I thought this was really good. Your paragraphs have great pacing and your descriptions and imagery are evocative without being drawn out. You also have a style to your writing which is pretty refreshing. I think a lot of writers on here unintentionally end up copying a generic style of writing, but your writing had a personality that fit the mood of the story. I think you structured the story in a way that hooked me and I wanted to know how it would end.
A few comments that I hope might be helpful:
"Justin slips the book into his backpack and zips it hurriedly, snack search forgotten." - I think the adverb here makes the sentence a bit stilted.
"folded up neatly for daytime but at night is his bed." - I had to read this twice before I got it. Seems to be worded a little funny.
Until you tell us he's nine I wasn't sure of the age, which made me a bit confused on how to imagine the scenes and what he would do. It might be worth hinting at his age a bit earlier.
"After a spell, when Justin has almost drifted to sleep" - I got a bit confused about how much time was actually passing here.
I think you have some good imagery here. And the story is fun and entertaining. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it feels like you have a good sense of story. I feel like there is a good natural flow to the way you progressed the story and the characters.
A few opinions:
1. I was a bit confused about where the characters are at all points in the story. It's not clear that Danny and Joey are in the same tent together at first. And if they are in the same tent, why didn't Joey help to set it up? Lol.
2. There are a few places in the writing that I think distract a little because they are a lot less descriptive than some of your other sentences. One example is, "He still felt humbled and perplexed by the experience". I'm not sure this sentence is necessary because your description of him putting his tent up is more than enough for us to know he would feel humbled.
3. The tent set up scene that starts "The blue nylon billowed and twisted as he struggled to get a grip." Seems like it's in the wrong tense. I think your missing a few "had"s. I think there might need to be a paragraph break in there somewhere too.
4. This one is much more of an opinion. And I think you could simply choose to ignore it, but I feel like at times the pacing of the sentences feels almost too fast. As an example, you have the sentence, "They signed to each other to count to three." And then the next sentence is, "At the mark of two...". From a literary perspective it felt like it was happening so quickly that it missed a bit of the tension. When the dog bursts in, it also felt like there was maybe a sentances of tension missing. It felt to me like it was just one beat to quick. Like a comedian with a good joke, but who gets to the punch line too fast.
Thanks for the read. I thought it was entertaining. I think the opening sets a good tone for the story.
A few notes and opinions I have:
1. "The ticking of the old wall clock in the parlour was the only sound that disturbed her peaceful sleep" - Was she already dead when the clock was ticking? The earlier parts of the paragraph don't sound peaceful. So it makes me feel like this sentence is a little out of place.
2. For the paragraph that starts, "The late-summer night was slowly coming to an end." I got a bit confused at first about the timeline here. Is this paragraph taking place at 4am or hours later? I think the fact that we cut to the coroner at the end of the first paragraph makes the time fame a bit confusing. Perhaps that sentances should come later.
3. "The branches closed quietly behind it as if it had been only an apparition, not part of this world. - a bit too much tell. You should be able to paint us a picture so that you don't have to tell us it's an apparition, we will know by the description itself. A quick and dirty example, "the branches made no sound as the dark whispy figure seemed to dissolve deeper into the forest."
4. "Beads of morning dew" - there is some good imagery here but I don't know if it adds much to the narrative. The parts before this are a bit ominous and mysterious, but these descriptions don't seem to fit the tone that you've set. The fog you mention earlier certainly does. It might be better to find a way to describe the morning in a way that fits the ominous tone you've already set.
5. "Everything stood still for a moment, as if to anticipate the events that were about to unfold, then the valley came to life again" - I think this paragraph feels a bit clunky. I think you could shorten it or instead of telling us everything stood still, show us what stood still. Also, if this happened after she dead, it kind of seems like the dramatic evens have already unfolded.
6. "Even though he had to pass Mrs. Richards’ house halfway, he often took the back gate, because it was a much shorter way to the forest" - I had to read this sentence twice to really understand what you were trying to say. It's a bit too wordy. I think you could het away with just saying something like, "he cut through Mrs richards backyard to shorten his walk a little."
7. "There was no suspect" - right before this the story mentions that people thought he slipped so it seems obvious there would be no suspect if foul play wasn't considered. This is foreshadowing for what we learn later but I'm not sure it's necessary. You already established a motive in the paragraph before.
