Hi DeNine,
I enjoyed the description of Kyle entering into the afterlife. I think that part demonstrates your strongest writing in this piece. You slow things down, and let the reader see through Kyle's eyes, which is exactly what a first-person narrative ought to do. I also like the cliffhanger at the end; the contract being in Latin and the ambiguity of the ink being blood is a nice touch, though I do wonder how an underachieving high schooler would recognize the former.
You've probably heard the rule: show, don't tell. I think you've done a great deal more telling than showing in this piece. I realize that rule can seem grandiose and annoyingly daunting, but I believe it to be critically important. Here is an example of what I mean:
[I got out and heaved my backpack with me. It would have been nice to hit the Jaguar, might show that jerk Josh Walker. But then again, I'd probably have had to pay for it. Might have crushed my old crappy car too. I shrugged my backpack over my shoulder and slammed the car door with a sigh, another Monday. I really hated Monday's, but then again, who didn't?]
The point of this paragraph seems to be to establish Kyle's disdain for his bully, Josh. The "show, don't tell" rule could be invoked here to say, let's show Kyle's disregard for Josh's car. Have him careen up next to it, have him leave a tiny scratch in the paint when he opens his car door, have some kind of interesting physical interaction take place, either real or imagined, that conveys Kyle's feelings toward Josh without explicitly stating it. If the rule is to be followed, then the reader can, and should, be put to task connecting the dots provided by the imagery. You need only provide the imagery, not the conclusion. This is the first step to making your writing much more engaging. Bearing that in mind, here's an example re-write illustrating my point:
[The bright red paint of Josh's jag invited the pointy tip of my car key. I imagined the color disappearing from his square face, and his disproportionately small eyes swelling to the size of quarters, upon finding my initials inscribed above the gas intake. Alternatively, the crime could be kept anonymous, and a jaunty lightning bolt could go in lieu of my initials. But, as they say: no guts, no glory. After ample pondering, I decided to postpone my funeral and head into class.]
In my version, it is never explicitly stated that Josh is a jerk, but the reader can infer as much. It also provides opportunity to describe what Josh looks like, start to put a face to the name, which goes further in helping solidify Kyle's feelings. We also get a peek into Kyle's head and get a taste for his daring.
Of course, in providing this example, I've put my own spin on who this character is. I'm not telling you to adopt my spin, just to consider how my version might "show" more than yours, regardless of whether its a better representation of what you intended to write. Hopefully that helps! |
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