Didn't entirely know what to make of that ending. Or the title for that matter. However you did build up some good tension throughout the story. A few criticisms:
"it gave her chills that made the hair on her arms stand up" - Tired horror cliche. I know that and I don't read horror, but I advise you against using that. Avoid mentioning hairs on the back of the neck as well.
"shuddered, feeling cold deep in her bones and thinking of death" - this seems a bit inappropriate, and you don't really offer a full explanation of it.
"It felt like someone was watching her and suddenly she was scared" - another cliche. Avoid.
"Deep down Margaret knew what she had to do" - I think deep down is a bit inappropriate here. Deep down should be reserved for denied feelings or forgotten aspirations. Not for a decision whether to pick up the phone or not.
Overall it is a good attempt, and the tension is good, but the ending is disappointing. To manage two entirely different tones is a delicate skill, and I'd suggest doing one well to begin with.
Damn that's some good writing. That's among the best entries I've read on this site and to be fair it's among the best writing I've ever read. The story is set up very well and my interest was maintained until the end. I was entertained and amused in equal measure.
The only criticism I can make is that you could stand to lose a few words here and there. For example: "Each thunderous, potentially bone-crushing punch sprayed beads of sweat in all directions." Would sound just as good as "Each thunderous punch sprayed beads of sweat in all directions. However, this may be a stylistic choice of yours so I'll leave that up to you.
I like the concept of these stories but I don't find them all as convincing. The wedding story is very well done, as is the hospital one, but the other two I don't quite see the motivation for him retiring from being a hitman and her recovering from drug addiction.
In particular I think the revelation that she is a drug addict comes straight out of the blue. There needs to be a greater suggestion of it previously. A small point to consider: hitmen usually do not threaten hundreds, they will kill a small number of important people, unless what you had in mind was more of a thug.
Keep writing though. The concept is great and if you keep thinking of more like these you'll effortlessly draw the reader in.
Decent stuff. I would say that the sentence "He was going to die..." is unnecessary, in my view that paragraph would look better without it. Also I'd question the likelihood of someone surviving an hour with a punctured lung, but I'm no medic.
On the other hand there is an easy, entertaining tone in this that I noticed in The Night Watch. Keep that up, just tighten the prose a bit more.
I thought that was brilliant. I like the tone of the whole narrative, but what was more noticeable was how the characters came out through just the use of dialogue. Personally I would like to see this made into a longer story. Already I'd connected to most of the characters.
I enjoyed this, although I felt you could have said what you needed to more succintly. I found the pacing of the story to be a little uneven, with the start being a bit too slow. On the other hand, the build up to the ending was very well written, and the narrator's character and point of view were very well expressed. The characterisation was handled very well throughout, although I feel you could have exploited the lense of the narrator a bit more, allowing his opinion to sway things to less stereotypical extremes. For example, the "steroid pumped jock" is very stereotypical of jocks. What we need is a more cutting and philosophical analysis of them, which we came to expect from Charlie after the opening. Keep writing though, I look forward to reading more.
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