What an interesting story! I was waiting to find out which boy was the father, but you didn't give me a clue.
I like the way you developed the characters; are they real people?
I also like the way you used parallelism to develop the story and hold the interest of the reader.
Good work.
Hello,
I found your story very impressive. It held my attention from beginning to end. I am reminded of the often used phrase "A real page turner, you won't be able to put it down." Your story creates a level of tension and holds it through to the end. I would like to see some of the tension resolved near the ending, although I can offer no advice as to what the resolution would be. If this is a true story, I offer my condolences. It is enough of a tragedy to lose a baby, but ever more so to learn that your own actions contributed to the loss, no matter the contributing cause. Your story is well written.
Jim
Hi,
A very thought provoking story. I think you have done a great job of capturing the said trend in our society; a young girl saddled with her pregnancy, a young father who refuses to take any responsibility for the consequence of his actions, and an abusive parent who refuses to take responsibility of caring for her child. Of course, the girl bears some responsibility of getting pregnant, but --and here is only my opinion, I'm a man, and cannot speak for the feelings and intentions of women, adolescent or older--seldom, does a young woman set out to get pregnant. I think she most likely falls into the trap of loving or wanting loving in return of a man and acquiesces to his desires.
You say you are not a very experienced writer. Well, I'd like to see your writing when you gain some experience!
A very well-written story and a great capture of a situation that seldom draws the attention of those would help if only they knew. Fortunately, Zoey's aunts were among those having an open mind and the sympathy to care for her in spite of her situation.
I hope more people read your story and have their eyes opened to this issue.
Thank you for tackling this difficult subject and dealing with it in such a responsible way.
Jim
HI,
You have written a sweet, poignant poem about dealing with the loss of a loved one. Even though you know they are in a better place, you still grieve the loss. There will always be a place in your heart for that person and you will never give up missing them.
A really good description of the feelings one suffers when someone is gone. Was this poem perhaps inspired by someone you lost?
Great work, well written, a pleasure to read.
Jim
Hi,
With apologies to the Star Wars character, Yoda: Stink, I think not.
I think the reason for many views and few reviews is where your story is positioned; between those with blinders about sexual feelings and actions, and those disappointed that you have not been more graphic in your description. So what's to review?
I think you have done a great job in describing human sexuality in such a way that the receptive mind can envision and vicariously enjoy the joining of two people in coitus. Others, sadly, are missing the enjoyable experience.
Jim
Hi,
I enjoyed your story. I liked the way you developed Yuuta and the setting. From the start when it seemed Yuuta was sure to receive some kind of harsh treatment, to the middle where a gentler man than most in the audience took over Yuuta's fate, then to the end, which surprised me, where Yuuta is reunited with his lover.
A most interesting story, indeed. Your writing is very creative.
Jim
Hi,
Your comment about someone always finding something to relate to in your work reminds me of the ubiquitous comment that no one will buy what I put up on eBay.
But, there's always somebody!
I enjoyed your poem. I could relate to it because I had a similar thing happen to me. In my case a good friend left and with them went all of her words.
I didn't really understand the line about seeing kids writing and wanting them to remember what they wrote.
Nonetheless, I think your work is excellent. You told a story about an often repeated happening between two people in a most interesting way.
Jim
Hi,
Such a sad poem. It well describes the depression that affects so many people, myself included. It is such a joy when the fog, every once in a while, lifts and I can, for a short time, enjoy the outside world. But, alas, it is short-lived and then I turn inward again.
My experience aside, the poem is very good. In just a few lines you are able to paint a picture that many people do not know exists.
Keep up the work,
Jim
Hi,
I read your poem several times. I'm not sure I understand all of the imagery in your poem, but that's because my perspective may be very different from yours. Your work, as it stands, is very beautiful. I think it tells a story that the living should remember the best from the departed and celebrate the life they lived.
The mark of a good poem is that the reader take something away after reading it. It may not be what you intended, but that's alright. Many pictures can be painted using the same brush.