8. "the village it was talked about for a long time that Mrs. Richards must have breathed a sigh of relief when he died." - The sentence seems a bit stilted and has some grammer problems. But I think the sentence could benefit from a more action centered approach. Maybe just something like, "although there was a lot less yelling and pounding at the door after that."
9. "He was a drunkard" - the narrative already shows us he is a drunkard. I'm not sure this sentence is necessary.
10. "The neighbours confirmed that she lived withdrawn in her house" - seems like a stilted way of saying this. How would someone really say this? Maybe, "the neighbors confirmed she hadn't gotten out much since..."
11. "In the evening, before she died, Mrs. Richards had a visitor who came around 9:00 PM" - is the visitor actually her husband? I'm not sure it super clear? Since we are viewing this interaction more or less through her eyes. When you use the word visitor it made me think it would be a visitor from her perspective. But she wouldn't call her husband a visitor.
12. "but the dog did not stop" - the narrative already shows us this, I don't think this part of the sentence is needed.
I like the climax where we learn she's the killer. Since we've learned a lot about her before this, the reader's reaction to her is complex and mixed with different emotion. In my opinion, there is a lot of chess talk. I got the feeling it was maybe a metaphor for something, but I'm not sure I got it.
I think this story is fun and full of potential and really gets my imagination going. I really like the world that this story hints at existing and I think that's quite a feat for how short the story is.
A few hopefully helpful suggestions:
1. In the beginning you write that our protagonist is annoyed. But show us he's annoyed through his actions, instead of telling us he's annoyed.
2. You write "In fact, he wasn't interested" - I think you could just remove this sentence.
3. You write "There were a few nice ones" - there's nothing wrong with this sentence, but it would be cool to know what makes a good casket for a vampire. As is, the paragraph doesn't feel like it adds much but I think it could actually be a lot of fun with some more details.
4. You write, "He then walked away." - I don't think this is necessary. The line of dialog is all you need.
5. Is the number 673 important in some way? since it's at the very end of the story it makes it seem like it's important or a reference to something, but I have no idea what.
6. Your style is a bit direct and punchy. In a short story like this I would argue that it works but I think there is room for a bit more finesse in the writing. I hesitate to say this because it would be very easy to go the other direction and end up being too verbose, but I feel like the story could possibly use a bit more descriptive sentences. Primarily around getting more of a feel for Vlad's and the vampire's personality and movements through a bit more imagery.
I like the concept a lot and I think the world you created is super interesting. I followed what was going on and enjoyed the read.
A few thoughts:
1. I think a few of the paragraphs could be tightened up a little. For example, you have a sentance, "It was possible to step through the resultant opening into the darkness beyond" that I think could be completely removed without harming the narrative and actually improving the flow. I also think there are some phrases that feel a bit clunky. And in my opinion kind of feel like they are just sort of lumped onto the sentence. For example, you have a phrase, "as made by these steps" that I'm not sure I understand, but also doesn't seem to need to be there anyways. Another example, "through want of light" also doesn't seem necessary. The context already clues the reader into these.
2. There are a few places in the story that I think lack the right amount of imagery. The paragraph were they meet many people on their journey ends up feeling a bit more like telling than showing. And makes something that should be intriguing into something that feels a bit mundane. I'm also not sure what purpose that paragraph plays in the story. They do warn about the dangers of the city but that doesn't seem to ever come up in the story.
3. I like the ending and I get what you are going for but it does seem a bit abrupt. There is a lot of foreshadowing about the danger of the city, but it never comes. I wonder if instead the foreshadowing should focus on humans' insatiable appetite for dominance or something like that. It would make Aurelius' decision at the end of the story more cohesive. Perhaps you are attempting to do this through the talk about hunting as a sort of symbol for human dominance. But if you were, it was too subtle for a dummy like me to pick up on.
I thought this was really good. I think you have some good imagery and the story escalates and unfolds really well. I've been through some rough storms and I think this really caught a lot of that feeling and action.
