Title: Vampire Vacation
Chapter: Chapter Two
Author: C. J. Ellisson
Plot: There isn’t a whole lot of plot, just Vivian preparing for the new guest, yet it works just fine. The pacing is good, not too slow at all despite the slight lack of action in this chapter. I must say, Viv’s dirty mind is hot. I’m very interested in this sexy blood donating.
Style & Voice: I still hate that you went with present tense. I feel like I’m having a phone conversation instead of reading a book. Other than that, everything is fine.
Referencing: So companions are food in your version, alrighty. (In most cases I know of, companions are equal to mates, so that why I was a little confused before.)
Scene & Setting: More description please. I’d like to know what everything really looks like, from the hotel to the employees. You give a little bit of description and I fill in the rest with my imagination, but I’d rather have a clear picture. So far, I’m imagining the hotel is huge, like a castle, with multiple wings and stories. Yet that doesn’t really tie in with an Alaskan setting. I pretty sure there aren’t any castles in Alaska.
Characters: Vivian sounds like a sex addict, but she’s a vampire, so it’s to be expected. The bit about her real name seems kind of random and think it would be better if just leave her name as Vivian, unless her real name becomes important later in the story.
Grammar: Two things I noticed that you need to watch out for. One, you tend to add tags to your dialogue that make it seem as though the wrong person is speaking. For example, you tend to say “She…” when it should be “I…” or better yet, no tag. Two, you tend to repeat words with in the same paragraph, and sometimes even within the same sentence. Delete or replace repeated words with synonyms. Again, my suggested corrections are in pink or blue, and my comments are in red.
My Overall Opinion: I still LOVE this so far. I want to experience this intimate blood donating, and I can’t wait to see the “show” Vivian puts on for her guest. I do have some questions I’m hoping will get cleared up in the next few chapters. Like, why aren’t the human employees afraid to work there when they know what the vampires are? I’m assuming it’s because they get some fornication as a bonus, but not every employee can see this as a good thing. Vivian puts way too much trust in the humans to allow them to donate directly and have intimate relations with the guest. A million things could go wrong, and Vivian sounds like a smart woman who cares a lot about her job. I don’t think she would risk jeopardizing her hotel like that. That’s just one thought floating in my mind, there are others, but I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume my questions will be answered as I read on.
Line by Line:
“Yes, but also up here for an issue in room six. How long have you been on this floor today?” She looks at me with a question in her eyes, perhaps wondering about the issue I’ve mentioned but answers quickly enough.~15~ When you first read this, it seems like Iona is speaking. I had to re-read it to make sure it was in fact Vivian who spoke. Maybe clear that up by adding something like: I paused, waiting for her response. She looks at me with a question in her eyes…
“I’m just doing a walk through to check that the requested items the MacKellan’s requested are in place.”~20~ ”Requested” sounds repetitive in this sentence. I crossed out the first one, but feel free to edit as you see fit.
“Ah yes, the six-pack of Perrier and the Moet Chandon White Star. That would be in the mini fridge in room seven?” She nods in agreement. “I’ll check for it on my way back.” She hesitates I was about to continue down the hall, but I noticed Iona hesitate like she has something to add.~21~ Again, I know this is Vivian speaking, but it sounds like it’s Iona speaking because after the dialogue you put “she hesitates” and “she nods”. The edit in pink is just a suggestion to give you an idea of what might work better.
She flushes blushes from the acknowledgement. Iona is attractive and the flush blush draws my eye attention to her robust good health. She looks me straight in the eye, a blatant invite in the supernatural community towards a vampire. I draw in my breath, surprised.~23~ First, I replaced “flush” with “blush” because “flush” always makes me think of a toilet and not pretty rosy cheeks. Second, I replaced the first “eye” with “attention” because “eye” sounded reparative. Third, is it just me or is Vivian sexually attracted to every living creature?
My hand makes contact with Iona’s starched uniform shirt and I slip into her mind. It appears that she hopes to be chosen to donate blood. I can see that she is not repulsed or afraid. She is aware of what our guests are and feels a strong family tie to me. In her mind I am like a great aunt, holding a position of respect and kindness in her heart. The desire to experience what some of the others have revealed to her in bits and pieces is at the forefront of her thoughts. In her earlier actions of staring into my eyes, she had innocently offered herself to me, unaware that I do not normally feed from employees.~26~ Hmm, interesting.
“Yes, my great aunt spoke of her very well.” I say, keeping to the ruse that my ‘aunt’ ran it first. The employees have told a tale every fifteen to eighteen years that has kept us safe. After the founder, a niece and her husband ran it, and now it is us. The neice’s daughter along with her husband that run the inn. I’ve inserted this belief with care into all their minds and blurred our images a bit in the old employees so they think they see a family resemblance without seeing we are the same people.~34~ Vivian’s abilities are now bordering on too convenient. I find myself wondering what her limits are, what she can’t do. I’m well aware this is a fictional fantasy, but some things still need to stay realistic.
Gee, no pressure there. Iona throws me a beaming smile and turns to rush back down the hall. Let’s hope the experience is all she hopes for. expects. Maybe I’ll supervise part of her blood donation to make sure it is.~38~ ”Hope” is repetitive.
My real name is Alexandria, or Dria for short. It used to strike me as odd that over the years, no one questioned the same name, but I think they use it not caring if it is my name or not. Just associating the owner with the establishment.~41~ Shouldn’t Rafe at least call her by her real name?
He taps his fingers a few more times, looks up.~49~ This is an example of your use of present tense sounding foreign and stiff. This is only one in a million in your chapter, but I felt the need to point it out simply and clearly. For this specific sentence, I would rewrite it as: He taped his fingers a few more times, looking up. OR He taped his fingers a few more times, and then looked up Unfortunately, you’d have to rewrite your entire novel to keep the tenses the same. Since everything is already in present tense, I’d go with He taps his fingers a few more times, and then looks up. This way you don’t have to rewrite the whole thing.
This is a fairly big vamp party; max we usually see is two. Not many in a seethe choose to vacation with another vamp tagging along. I was glad to see they would need additional sustenance while staying with us. One extra companion for ‘food’ is not nearly enough with two younger vamps in attendance. Staying up around the clock requires additional feedings for the younger set. Even I need a ‘full’ feeding every month with the added strain on my system. Normally, the sips I take from my husband a few times a week would be enough to keep me satisfied, but in the dark winter wilderness I need more.~52~ Aha, so it is winter. I’ll be keeping this very important detail in mind. 
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