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56 Public Reviews Given
58 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of A Normal Guy  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
*Fire* Hi Dr. J
This is a Power Shop review, courtesy of Missy ~ EnjoyingBeingAMommy Author Icon I’ll add my usual disclaimer, that all of the below is purely my own opinion. Take it or leave it as you see fit, I hope you find at least some of it useful. (It should be a good boost to your ego, at least.)
*Fire*


*Vine2**Vine1* *Leaf* *Vine2**Vine1* *Leafbr* *Vine2**Vine1* *Leafg* *Vine2**Vine1* *Leafo* *Vine2**Vine1* *Leafr* *Vine2**Vine1* *Leafy* *Vine2**Vine1*


*Fleurdelis* What leapt off the page: Um, all of it? This is hilarious! I was sniggering the whole way through. When Kate first answered the phone on that Sunday morning, I had no idea what to expect. Given your handle, I thought there may well have been an invasion. Then Neil is introduced - no, he doesn’t have bats in the belfry, but only because the bats couldn’t take it. A degree in physics, a bologna sandwich, and a pilot’s license. It says much about Neil’s character that these things are found together. The crusade against the Infidels was glorious chaos. I love the way Gramps was all ready to leap into action (before it was revealed that they were flies, of course). I like the way Kate goes along with everything. You can tell she has no clue what going on in Neil’s mind half the time, and may just be rolling her eyes when she does, but she plays along. What are we doing? The hula. Of course. What else would they be doing? I am curious. Did you make up the anti-hula law, or is it one of those weird and random laws some towns seem to have? (I wouldn’t ask, but I’ve heard of some pretty obscure ones. Perhaps Neil had an ancestor living there in 1974.) I like the way the cops deal with them – drop the ukulele and no one gets hurt! And Neil’s phases! They’re only briefly mentioned, but I can imagine. I would dearly love to read about the time he was allergic to the letter Q. On the other hand, wouldn’t a Tibetan monk cause less trouble? I was so sad when I got to the end, and found Neil behaving properly. I was expecting his incommunicado to be part of some new scheme. I also like the fact that while it is clearly aimed at teens, there is no reference to either popularity or romance. Sometimes it seems that some authors think for a book to be classified as young adult, it must contain the shy, nerdy girl ending up with the popular guy, or vice versa. Congratulations for avoiding that. I could go on ad nauseum, but let’s just say that anything I don’t specifically mention later, was amazing. (As I write: Despite this cap, this section persists on expanding.)

*Fleurdelis* Writing technicalities: You’d hardly think this needs saying, but judging by a vast number of items, apparently it does. You had no grammatical or spelling errors. Well done! It took an extremely thorough examination to expose the one remaining typo: That looks like a fly to me.” – No “ at the start. I do like the wide vocabulary, and it’s incorporated, for the most part, seamlessly. The writing is entertaining, fast paced, and well thought out, and I love all the little turns of phrase. The characters, especially Kate and Neil, are well developed. I can picture them clearly, the hyperactive, way too imaginative teenage boy, and the slightly more mature girl who knows the only way to deal with him is to just go with the flow. To quote Kate: “I reminded myself to question nothing.” The dialogue was a major part of this story, and held up its end admirably. “Food is an integral part of mischief, madness, and mayhem after all.” Even without a tag, this is clearly Neil. A well executed section of dialogue (or action) tells volumes more about a character than any long list of telling. You’ve certainly made the most of that here. I do like that while you’ve described everyone marvellously, especially Neil, you’ve included nothing about their physical appearance. (The big policeman is an exception, but his size and police-ness would be the teens’ main impression of him.) Not only is nothing lost, and the story flows so much better than if paragraphs inserted everywhere giving the precise shade of Kate’s hair, and the hue of Neil’s eyes.

*Fleurdelis* What wasn't so great: While I am fully appreciative of large and obscure words, and the long sentences they necessitate, there were a few places near the start where it was a bit overdone. (Yes, that sentence was intentional. And yes, I have a tendency to long sentences, too.) Namely, the two paragraphs describing Neil, after the first two sections of dialogue. The big words, combined with the length of the sentences, meant I started to get a bit lost. However, those were the only spots I noticed the style gone wild.
The ending confused me a little. I understand that it was meant to show that Neil and Kate were growing up, but it seemed a bit ambiguous. It was unclear whether Kate was commiserating with Neil on his finally realising he had to mature, or whether it had been a failed experiment on Neil’s part, and he would be back to his tricks by the next day. I hope it’s the latter, because if it were the former, it seems far too complete and sudden. I think Neil should grow up to be one of those people who joins in with kids game and pranks at the slightest opportunity, the uncle who gives his nieces and nephews all the ill-advised, but endlessly fun, ideas for games. “Johnny, why did you paint the cat blue?” “Uncle Neil said...”


*Fleurdelis* General pedantic-ness: At the start, Kate assumes it is an infidel invasion, but at that point, Neil hasn’t used the term. Given the way the story plays out, and that Kate had no idea what particular game was being played, it seems strange that she would pick the exact word as Neil.
When the cops pull them over, Neil “draws an eyebrow.” I’m not entirely sure what you mean. Is he scowling? But with only one eyebrow? I’m confused.


*Fleurdelis* Parting comments: Is there a short story, internet friendly version of the term page-turner? If there is, please apply it to your story. A Normal Guy was well written, hilarious, and obviously has had a lot of work go into it. I would happily read more of Neil and Kate.