Keep up the good work,
Jim
Hi,
Such emotion, such angst, such a loss. Your poem captures the essence of what it means to lose one you never new could mean so much. I can relate a little to the feelings you describe. I knew a woman whom I did not know meant so much to me until she was no more.
You either have great insight into what it means to lose someone such as you describe, or have experienced the loss yourself.
Whatever the impetus, I'm glad you were able to put it into words.
Your poem was very easy to read and kept my attention from beginning to end.
I know it's hard to continue writing with such emotion, but I hope you do.
Jim
Hi,
Your story relates how I felt when I first started giving presentations about work I had done or about information I needed to pass on. I would get up in front of the audience and my mouth would dry up, I would start hyperventilating, and I would start talking really fast.
Like Lucy, I had the person in the audience who was judging me, my boss, but he wasn't the shadowy figure that Lucy had.
I'm not quite sure what to make of Lucy's shadowy figure. It could be her subconscious checking on her performance. Or, it could be someone in the past judging her performance. I don't know.
And that's what makes your story so intriguing. I'm left with two observations. One is, in spite of her apprehension, she made a successful presentation. And two, who is the shadowy person and what happens now that the presentation is over?
Your story meets the criteria of "Leave them guessing, just a little."
Your story is well written, easy to read, and kept my attention all the way through.
Thanks for your work. Keep it up.
Jim
Hi,
A moving story about how a teacher, especially one with high expectations of her students, can affect a young person. It has been shown time and time again that young people without a mentor or coach more easily go down the wrong path. Ms. Thomasin took the time and the trouble to instill in her students self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-discipline. Attributes that will stay with her students their whole life and help them take the high road in life. And maybe on the way, help a few others in need of some mentoring and guidance to take the right road as well
A timely and well written story that needs to be told to every teacher and young person.To a teacher; learn to be a mentor and look for those needing a mentor. To a young person; seek out a mentor as early as you can and take whats given to heart.
Again, I can't say enough about your story. You have a gift and I wish that you use it well.
Jim
Hi,
Well, I neither hate it nor despise it, and I neither love it nor cherish it. I believe that your words describe a situation that, unfortunately, is prevalent in today's society. I am sad to say it but that's what I felt like when reading your words.
As far as the work is concerned, It was smooth reading and I didn't find anything to get it the way, i.e., speed bumps. I like the work and I wonder what you think of it.
Jim
I know where you are going with this poem. I found the intensity of this poem a little off-putting. The metaphors seemed a bit too far away from the subject. But, it's your work, and if you wanted the intensity and the stark metaphors, so be it. The poem still stands alone, understandable, and smooth reading. I do wonder what, "A conflagration of" refers too. It seems to hang and doesn't seem to have any relationship to the next line, "To be liberated."
Overall the poem clearly delivers the message. A good piece of work.
Jim
Hi,
You say this is a satire; I call it reality. You have done a fine job in capturing what is really going on with professional sports salaries and the devotion of fans to their favorite teams. You take a shot at the pay of professional athletes, but the same is true of the price of fan gear. Someone's making a killing on the backs of fans who would support their teams anyway.
I like the way this poem puts things together. I enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing
Jim
Hello, You asked how the ellipses made me feel. Well, my feeling is one of suspense. I use ellipses myself in my writing to create suspense and encourage the reader to fill in the gap. The story itself is really reflective of the advice given to many. Let someone you love who wants to explore other things go. I they love you they will come back. I enjoyed the story and the element of suspense you added by the ellipses.
Jim
Wow, I can so identify with your work. I have been investigating internet addiction. Particularly, the case where a model and admirer meet. The admirer falls in love with the model, but to the model he is one of maybe hundreds of others. The model is initially attracted to the admirer, but as the connection heats up, the model leaves to work with other less intense admirers.
You have written an excellent poem. Excellent in its own right as a poem, and excellent in the message it can send to a host of others.
I applaud your work.
