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14 Public Reviews Given
52 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jaguaress Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Chapter 3

The Man From Tred'an

Rachel beamed with joy at the vast array of decorative garments that hung before her. She reached out and caressed a delicate lavender dress with cautious fingers. The feeling of soft silk against her skin evoked a nostalgic smile. The quality of the clothes almost made her ashamed to have entered the shop in the first place as she caught a glimpse of herself in a nearby dressing room mirror from the corner of her eye.

Insert usual caveats here about this review being my opinion, etc. I didn’t read the first two chapters and I don’t write well myself, so please don’t get upset by anything I say. I mean it positively.

I'm just going to go over a snippet here. I'll come back to the rest another time.

First off I love this character. I like the setting. I feel like something is missing – like you are trying too hard or something.

I didn’t like the very first verb. “Beamed with joy” seemed cliche.

Ok, this next comment was hard for me to accept when I received it, and I feel like the style police, but I thought you could go either lighter on the adjectives or stronger on originality. A “vast array of decorative garments” didn’t feel like a good substitute for “rows of pretty dresses”. There was no emotional resonance for me in “decorative garments”. It read to me like you’re being careful not to re-use words before using them in the first place.

“She reached out” isn’t needed. If she’s caressing, she reached out.

I liked that she’s feeling the texture of the cloth, which says something about her character that I can identify with.

The first paragraph reads a bit clunky, which is a shame because it’s full of good ideas. What about setting the scene in one sentence:

“Rachel wandered down the rows of pretty dresses, suppressing a grin, letting her fingers glide over the delicate silk and cotton.”

I didn’t like that it said “the quality of the clothes”. I felt like that should have been shown, not said.

I get building tension, but it’s easier to follow cause -> effect rather than reaction -> cause. Consider putting the glimpse of herself before the reaction of shame.

“A full length mirror at the end of the row broke the spell. Her heart sank when she saw herself standing in dirty, grungy, ugly leather.”

I didn’t think you needed to say “brown leather”. I always assume leather is brown.

The point of view is that of an observer – “her face fell” is something observed. “Her heart sank” is more emotive. I would rather be inside the character, sharing her emotions, than watching the character.

I got a muddled sense of her motivation and character. Why is she ashamed? If she’s not that worried about impressing anyone, why would she feel shame?

“She raised her chin and looked herself square in the eye. Who was there in this town worth impressing?”

“Slight hint of disgust” – again, that feels muddled. Don’t create a small emotion by watering down a big emotion.



“Leather… brown, dirty, grungy, ugly leather. Hard to impress anyone looking like this,” she mumbled with the slightest hint of disgust in her voice. “Then again, who the Hell am I trying to impress, anyway?” she laughed under her breath.

“You can try one on if you’d like,” the elderly shopkeeper chimed in as she carefully descended a step ladder at the front of the store. “Are you looking for something special?”

Rachel shifted her eyes intently around the room, as if looking for a specific outfit that didn’t exist. Her left hand crept behind her lower back in order to conceal the embarrassingly light money pouch from the old woman.

“No… no… just looking.” She again turned her attention to the lavender dress. “I am interested in this one, but I think I’ll come back for it later. I still want to… compare prices around town,” she lied.

The shopkeeper nodded. “Dear, if you can’t afford it, it’s okay. You can still try it on. It’s always free to dream,” she smiled from behind the counter. “You just save up and keep me in mind when you’re ready to take it home, alright sweetie?”

Rachel’s cheeks turned bright red. Despite the many years in exile with Adri and Neni, she hadn’t quite gotten used to people pointing out her misfortune. She bit her tongue to stifle the sudden surge of misdirected resentment towards the elderly woman. It wasn’t the shopkeeper’s fault. Rachel’s tattered leather armor was impossible to deny.

Before her privileged lifestyle was cut short during a Revenant raid on Nu’Jin, no member of the Vauters bloodline was ever considered less than gifted. Rachel’s home had been one of luxury, and her closet had shown it; consistently lined with a wide assortment of the finest clothing. Having been born to a famous artist, her family commanded great respect in the culturally diverse city just south of the great lakes.

I just wasn’t sure about the character. Who is she underneath? Young? Old? She may have been described in earlier chapters but I’m not getting a clear sense of who she is and what drives her.

