This poem hits me especially hard, since I just finished reading Night by Elise Wiesel yesterday. This is beautiful in its sadness. I am especially saddened by that fact that although the World vows to never let an atrocity like this happen again, a different kind of holocaust is being waged, as we speak, in Sudan.
Thank you for writing such a thought provoking piece.
I must be completely honest, I really thought I was not going to like this poem. But it is creative and sing-songy, and I really enjoyed it.
I especially enjoyed this part-
icky
sticky
ooey
gooey
doughnuts.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading your other stuff.
Aww, this Poem makes me sad, thinking about my father and all of the stuff I put him through. But, has time moved on, I went back to the old ways of calling him Daddy again. You just give it some time, and I'm sure your child(ren) will come back to you as well. But they will probably always think your clothes are nerdy.
This poem has major potential, but at the present time, It is more prose like. There needs to be some omissions made, more line breaks, along with some spelling changes. I do love the message in what you write, but like I said, it does not roll off of the tongue in a poetic way.
Suggestions for line breaks:
As I feel my way through this maze
of confusion,
optical illusion,
my heart severs truth from
fiction,contradictions,
false prophets and
their false predictions
In dreams,
or in thoughts.
These things,
my life has brought.
Surviving by forgetting,
a habit self taught.
This is an extremely strong passage. This is certainly my favorite part of the poem. there are a couple things that stuck out at me. The use of Dreams multiple times, seems to distract me more than engage me.
and this part....
Of things that were,
that could have been,
and what I hope,
will never happen again.
it seems it would flow better if you took out the will never out of the last line and replaced it with
Man, I wanted this to be longer! I was getting sucked it. This is a very well written piece, and I will be making sure that I read some of your other things.
One comment, your final sentence,
"I called it a fatal shot to the heart as through tear filled eyes I gazed at a small square in my hand that I knew to be the picture of a young girl."
In my opinion, since the story is so short, the reader hasn't forgotten about the picture, so you could just cut out the "that I knew to be the picture of a young girl." and replace it with, I gazed at a small square picture in my hand.
I thoroughly enjoy the subject of this poem. You allow me to get an idea of what you are writing, without making it absolutely obvious.
If I may suggest, maybe some more line breaks and punctuation? Here is an example:
You cannot keep us from the truth.
You place the bar that says
"do not cross"
but we stand before you
the seekers of the truth,
destroyers of political lies.
Take down the barriers,
my long gone brother of the world.
These are just suggestions, but I do feel the poem would feel better with increased line breaks.
Keep writing!
Jess
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