night before. Kara said that Jake had woken [see http://www.bartleby.com/68/22/6422.html] up in the middle of the night, came out to the living room where the sitter was and didn’t have a clue where he was. … When Mary came in the room she tried to talk to him and; fortunately , he recognized her and calmed down a little. Kara said he didn’t have a clue [Slang; this will date the writing at some point. Plus, you used it just a couple of sentences prior to this.] who she was but Mary got him to take a pill to relax him. Kara said he was fine thisthat morning but just tired from the pill.
.. The last one he had Henry was there with him and it lasted for two whole days of Jake not knowing where he was or anybody around him except Mary. [This sentence structure is a bit of a mess. Don’t be afraid to break long sentences into more than one sentence, or independent clauses separated by a semicolon. Suggestion: During the last incident, Henry was with him. For two whole days, Jake had no idea where he was. He recognized no one but Mary.] During that spell they gave him a couple of shots [What was the drug? Did it sedate him, or was it just a punishment for his wanting to leave the house?] because he was adamant about leaving the house. …
… Just knowing this could be Jake’s last one with all of them made it more loving and emotional than normal. …
At about midnight Christmas night, Jake had gottengot out of bed, but this time he remembered where he was. …
At about five, Daniel was hungry, so he left Jake snoring in his [Daniel’s recliner, or Jake’s?] recliner and went into the kitchen. He started some coffee and made himself [“made him a plate of leftovers” is a colloquialism; if Daniel is making a plate of leftovers for Daniel, it is for “himself.”] a plate of leftovers. Meanwhile, Jake woke up to find himself alone in a strange place. He quietly slipped out the door into the cold Montana wind. Daniel came back into the room to find that his father was missing. andHe woke up everyone in the house and called the barn on the intercom to alert them that Jake was missing. Everyone got dressed warmly. and aAs Kelly opened the barn door, fear seized her heart. It was early morning. The sun was just beginning to peak [peak or peek?] over the treetops and a light snow was falling. A single set of tracks led from the barn down into the woods. Ben gathered the rest of the family and they set out into the woods to look for Jake. He wouldn’t last long in this freezing weather without the right protection, so they had to find him fast.
Meanwhile Jake had put a lot of distance between himself and the house. He had ranrun as fast as he could to get away from there but slowed down because the forest had gotten thick. He saw a big oak tree and decided to sit down on the opposite side of it for a minute just to rest. He was so cold all of thea sudden and curled up around himself to keep warm. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep by the oak tree.
Someone [who?] back at the house had called 911 while the rest of the family searched the woods. All you [Me? I’m the reader - I can’t hear anything; don’t drag me into the story this way!] could hear was them walking and calling Jake’s name. They must havehad been out there an hour and wasthey were deep into the forest when Kelly called out that she had found him. Daniel was the first to get there and kneeled down by his father’s side and tried to wake him. When he got no response Kelly checked everywhere for a pulse and when she couldn’t find one she fell backwards screaming, “No Daddy no, don’t leave me.” Everybody else got there about that time and checked him also but he was long gone by them. When Mary reached him, she was crying because she already knew. She knelt down beside him and took his face in her hands and lightly kissed his lips. She eased his face back down and fell into Daniel’s arms screaming and crying terribly. Everyone there was almost hysterical in their grief and didn’t know what to do except hold each other and cry. [I should be feeling more right about now; I’m sorry to say that I am reading this with a dispassionate tone, and feeling none of the emotions your characters are purportedly feeling, simply because I am not convinced. This is a good example of show vs. tell - you’re telling me that they’re grieving, and I know they would be, but I’m not seeing it in my mind. I can see Mary, but even there - the description is lukewarm.]
Daniel was consumed with grief and guilt because he was watching Jake when this happened. All he could think to do was get his mom out of the woods. He easily picked Mary up into his arms and carried her out of the forest. There was an ambulance and police at the barn when he walked out with Mary in his arms. He told them what had happened and the paramedic gave Mary a shot to help her sleep [Do paramedics really do this? I would think that unless Mary were truly hysterical or in some kind of medical danger, they would leave that to the family physician. Might check with an EMT on that detail. Mary strikes me as grief-stricken, not a woman in the midst of a breakdown or in particular need of a sedative.] before Daniel carried her to the house. Kelly and Dana were right behind him as the paramedics went to get jakesJake’s body from the woods. … All of them took turns sitting in the room with her and when she woke up, she realized it wasn’t a dream but a nightmare. … She told him she didn’t want him to feel guilty about what had happened, that; it could have been any one of them watching Jake when he walked away. …
… When they buried Jake, it was such a beautiful funeral but saying goodbye to him felt like someone was ripping their hearthearts out. To say the least it was torture.
The night after the funeral, Mary had a nervous breakdown. She just couldn’t handle it all. Mary was hospitalized for a few days but had to face it when she came back home. [This seems unrealistic to me; throughout the story, Mary has been full of quiet strength. She has had time to prepare for Jake’s death; it wasn’t a shock. Of course she’s depressed, but “nervous breakdown” requiring hospitalization strikes me as odd, for this character. I could sooner see the entire family hospitalized for exhaustion.] Everywhere she went she felt Jake’s spirit. …
… Everything was new and beautiful on the ranch. When Mary took long walks, she felt Jake’s spirit walking right beside her and would talk out loud [or “aloud”] to him when she was sure nobody was around to hear her. [They would probably think she was losing her sanity but she wasn’t. Is this something Mary thought, or just something you, the author, felt like interjecting?] Even though she couldn’t see or touch him, she knew he was right there for her always.
All in all, not a bad story of a loving, close-knit family dealing with the impending death of a husband/father/grandfather. You have tried to cover so much ground, here; you could expand this to fill a book, or tighten up the writing and focus on just a few incidents or details. Short stories cannot easily cover the last year or so of a man’s life in detail. But if you cut out the non-essential details and focus on the relationships, choose one or two highlights to deal with in depth, and sketch in only what’s really necessary of the background, you could have a great story here.
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I think using more specific, concrete, memorable images would help.