A few comments:
1. To me, there are a few sentences that seem just a tad awkward. Most of them involve verbs ending in "ing". For example, the sentence, "A loud, ear-piercing scream came from the television as thunder boomed making the lights flicker". I think you're missing a comma after "boomed", but more to the point, I think you would have a stronger sentence if you removed the participle phrase altogether and instead did "... Thunder boomed and the lights flickered." Or "... As booming thunder made the lights flicker". There are a couple other places where I felt the participle phrases were a bit distracting. (Hopefully I'm using my grammer vocabulary correctly)
2. Maybe a bit nitpicky, but I don't think that windows ricochet, I think that things ricochet off windows.
3. The climax seems to be when the newscast stops, but it's over so quickly I don't feel like I get time to enjoy it. It might be nice to get a bit more imagery there.
I like your idea of putting him in a lighthouse. I think the setting evokes the isolation and exclusion that he feels and that you want the reader to feel. I think this is a solid draft that gives you a lot to work with.
I do have a few suggestions:
1. I think there is a lot of telling in this story and I think you need a lot more showing. For example, in the first paragraph you say, "The isolation of the lighthouse had become a prison". Instead of just telling us the lighthouse is isolated, I think it would be better to show us that isolation. For example, something like, "The bars that reinforced the windows against the storm reminded him of a prison. He gazed out of the bars into the distant darkening ocean waves; miles and miles of nothing." Obviously that's just an example, but doing something like that evokes more imagery. I wonder if it would help to have the man doing something while he is thinking all of this? Perhaps repairing something? I think that would also give you more opportunity to 'show' us the man's obsessive compulsive disorder. I think it would be a great excercise to try and infuse more imagery and 'showing' into the story.
2. "Ivory Tower", the phrase, in my mind alludes to privileged seclusion. You definitely have seclusion, but I don't feel any privilege. I think it might just be coincidence that you call the story this and that it's also a phrase people use. But it could be confusing because people might think you are alluding to the popular phrase.
I love the concept here. And it's refreshing to read a story where the author obviously understands the setting and subject matters.
A few comments:
1. From a reader's perspective I think there is too much repetition. I think the story needs to be tighter. For example, after he finds the man on the tracks, and is talking to control, I'm not sure a lot of that dialog needs to be there. As reader's we already know what going on and the dialog doesn't seem to add anything polt wise or emotionally.
2. You seem to know a lot about the setting of this story, and I think in small doses showing off this expertise lends credibility and authenticity to the work. But in my opinion there might be a bit too much shop talk. I think this goes with point number one, but it felt like the story just needed to be a lot tighter. I wonder if it would be an interesting exercise to try and rewrite this story in half as many words as it is now?
3. Near the beginning of the story you mention the nervousness of our main character. I like the forebodingness that it creates and how it allows us to learn about his family etc. but I wonder if it's a bit too much tell and not enough show. I think we might latch onto the character more if you showed him being nervous through his actions. For example, in one line you have him cautiously head down the line, but what does his cautiousness actually look like? Is he peering around corners more than usual? Are his hands a bit more moist than normal? That type of thing.
I thought this was wonderful. Beautiful concise descriptive choices. I feel like every word had its purpose.
If I had to make a suggestion it would only be that the feeling sorry for myself paragraph feels to me like it's missing one sentence of connective tissue. I think I want a bit more time to linger on that emotion.
I definitely felt the emotion you were going for. I liked the line "We laugh and skip down the hills, avoiding cracks on the sidewalk.". It's descriptive, and paints the scene, and I also think it does a great job of evoking the emotion you are going for. I also like the line "I skip out on the wine, since it is the fuel to the fire. Or maybe because my license was expired and no one told me. I live alone." I think this is your most intriguing line and gives the poem a little more personality. I think it gives the reader more to grab onto.
I actually think your first 4 lines are the weakest. I think there might be a bit too much telling mixed in with your showing. Instead of telling me the room is a sanctuary, show me. I feel like there is a beautiful picture you could paint for us there. It might also help the contentedness of the poem shine through a bit more.
I know the poem is about aloneness, but I do feel like the word is used too much at the beginning. This is just my opinion, but to me it seems like it might be better to not use the word 'alone' until the line "I look down. I am alone." I think this would give the whole poem a bit more emotional weight. And a bit more of an arch. The word pictures you paint should be enough to let the reader experience the alone without telling them you are alone. If they aren't, perhaps they need a little revising.
I think that some of your longer lines lack a rhythm. I like the short punchy sentences that some of your lines have. But I think the longer lines distract from it and also feel just a tad unnatural in word choice. I like the idea behind the lines, but wonder if they could be said in half as many words.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jamesvogner
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 5:22am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
