Dear Izzy,
Firstly, allow me to thank you again for inviting me to review your story, "Autism (Don't Define A Person) "  . The following views are purely my own, but I hope you find them constructive and useful!
Story line: Budding love between two young people. The love described here is gentle, unassuming, and oh-so-sweet. It stems from a chance encounter, which then develops into a friendship. Beautiful storyline!
Characters:
Madison Harper: Her character is different from the usual, 'run-of-the-mill' teenage girl in that she suffers from non-verbal autism. This is a very interesting spin to put on a character, and there is a lot of scope for character development - i.e. how does the autism affect other aspects of her life? Madison is portrayed as "the social outcast" and therefore seems to have little self-confidence. In consequence, she tends to shy away from attention. However, beneath the quiet-girl exterior lurks a fun-loving personality - as evidenced by her love of dancing! Despite probably having been hurt by her other friends, she still has faith in people, as she was clearly willing to let Niklas in after he had "proved himself" to her by standing up for her.
Niklas Kronwall: I have pictured him as a dashing young man who is slightly older than Madison. As an aside, I do wonder why he is described as having "an oval-shaped head" - it seems a rather strange way to describe his facial features, but that may just be me! He is portrayed as: kind, gentlemanly, chivalrous, friendly, understanding, etc. A picture of the modern-day young hero!
Jason: As the antagonist, he is mean and shallow. He also seems to have a violent temper that flares up at the slightest provocation. Perhaps it is he who has a "sickness" - a mental one!
Writing style: For the most part, this story is narrative/descriptive. Your writing style is crisp and clear, which is perfect for storytelling. You use words very concisely and precisely. I loved your use of capital letters and bold font to represent sign language - very apt and creatively done.
Setting: The whole story takes place in Madison's new school, which is not named. Within the school, the main settings described are the corridor where the students' lockers are, the nurse's office, and the room where they danced. Upon re-reading the story for the third time, I realise that none of these settings are described in great detail. However, because you have chosen a school as your main setting, I do not think that lack of detail as to setting poses much of a problem, as most readers would be familiar with the layout of a school (or their own schools) and would therefore have that in mind when reading your story - as I did.
My favourite parts:
"Madison was so beautiful in that moment. Her curly blond hair flying around her like a cape, her blue eyes shining like stars in the sky, the smile on her face was the sunshine of the room.
Suddenly Madison came skipping up to him and held out her hand. She was inviting him to dance with her.
Niklas knew what she wanted, but he instead took her hand and kissed it. "
I felt that the lines above were extremely well written and described. As a reader, I was put into Niklas's shoes, and could envisage Madison from his perspective.The act of kissing Madison's hand, as opposed to, say, kissing her mouth, etc, again reinforces the notion of sweet, innocent love. It also portrays Niklas as a young, chivalrous, gentleman - who certainly knows how to treat a lady!
"As he held her close, Niklas remembered his dad’s words when talking to him about autism: “Autism doesn’t define a person; the love in their heart does.” "
The message here is simply... beautiful.
Grammar, spelling, punctuation and general errors: There were just a few, very minor ones spotted:
(i) They looked at her like she was some kind of disease.
(ii)The reason for all this hate was that Madison had autism.
(iii)“Hey, you alright?”, a kind voice asked.
(iv) “Well, Madison, it’s nice to have you here. Are you new here?”
(v) “Niklas? What happened?” Nurse Rajaniemi asked, coming into the room.
(vi) Ms. Diamond hugged her back...
(vii) She loves coming in here so she can dance without being made fun of.
(viii) Niklas vowed to love, care for, and protect her.
Suggestions: I have just a few suggestions for you Please Click ▼
i. Consider giving the school a name, and perhaps describing the various settings in slightly more detail.
ii. Timeline: It seems to me that all of this happens in the span of one day. She meets him in the morning, and by lunch time they are already confessing to love each other. Whilst I certainly agree that teenage romances take off very quickly, I do feel that the span of one day is slightly too soon to be saying the L-word (or maybe this is the cynic in me speaking!). My suggestions would be either to write it as a "deep connection" as opposed to "love" or to consider prolonging the timeline such that the dance scene only happens a few months after their meeting. You could then develop the romance.
iii. Throughout the story, Niklas is portrayed as a calm, level-headed gentleman but the words he utters after punching Jason does sound slightly out-of-character: "She did nothing to you, you scumbag. I hope you rot in a fiery furnace"
iv. The presence of Ms Diamond should be explained further - why would Madison's teacher from her old high school show up at her new one? Also, Ms Diamond says "She loves coming in here so she can dance" - however, if this was a new school she was in, that statement would not hold true.
Overall impression: This was a really good short story. My only concern, as outlined above, is that the plot developed far too quickly. I am not sure if this was written for a contest or if this was a free piece, but if you have the opportunity you should develop this further, perhaps into a novel or a longer story, so that the plot can be further developed and the interaction between the characters can be further highlighted.
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece - once again, thank you very much. You have a lovely style of writing, so please write more!!
Best wishes,
Jess |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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