You say she was “many years in exile”, which makes her older. From that, I would expect a more mature reaction to shopping for a dress. If it’s so bad, why is she in the shop in the first place?

I liked the dialogue with the shopkeeper. It felt fresh and real.

I didn’t like “Dear, if you can’t afford it, it’s okay. You can still try it on. It’s always free to dream” line. That sounded condescending to me.

You can use “said” more frequently. People expect it. It seems a little forced to use “mumbled”, “laughed”, “chimed”, “lied” instead of just “said”.

I wasn’t sure what you meant by “was ever considered less than gifted”. To me that means they were intelligent, not rich.

I didn’t like the “before her privileged lifestyle” paragraph. It was pure tell, not show. You could have skipped it or let it leak out over the next few paragraphs.

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Review of New Beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaguaress Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, I enjoyed this piece! The first line threw me off a bit, I think because the "He" was capitalised when it shouldn't have been. I thought maybe it was going to be choppy, but once I started reading I was totally hooked. Names might have pulled me in faster, too, even if just a first name, but keeping the names out worked. It reduced the characters to the well worn roles they were keeping. This story could have been maudlin or cliche, but you brought this character to life with such economy and skill, it was a treat to read and re-read!

I love the way you put little details in to flesh out the character without long descriptive passages that would have broken the flow... first class! I knew and empathised with this character so well in such a short space. Marvellous!

I hope you keep active on this site. You've got real talent!
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Review of Space Marine  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaguaress Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First class, as always! I love the range of planets and environments mentioned but not overly detailed. I love the reality of it - like the movie "Alien", it "feels" real. The opening with the "bite shaped marks" pulled me right in. It's great that he's alone and grumpy. You use small details to pack a lot of punch into the piece. "Anything in a pressure suit", great take on an old line, fresh and innovative. You're heavy on the semi-colons, I thought "a pack of lies; all of it" might have been ok with a comma instead. Same with "good news; should he survive". Fantastic ending, a funny turn of phrase and a great twist - who's the alien?

I'm a big fan of your work... keep it up!

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Review by Jaguaress Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was lovely... I really enjoyed it. I liked the way you caught the feeling from the bright girl's perspective. Too often we get the cliche guy version! I liked, too, that Paige was smart and unafraid to conceal her intelligence. That lifted her above the norm and opened many possibilities. I am left wanting to find out how bright Nathan is! Is he a generic Trans Am driver, or does he, too have hidden depths?

Is there more of this story? It's one of the few that I've run across that really pulled me in and held my interest.
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Review of Cold Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Jaguaress Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice piece! Good emotional impact, a nice twist with the teenaged boy not fitting the voice and the crime. I definitely wanted to read on. If I seem picky for the detailed comments, it's because I think this is really worth developing.

I wondered if "reverberated" was the word you were looking for rather than "resonated" in the first line. I would break after "connected with the floor" with a full stop, then in a new sentence start with something like "Emanating from the corner of the room, a voice echoing with passion..."

It's not immediately clear why the voice is so terrifying. We know the voice as coming from the corner of the room, which makes the speaker mysterious, not visible on entering the room. We know the voice is passionate, but that doesn't immediately equate to terrifying. Also, I'm assuming the person coming into the room is a police officer, so this person should be doubly scary - scary enough to frighten an experienced officer. I'm not getting why this person is scary right away, so the reaction feels over done.

I wonder if a few additions to the "blank stares" would help. I think blank stares only come from faces, so "stares of their faces" seemed redundant. Also, "swarmed past" is very good - makes them seem like vermin. I thought "swarmed past me" might place things better. Same with the walls - I had to read it twice to get what was peeling. Consider ""Their blank stares as they swarmed past me through the dank hallway, paint peeling from the walls like bad sunburn..." - great image, that sunburn thing. How about "I was a dull grey in their kaleidoscope", rather than "a"? "Unwanted" dregs, again seems redundant. Are there any wanted dregs? I think the rule is spell out any numbers under 13, "3" looked out of place. I liked the bubbles analogy, that was great. You are very good at adding an emotional depth with similes and metaphors.

Great work - I wondered if maybe this boy was possessed somehow, like there was an evil being in his body or soul. Would love to see the next part.
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