         Keep writing *Reading*
                   Jess

*Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5**Bullet**Vignette6**Bullet**Vignette5*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for writing this article. It's really helpful, especially your example. Now I want to read Captain Woods' story.
I've just done an interview for one of my characters, based on this. I hope you don't mind that I've nicked some of your questions.
Jess
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#1802468 by Not Available.
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked this. It is well written, and I especially like the concept of unamenti, and your take on coloured magic. However, you need to be very careful to avoid cliche, as you have a female rider, disguised as a boy, who is a noble on the run, with magical powers, and who will no doubt perform some great and daring feat. Don't get me wrong, I like the story, you might want to keep an eye on that, though. Re your authors note, I didn't find the vocab confusing. Yes, there were a lot of made-up words, but they made sense in context, and the ones that needed to be explained you explained. I also like your use of a not quite human main species. Lastly, just to be pedantic, how do the serpents saddles stay on? You mentioned saddle-straps, but I would imagine the snake's weight sliding on scales at high speed over rough ground would cause a tremendous amount of friction and wear to the strap.
Overall, very good, and I would definitely keep reading if this were a novel.
Keep writing.
Jess
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good. The twist at the end caught me. I was wondering why she liked having his name so much, when he was such a cheet, but you cleared that up nicely. Good job.
Jess
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like this. Particularly how you've given each of the vampires their own personality and talents. Although it seems as though you left out the first line. You say nothing could be further from the truth, but don't let us know until the end of the paragraph what truth you were refering to. Also, some sentences are crying out for commas. I tip I've been given is to read your story out loud, and where you find you need a break, insert a comma or a full stop. But overall, very good. I especially like the fact that Benito was unable to prove he owned his money, because he was a vampire. (The fact that the office building burned down mysteriously, very fitting. Good on you for not overstating it.)
I'd like to see more of these three.
Jess
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Review of Terra  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yes, it definitely is funny. I love the Princess Bride reference. That was the first thing that came to mind when I saw Pumperpink's name. The characters are good, although Miranda and Rosa's progression from wimp and bully to friends is a little sketchy. I do like the whole fairy tale satire idea, though. Good job.
Jess
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Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is really, really good. I like how you've written it, very matter of fact. If you were leaving a warning for people, you wouldn't want to clutter it up with unneccessary stuff. I assumed when I started reading that when the internet died, that would be that, and everyone would have to just get by without. But I think you really captured something of how people work - yes, last time we did this it almost destroyed our civilisation and killed thousands, but we've fixed it now. Also, good on you for allowing your main character to be completely normal and die like everyone else. Very well done.
Jess
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Review of An Exotic Pet  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very, very good. I spent the whole story trying to work out what Ugly was. Was he a hairless dog? Was he some sort or strange alien? Never did I suspect that it was the narrator who wasn't human. Brilliant.
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good. I particularly like the description in the first paragraph, and that Verian and Darius aren't highly dramatic, as their type of character often is. The names are all quite similar, though, and it can be a bit confusing: Darius, Gorian, Verian, Veraia, the last two especially. There is also a typo (I'm assuming) near the end of the second chapter, where 'Darian shook his head adamantly'. You've included lots of hints and hooks as to what is going to happen, with the special girl and the traitor. I also like the fact that despite not knowing about the Illarian and Shadow courts, she still comes from their world, not ours. Good job on checking spelling and grammar before posting.
Keep writing.
Jess
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Review of Grim Dragoneye  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the idea you have here, it promises a very interesting story. You might want to go over the grammar though, as there are a few places where it interrupts the flow of the story. Looking forward to the rest of the tale.
Jess
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Cole
I'm assuming the new merlin is Dresden (I've only read up to White Night, so I'm not sure). I like that you've just used the world of the Dresden files, rather than its main characters. As I said, I'm not quite sure where in the chronology this is set, but I would have thought that the White Council would still be pretty scarce on numbers. Sending 45 wizards, including thirteen wardens, seems a bit excessive. Unless it's a really big threat? Maybe you could expand a bit on that. Also, I finished reading without knowing anything much about your main character, other than that he's got a bit of Harry Dresden's attitude. But overall, I like it, and am curious as to what it actually was that attacked them.
Jess
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's official, I love your writting style. You are hilarious.
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Review of The Suitcase  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yea, most definitely. I do so like your imagery and wording. Very, very funny. I barely stopped laughing at one thing before the next arrived, and I certainly never expected to see the phrase corpus callosum outside anatomy class. Wonderful story. One thing, though. I'm a bit confused with the ending, posibly because I haven't seen the movie you're refering to, but what was it that Bertie & Gertie were up to?
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think it's definitely a good beginning. I'm interested to see what Thaton has planned, and what created the steps. I like the characters you've created, and how you've hinted at who the bad guys and good guys are without being blatent. One thing, though. Paragraphs 2 to 4 flow together, with characters and events from one blending into the next, while apart from Baron's interest in engineering and space, it seems to stand alone. Other than that, good job, please write more.
Jess
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Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like it. I'm guessing it's a first draft, as there were quite a few grammar errors, but I love the story. I was laughing the whole way through. Please, write more.
Jess
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Review of goin' postal  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeska Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love this, it is hilarious! It makes me wonder what would happen if someone actually did chop down there letter-box.
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