 Review for:
| |  | Presence  (13+)
Usuna, a beloved lord, searches for truth in the afterlife.
#818335 by Sage   |
 1.Flow of Piece/Readability
This is a wonderful fantasy tale--you have awesome imagery. The topic is very imaginative, and the story kept my attention. You have a skillful way with words, and most of my suggestions will deal with punctuation.
 2.Grammar
You did an excellent job in staying with the verb tense. The one exception I noticed was this:
“Your army comes now, Usuna,” an older giant says as he points to the distance. "says" should be "said"
In the next example, it seems there is a reversal of words:
“Harnor, my friend, it is good to you see , too."
I think you meant: “Harnor, my friend, it is good to see you, too."
“She would never, mother.” "mother", in this instance, is used in the place of a name. When "mother" is used as an address, it should be capitalized.
One last grammar comment:
It was once considered grammatically incorrect to start sentences off with a conjunction (and, but, or...), but it is now considered okay if used occasionally--for effect. But,  , it loses that effect if done too often. Just thought I'd mention it.
 3.Punctuation
Most of your punctuation was skillfully done. The following are a few exceptions:
“Forgive us Usuna! Forgive us!”
There needs to be a comma after "us"...and every time a phrase addresses a name...
That was all they were now. Memories. Memories of another life. you could tie this all together so as to avoid sentence fragments...
You did well comma my friends,” Usuna yelled to the crowd. “I saw your bravery and courage. I saw you comma warriors with your hammers and swords protecting our country from the Storm Giants and King Kriun. I saw you comma shamans wielding your magic of...
You smiled, and grabbed my shoulder. In this case, "You" continues to be modified by the next statement, so the comma can be deleted....
“I have missed you too comma my son,”
She is beautiful, and kinder than one would think of from her name.” Here is another instance when the comma is not needed (after beautiful). Instead of "kinder", I feel, "more kind" would sound better in this line.
There is so much to tell you comma mother. (and capitalize "m" in mother)
Further into the valley comma he saw the beautiful red flowers from his visions.
Farther along comma the dirt path faded, and all that was before him was the valley. As far as his eyes could see was the delicate grass, and past that comma the tall mountains of the Plane.
Usuna’s blade did not make it full way, though.
There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but I did notice the common use of "though" throughout your piece. After a while it starts sticking out like a sore thumb. I think every writer does that with some word--I know I do, but I think it would help your piece if you would try to replace "though" with other words occasionally.
The giant too did not make contact, This line sounds off...you could use a comma to clarify it, or you could say something like: Neither did the giant make contact or The giant made no contact, either...???
But what power would that be if all that lived in such a world did not behold it with beauty. Replace period with a question mark...
 4.Spelling
I noticed no errors!
5.Overall Impression
I loved the story! I'm impressed with your story telling ability. You have a wonderful imagination!
The meaning of life? Awesome ending! I loved it.
Please don't be discouraged by the length of this review. I picked through this for over 2hrs to find what I did  . The things I noticed often involved the same type of errors that can be easily fixed. I am truly impressed by this awesome tale. Keep up the excellent work!
God bless you and KEEP writing! jacky
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....excellent job in relating these intense emotions.
Yikes!