Jim
A great story with multiple facets. One is the foolishness that we all display when we think we can get the upper hand on nature. In this story, it was a man who thought he knew the way to his car and decided to continue. In other examples, someone lost in the woods. Rather than stay in one place and await help, they take off thinking they know the way out of the woods.In the end everything looks the same and they realize they don't know where they are. In your story, the man stopped, realized he didn't know where he was, could go no further and was finally rescued. The other facet I see is the amazing capacity of the human mind. In the face of having two limbs amputated, his mind makes up the vision of a woman claiming half of him, namely the limbs that were amputated.
A fascinating story that captured my attention. I missed the meaning of the woman until the very end. The element of mystery.
Your story is well written. I look forward to reading more of your other work.
Jim
Hi,
You wanted to know my first impression. I was drawn into the poem, I wanted to know the story behind the words. One line jumped out: "If I pull the trigger." After thinking about it for a while, I believe you are saying if you commit suicide you will never know what could have been.
Write more, my friend.
Jim
Hi,
Your story held my interest and I was really surprised at the ending. How foolish Kelly must have felt. Not only was Stacey her best friend, but she had shared with Stacey her entire experience with Oliver. And now, what was Stacey going to share with Oliver? And then there is having to work with him in the chemistry class.
A great story and a good read. I hope you write some more.
Jim
I can't give you the review this works deserves. Unfortunately, I do not write poetry and I am unfamiliar with your subject. But I am captivated by the underlying message of someone coming to the end after living a full life.
Thanks. Keep writing.
Hi, I enjoyed your story. Most of my comments are cosmetic, except the misspelled word, and if they were ignored, the story is still acceptable.
“…seep into the…” It seemed to me that the rejection, etc., would be coming “out of “ the recesses.
“…But on to my recent…” I felt it would be better to refer to going “back” to your recent experience. It matches the past tense of the rest of the paragraph.
“…his behaviour alarmed…” behavior is misspelled.
“…said. Had some time…” I believe it needs a noun. “He had some time”
“…someone. Wanted to…” The same as above except change to “someone and he wanted”
“…best. Didn’t…” The same as above. Change to “best. He didn’t” or “best and he didn’t”
“…again and just had…” I believe it should read “again and I just had”
“…was! The amount of times…” I think it read better if “…was, in spite of the number of times…” I don’t have any good reason to suggest this other than it’s smoother to my ear.
Now to the story. Wow, the situation is different but the essence of your story describes my situation. Your story not only describes your particular situation, but you have also managed to describe the essence of one of the tragedies that has become so common in this connected cyberworld. The other, of course, is luring young girls into the hands of a pedophile. It is my belief that Internet relationships that do not lead to some contact between the two people result in no relationship or, as in the case of your story, a less than satisfactory relationship. Both with a lot of pain and hurt.
What can I say? A beautiful poem with a powerful message. You have such an ability to capture the emotion of love and relationships. I guess I can say; I love your work. Please keep writing.
An excellent example of iambic pentameter(I hope that's right). You maintain the rhyming pattern of aabb through out. I am not a writer of poetry, but I study the mechanics and enjoy the message.
I enjoyed your poem. It tells the story of what to do when you're not quite sure whether to make the leap into a relationship with someone you love. To many people let the head rule the heart and fail to enjoy what could be.
To my eyes and ears, you are well on your way to become an accomplished poet.
Keep on writing. I would enjoy reading more from you.
Your story describes a devastating event that happens to many people who share a deep love for one another. They say that love blinds all what's in the moment. While there, the gifts that they share are not spoken but they are known deep in the subconscious. When one loses the other, the gifts come welling up and you recognize you never shared them with the other. It is so tragic that one cannot force these ephemeral gifts to the conscious mind where will eventually be shared during the relationship.
A powerful story with a surprise ending. I thought all along that the other person had left this earth, only to find out they had only left the relationship. Nonetheless, the pain and grief are there just as if the other person had left this earth.
Your writing is superior and moving. Please continue..
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jeshimp
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 1:27pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
