I had to read this twice because the rhyming scheme was so out of context. It works for it though. I love the bouncy way to the words and the imagery. It's a bit harsh for my tastes, but it really works.
Other than that, you could use some punctuation like
"when your brain's aloof"
"gelatine(No e and - connecting the words) like"
"from it's clutches"
Other than a couple things spell check can fit, i found this entertaining and very imaginative. Good job!
Not a bad introduction here. It certainly leaves the reader wondering where the story is going to go, and while I lvoed your use of imagery I did find a couple small mistakes.
Second sentence - "gleamded" - just a simple mistake.
Third Para. - "-"though" - you forgot a space.
Other than that, I'd say the only thing I'd do is space your paragraphs. Doing this gives the reader a bit of time to digest the previous paragraphs and actions.
At first this poem seems to be a love poem, but as you go along the real plot takes hold and I found myself reading it once again because I liked it so much. I liked your descriptions so much.
The only change I would like to see, is maybe a bit longer. Maybe describe your location a bit more just to hit home when you turn the story (poetry) line.
None-the-less I'd like to see more "gothic" from you.
While I am a huge fan of Edgar Allen Poe I do enjoy a nice parody when they come about. This one was hiarious and nicely written. You managed to follow the rhyme scheme perfectly and your choice of wording was great.
One small problem. While the intro is E rated, the item is not. Use of liquor and talk of drunkenness is 18+.
Just a simple rating change is the only problem I saw. Great job!!!
While I like the wording and the feel of this, I think it might be better as a story. It's a wonderful piece of work, but the jagged sentences don't work, for me, as a poem. Instead of coming across as smooth and narrative, it seems choppy.
Like I said, the wording and emotion to it is great!
This is very deep and complex, yet clear and enjoyable. I like your use of metaphors and the story it tells. One suggestion I have is that you rate it. Then it can show up more places for people to find. I think this is great though. I enjoyed reading it and it sort of sticks with you.
Basically, I like it, but not as a children's piece, and not as 13+. It's kind of graphic. But that could be my personal taste too. Hang in there, you'll get more reviews. Try plug pages and such.
Anyway, I found one mistake.
"And the decrepit elderly lady, began"
You don't need a comma there. Also, it's all lumped together in one paragraph. The reader can't digest all that imagery and action that way. try breaking it up into smaller paragraphs.
Other than that it's got some good parts, and as I said, your imagery is good. I like the twist. With a little tweaking it could be great.
This is very deep and very intelligent. I love how you wrote it in red too. It's the little things that make a poem or story good. I love the imagery you use with the line that starts "Grief-wrought", and the violin adds a touch of beauty to the piece.
I love flash fiction, and when it has a deeper subjext, that's all the better. I love the way your sentences are short, it makes it more poignant. And having the two soilders, from two different "sides", is a great touch. All in all, one of the best I've read recently.
As I sat down to read this the first thing that came to my mind was "Whoa". The first few lines really draw the reader in with their imagery and depth.
Spelling and grammar
None that I could find. Good job!
Overall, you keep the depth and imagery throughout and really give a nice personal feel to this. It's a great poem. It is a bit wordy for my personal taste, but it's still good poetry.
One of my favorite lines was: "No comfort for a bleeding heart and silent lips,"
While I don't know if I can join or not, I do think it is very well set up and very clear in the rules. It's got a feel to it that doesn't sound to formal which I think apeals to people. The pictures and colors are very pleasing to the eye too.
*claps* Wonderful story. I love stories set in ancient times, esp. Greco/Roman, and this one was nicely laid out. I did find a few mistakes, if you will permit me:
"he returned home to Athens (semi-colon, not a comma) he"
"Tossing them into buildings, into each other, and onto the ground." (fragmented sentence that needs a subject like "he")
"Hercules shout(s) at the man."
"Kill him, kill him now. a(needs capitalized) voice said in his mind."
"like he bleed the merchant" (bled not bleed)
"Then he point his finger" (pointed)
All of those are simple mistakes a spell/grammar checker would have found. Not a big deal. Overall the story flows well and the characters are believable. I enjoyed it very much so!
I love a story that combines comedy and horror in the same story. I like your opening. It really grabs the reader. The whole story takes a very different route than I would have expected. I would liked to have seen a little deeper ending though. Maybe now that the contest is over you could expand on it.
I may be biased, as the main character does have a ring to theame, but it's a good story. I enjoyed reading it all the way through.
This has a rolling, rhyme to it that I like. I think some punctuation is needed however. It helps the reader follow along just as the writer meant. One little thing I found though:
"oh," -- doesn't need the comma.
All in all, this is a good poem showcasing your love well. Good job!
As always, you keep the reader glued to the seat with a nice plot, believable characters, and a twist that would make "those other guys" jealous. I always enjoy reading your work, Bill.
I wish it were a bit longer so that the ending we're AS abrupt, but it is very good flash fiction, none-the-less.
I applaud the courage and talent it took to write this. It was slightly a bit muddled for my taste, but I enjoyed the sentiment and emotion you put into it. I think the fourth stanza really brings it home, and the last line speaks to the reader.
While I like the emotion of this, a problem I have is the style really makes it hard to flow with your words. None-the-less, I like the last stanza and the almost philosophical feel to it. I also like the dark feel to it.
This is not only well written, it is very straight forward. I would like to see a little of the the other side though. It's like a scale...both sides way out...but there ARE some places gov't should stay out of, like prayer in school, gay marriage...and other things.
First let me say that this is a very good poem...I will even say Great! I don't usually give poems 5, but here is why I did:
Professional reasons:
-no spelling mistakes
-no grammar mistakes
-the flow is good
-it is srtuctured
Personal reasons:
-I like the imagery you use throughout this. It really shows the feeling and heart you put into it.
-You can tell you really care about your writing.
-I like how you give a further glimpse after the title. very good for the reader.
Wow. This is very powerful and very deserving of the 5. I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, your punctuation and capitalization is good, and your structure and flow are great.
I love the realism of this and your courage to post this!
I think this needs a little reworking. The sentences are too close together, meaning it doesn't flow well. As for the story, it's gritty but very real and good. Maybe a little time in spell check and grammar check and working on the structure and it will be better! I enjoyed this though.
Very suspenseful and very well orchestrated. I like the way the story unfolds. I love the characters and the way the interact, act, and speak. I was completely engrossed in this! This is completely original and great! Professional!
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